Life drags on, over the rough edge of my sanity I freefall. Sick gravity pulls and smack. back to monday. back to tj.

I can't believe how time flew by again, and once more I lost my weekend. How wonderful.

-

my first date(wish)

feeling stupid and frivolous,
standing at the mrt,
waiting in anxiety for yet-to-comes.
she exits the turnstiles
and saunters over,
brief flicker of uncertain smiles
and we are off.
into the night.
the darkness emboldens
and our hands touch briefly, softly.
I catch her breathy scent,
her soft pant,
excitement.
Hot and flustered, in starbucks for a breather,
we crept close in the dim lights.
the conversation trails off.
her dark orbs dilating as I leaned close,
so achingly close.
Our lips bumped clumsily, locked.
and time slurred into the night.

- gernaine's idea =)

Sip tea under the eternal boughs of the ancient rowan, the scene of tranquility. In the midst of morning scatterbeams and swirling motes, I dream of you. Across a void of first impressions we built a bridge on emotions, and in words, find sweet release. To imply and be implied, we delicately dedicate. And so we mold our fate. Sip.

Soft wind gently caress
the face of the one I love
whisper gently to her
my heart's yearning
its deep burning
'cause I'm missing her dear
Sweet pure dove
Is distance my test?

Stare deep into your eyes. What are you thinking? Your smile does not reach your eyes. How are you feeling? A confusing mix of emotions surge, and I instinctively want to protect your scarred and bleeding heart. 'Cause I see a sad girl crying, in the lonesome hours of the night, deep in your soulful wells, a bittersweet spirit, you try to hide. Then I see a boy mirrored in your orbs. Fear and uncertainty in his eyes, yearning for love and affection. Hurt, bleeding badly and in tears.

Daddy

Daddy, why did you leave the door open?
Are you coming back soon?
The rain's pouring in, daddy,
but I'll wait for you.

You are coming back soon. Right?

Its been years, daddy, and the door's still open.
Though my heart feels frozen,
a tear slides down every now and then.
Where are you when I need you, daddy dear?

On Father's Day my friends laugh and giggle,
thinking of their surprises, while my tears trickle.
Empty, so empty when you went away,
just the painful silence on this happy Father's Day.

I envy my friends their happy family,
why can't I have it too?
Lock my heart and lose the key,
have I been played the fool?

Please daddy,
come back and make everything right,
full of laughter, joy and love,
tuck me in bed and kiss me good night.

Written for you, whose home is so empty, and for me.
smiles.
genuinely.

Life's been an emotional slur.

Its funny really, when you pretend everything is all right, no one notices the pain in your eyes.

Smile my sweet perfect meaningless smile.

mirrors.

Sweet clear varnish on the floor
reflect the dark side they try to hide.
For you might be just the one
to open that mysterious door
So what are you trying to show me
in that deep dark closet
crypt where skeletons lie?
Reject light, bring forth fright,
oh mirror, reveal the horror.
For those who seek clarity in your silver pools,
seed madness and despair.
With poise you stand in the lairof the vain,
in silent mockery as you pair
with time, till they smash you
in and laugh as fate comes full circle
in the brilliant dust of your shattered body.

How I wish to break this superficiallity. Is it an impossiblity? Between us, nothing but a quick glance and a move to sit with someone else. The fascadious conversations on the safest topics, a stalemate that no one breaks. To say I know you would be a lie. But you can't say I didn't try. Perhaps then I should have asked: would you be my valentine?

Cough.
Such discomfort as I
Drag myself.
Bruised and battered
Up the creaky stairs.
Limp
Across the tortured floorboards
To theNoose.
Smile sweetly and take
the paracetamol.

To satisfy someone:aiya, why would anyone wanna type like this ar? so very sianz lehx. I tell you hor, that this is not how I type lor. Its just something that I can't do at all laa. don't worry la, I am just not happy with life lor, it really is so bad, if not for friends who have become like my family. sho good rite? ahaha, REALLY, I HATE TYPING LIKE THIS. I SOUND LIKE SOME WHINNING KIDDO. so, this is the first, and hopefully last time i'm doing this. yeah.
smiles.

Bringing you the file was such a good excuse to see you.. really.. and the mesages we sent promised alot. good or bad or worse, at least we'll both move on from here. lose your stuff more often, so i can drop by and say hi!

i can't help but feel z likes you and.. you probably can click so well with him that you like him more. i'm probably reading too much into things (again) but i've seen certain things that kinda indicate i'm not high on your list. one, you sit with j in the lectures everytime (almost). two, you talk alot about z. well, if you can click better with him, i think you both would make the better pair.

i have nothing for you save a silly affection. so yeah. there you have it.

come to think of it, i think you said you don't know cos the answer was a no but you didn't want to hurt my feelings..

well, i'm not psychic, so save me unneccessary paranoia and say no already. (though i wish it was a yes.)

i'm tired of this guessing game already. play something else?

Reading her letters over and over again, like a sweet drug that slurs the senses. Slur. Like a slippery stairