pointless
Wednesday 3 March 2010
I am glad I am in the skies and not landbound.
people who are stuck on land, I pity. not by choice they have found themselves mired by inefficiency and stupidity. For those who purposefully chose to do so, I have nothing but shock and disbelief. Maybe they might change the situation? Not likely.
I am here for a brief moment.
When I can fly off, you can be sure
there will be no one faster off than me.
No wonder 'prison' is its metaphor.
May the gold of the air free me.
8:33 pm
dinner
Wednesday 24 February 2010
first real formal dinner..guess i'm putting what I learnt during sec sch homec class to gd use after what..6 years? quite enjoyable really..minus the fact that I got arrowed during kangaroo court (game) and had to drink a glass.. pretty long affair.. a bit too formal..
most of the dudes are more than a little high..I suspect some are drunk.. haha.. I get quite dehydrated too quickly..genetics..need ta drink loads now..abit groggy despite downing some coffee after dessert..
Flights of fantasy
come take me on
a ride
joyful ride of the sky valkyries
above the dark waves of
the stormy seas
toss mere mortals
and then embracing them,
and teaching them to embrace
their mortality;
teaching them what it means to be
a sky valkyrie.
11:32 pm
things don't always go to plan sometimes..no matter how many times we rehearse for it. not saying that rehearsals are no gd though.. wish that life had a rehearsal sometimes. A little heads-up would be gd.. yeah, I know that there will be little surprises left..but is that too much to pay to avoid all the crazy pitfalls that life has in store for us?
If I knew what I knew today..life might be simpler..or maybe not. haha.. the intense thirst for knowledge and information is both the blessing and curse of my generation (or maybe its just me).
sometimes it better not to know..even better to not know that you do not know (hence there's no thirst).
along this journey, dreams have been shattered, hopes dashed and hurt and despair being administered in alternative doses. but at the same time, I've had more joy and love than I have ever known. things appear messy now, with all of us fighting our own fires and going through our own private craziness..but there is an inner bond that cannot be that easily destroyed. I miss you guys..
11:04 am
I can't sleep so..
Friday 19 February 2010
Was reading the past entries..The years have really gone by. I kinda feel old sometimes. Especially now. I miss those days of carefree youth, creating havoc and causing trouble to no end - with little or no consequence. (comparatively anyway) Its been awhile since I really blogged; typed letters, words, to my heart's content. I miss this too.
The soothing clack of the keyboard, and clean letters that puncture this otherwise white space provides a modicum of catharsis; of expression. (Art therefore, is catharsis) many things have happened the last six months or so. (uncompiled due to severe negligience on my part)
Its nearing the end of AFPT and it just a few more weeks of administratives before the glimmer of gold manifests. Life in camp has been like a passing dream; surreal, unreal. I wake up only on Friday nights.
But the reason for this late night entry(-ries) is due to (as the post title suggests) a self-induced, emotional insomnia. Hopefully, typing would have the same effect as a sleeping pill.
Working really leaves too little time for the self. I miss Megan. I miss Alex. I miss Eugene. I miss college life (I can't believe I said it). Megan's in uni now, getting her brains fried by the intensive workload famous of SMU. Alex is going through a rough patch trying to make ends meet and solve some RS probs.. Gene is trying his best to keep fit and not burn out. I have just had a major situation with my dear eu.
Megan, I wish we had a constant starbucks schedule. I miss those times when we could just rush down to starbucks @ siglap impromptu. How have you been? I know it feels like I've been avoiding you ever since that time.. I know you don't like me to keep apologising, so let's go starbucks this weekend? my treat!
(yawn.. gd, its working)
Alex, I know I can be quite slow in answering/replying yr calls/smses. Sorry! I wish I had more time to just sit down and chill with you, and talk abt the possible futures and freudian theory.
Euge my man, what can I say.. Need to update you but we're finding it increasingly difficult to get time. Thanks for dinner on tuesday evening though, its been awhile..
I'm sorry, my dear..for hurting you the same way again. forgive me?
1:42 am
castles
weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5
The Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.”
Numbers 6:25–26
You have granted me life and favour, and Your care has preserved my spirit.
Job 10:12
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Psalm 103:4–5
‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’
Jeremiah 33:3
And God is able to make all grace abound towards you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8
12:34 am
I need alcohol.
Why do I always have to go and shoot myself in the foot? That's just suicidal.
digging up stories, the stories of people's lives..inquisitive..curiosity killed the cat nine times over.
insanity brinks, on the edge..precariously on the edge. Must I lie to those I love? Lie, to protect them from myself? Am I a stalker?
Dread. It fills my entire soul at the moment. I feel so crushed. Crushed by my own madness..my own folly. Despair.
All I can hear is the sobs as the tears fall.
And all I can do is trust Christ to restore the ruins wrought by my own hands. Jesus, I really need you now.
12:20 am
Here I am.
Sunday 27 September 2009
The weeks are passing by, one after another. Things are moving so quickly, too quickly sometimes.. I wish time could slow down once in awhile, so we can pause and take a breather before diving yet again under the waves of work and pack schedules that leave no space for ourselves until the weekend. Sometimes, there's no weekends.
Already, I'm specialising in my vocation. The pace quickens, the demands increase, and more is expected. We will perform or get dismissed. That is the nature of life: little room for mistakes. Two years is not a short time. I'm thankful all the support I'm getting. Without all of you - eugene, alex, nick, kenneth, megan and eunice - I would just be a shadow of myself today. A hollow. I'm coming to an edge. My life feels so empty sometimes.. you guys are God's gift to me, a gift of sanity amidst the craziness of the world.
Having mee pok for lunch with genius on Saturday, trying our hand at making choc souffle and playing a bit of dota.. these are the simple joys that I had with my best friend this weekend. It made my heart ache though, for the simpler days of before.. where we could have done that every day, every weekend.. all that freedom of youth, lost.. I wish I had time enough to do that with my other best friends too. So many things I wanna do every weekend, so little time..
God. In You I find rest. In you I find the strength to go on. You've given me so much, so much. By Your grace You save me all the time. You give me hope in all of this.
9:19 pm
the pretzel broke.
Sunday 30 August 2009
It is already too late.
haha, I'm so tired right now.. I don't know what's gonna happen next. whatever God wills it to be I guess. I have no more energy for things like love. Not for a very long time.
Girls don't like good guys.
It hurts.
12:07 am
twisted like a pretzel
Saturday 29 August 2009
What do people do when they screw up? What do people do when they burn all their chances and all that's left is the smouldering ash of could-have-beens?
Move on. Do other things. Stop thinking and all that self-reproach. Subscribe to every available distraction. Friends. Family. Get a pet.
Yes, no, maybe?
I wish I knew what she's feeling, before its too late.
Although it kinda feels like that alr.
Or maybe I never had a real chance in the first place. Not even one in a million.
What was I thinking?
Blind & naive.
Hahaha, thinking like that, its really funny.. =)
"Must be joke."
10:43 pm
Things to do (in order of first to last)
1. driving license (~$4000)
2. camera (~$700)
3. gym (~$2000)
4. japanese classes (~$3000)
5. Form a jamming group (?)
Haha, I know, not the easiest things to do.. but the driving license is top priority.
The camera's for posterity.
The gym's for.. fun.
The Jap classes are for.. more fun.
The jamming group's for.. stress relief. haha
I got to stop being negative.. Like the negative film strip, I've been filtering light and making it go all wrong. In the end I just screw myself up. Its not merely being diplomatic.. its roots go far deeper than that.. Its a mindset change I need.
I gotta believe (even if the risk of getting damaged increases) that people mean well.. Stop thinking so much in negatives. I gotta be more like eugene in this. I hope I come out of this change alive.. and a better person. Thinking the worst of every person - Paranoia. Thinking the best of every person - naivety? how to find the right balance.. argh.. my head's killing me.. But I guess, being naive is better than living the life so negatively. Okay, time to change lanes.
God help me.
8:21 am
pointless
Wednesday 3 March 2010
I am glad I am in the skies and not landbound.
people who are stuck on land, I pity. not by choice they have found themselves mired by inefficiency and stupidity. For those who purposefully chose to do so, I have nothing but shock and disbelief. Maybe they might change the situation? Not likely.
I am here for a brief moment.
When I can fly off, you can be sure
there will be no one faster off than me.
No wonder 'prison' is its metaphor.
May the gold of the air free me.
Time freezed at 8:33 pm
dinner
Wednesday 24 February 2010
first real formal dinner..guess i'm putting what I learnt during sec sch homec class to gd use after what..6 years? quite enjoyable really..minus the fact that I got arrowed during kangaroo court (game) and had to drink a glass.. pretty long affair.. a bit too formal..
most of the dudes are more than a little high..I suspect some are drunk.. haha.. I get quite dehydrated too quickly..genetics..need ta drink loads now..abit groggy despite downing some coffee after dessert..
Flights of fantasy
come take me on
a ride
joyful ride of the sky valkyries
above the dark waves of
the stormy seas
toss mere mortals
and then embracing them,
and teaching them to embrace
their mortality;
teaching them what it means to be
a sky valkyrie.
Time freezed at 11:32 pm
things don't always go to plan sometimes..no matter how many times we rehearse for it. not saying that rehearsals are no gd though.. wish that life had a rehearsal sometimes. A little heads-up would be gd.. yeah, I know that there will be little surprises left..but is that too much to pay to avoid all the crazy pitfalls that life has in store for us?
If I knew what I knew today..life might be simpler..or maybe not. haha.. the intense thirst for knowledge and information is both the blessing and curse of my generation (or maybe its just me).
sometimes it better not to know..even better to not know that you do not know (hence there's no thirst).
along this journey, dreams have been shattered, hopes dashed and hurt and despair being administered in alternative doses. but at the same time, I've had more joy and love than I have ever known. things appear messy now, with all of us fighting our own fires and going through our own private craziness..but there is an inner bond that cannot be that easily destroyed. I miss you guys..
I can't sleep so..
Friday 19 February 2010
Was reading the past entries..The years have really gone by. I kinda feel old sometimes. Especially now. I miss those days of carefree youth, creating havoc and causing trouble to no end - with little or no consequence. (comparatively anyway) Its been awhile since I really blogged; typed letters, words, to my heart's content. I miss this too.
The soothing clack of the keyboard, and clean letters that puncture this otherwise white space provides a modicum of catharsis; of expression. (Art therefore, is catharsis) many things have happened the last six months or so. (uncompiled due to severe negligience on my part)
Its nearing the end of AFPT and it just a few more weeks of administratives before the glimmer of gold manifests. Life in camp has been like a passing dream; surreal, unreal. I wake up only on Friday nights.
But the reason for this late night entry(-ries) is due to (as the post title suggests) a self-induced, emotional insomnia. Hopefully, typing would have the same effect as a sleeping pill.
Working really leaves too little time for the self. I miss Megan. I miss Alex. I miss Eugene. I miss college life (I can't believe I said it). Megan's in uni now, getting her brains fried by the intensive workload famous of SMU. Alex is going through a rough patch trying to make ends meet and solve some RS probs.. Gene is trying his best to keep fit and not burn out. I have just had a major situation with my dear eu.
Megan, I wish we had a constant starbucks schedule. I miss those times when we could just rush down to starbucks @ siglap impromptu. How have you been? I know it feels like I've been avoiding you ever since that time.. I know you don't like me to keep apologising, so let's go starbucks this weekend? my treat!
(yawn.. gd, its working)
Alex, I know I can be quite slow in answering/replying yr calls/smses. Sorry! I wish I had more time to just sit down and chill with you, and talk abt the possible futures and freudian theory.
Euge my man, what can I say.. Need to update you but we're finding it increasingly difficult to get time. Thanks for dinner on tuesday evening though, its been awhile..
I'm sorry, my dear..for hurting you the same way again. forgive me?
Time freezed at 1:42 am
weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5
The Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.”
Numbers 6:25–26
You have granted me life and favour, and Your care has preserved my spirit.
Job 10:12
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Psalm 103:4–5
‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’
Jeremiah 33:3
And God is able to make all grace abound towards you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8
Why do I always have to go and shoot myself in the foot? That's just suicidal.
digging up stories, the stories of people's lives..inquisitive..curiosity killed the cat nine times over.
insanity brinks, on the edge..precariously on the edge. Must I lie to those I love? Lie, to protect them from myself? Am I a stalker?
Dread. It fills my entire soul at the moment. I feel so crushed. Crushed by my own madness..my own folly. Despair.
All I can hear is the sobs as the tears fall.
And all I can do is trust Christ to restore the ruins wrought by my own hands. Jesus, I really need you now.
Here I am.
Sunday 27 September 2009
The weeks are passing by, one after another. Things are moving so quickly, too quickly sometimes.. I wish time could slow down once in awhile, so we can pause and take a breather before diving yet again under the waves of work and pack schedules that leave no space for ourselves until the weekend. Sometimes, there's no weekends.
Already, I'm specialising in my vocation. The pace quickens, the demands increase, and more is expected. We will perform or get dismissed. That is the nature of life: little room for mistakes. Two years is not a short time. I'm thankful all the support I'm getting. Without all of you - eugene, alex, nick, kenneth, megan and eunice - I would just be a shadow of myself today. A hollow. I'm coming to an edge. My life feels so empty sometimes.. you guys are God's gift to me, a gift of sanity amidst the craziness of the world.
Having mee pok for lunch with genius on Saturday, trying our hand at making choc souffle and playing a bit of dota.. these are the simple joys that I had with my best friend this weekend. It made my heart ache though, for the simpler days of before.. where we could have done that every day, every weekend.. all that freedom of youth, lost.. I wish I had time enough to do that with my other best friends too. So many things I wanna do every weekend, so little time..
God. In You I find rest. In you I find the strength to go on. You've given me so much, so much. By Your grace You save me all the time. You give me hope in all of this.
Time freezed at 9:19 pm
the pretzel broke.
Sunday 30 August 2009
It is already too late.
haha, I'm so tired right now.. I don't know what's gonna happen next. whatever God wills it to be I guess. I have no more energy for things like love. Not for a very long time.
Girls don't like good guys.
It hurts.
Time freezed at 12:07 am
twisted like a pretzel
Saturday 29 August 2009
What do people do when they screw up? What do people do when they burn all their chances and all that's left is the smouldering ash of could-have-beens?
Move on. Do other things. Stop thinking and all that self-reproach. Subscribe to every available distraction. Friends. Family. Get a pet.
Yes, no, maybe?
I wish I knew what she's feeling, before its too late.
Although it kinda feels like that alr.
Or maybe I never had a real chance in the first place. Not even one in a million.
What was I thinking?
Blind & naive.
Hahaha, thinking like that, its really funny.. =)
"Must be joke."
Time freezed at 10:43 pm
1. driving license (~$4000)
2. camera (~$700)
3. gym (~$2000)
4. japanese classes (~$3000)
5. Form a jamming group (?)
Haha, I know, not the easiest things to do.. but the driving license is top priority.
The camera's for posterity.
The gym's for.. fun.
The Jap classes are for.. more fun.
The jamming group's for.. stress relief. haha
I got to stop being negative.. Like the negative film strip, I've been filtering light and making it go all wrong. In the end I just screw myself up. Its not merely being diplomatic.. its roots go far deeper than that.. Its a mindset change I need.
I gotta believe (even if the risk of getting damaged increases) that people mean well.. Stop thinking so much in negatives. I gotta be more like eugene in this. I hope I come out of this change alive.. and a better person. Thinking the worst of every person - Paranoia. Thinking the best of every person - naivety? how to find the right balance.. argh.. my head's killing me.. But I guess, being naive is better than living the life so negatively. Okay, time to change lanes.
God help me.
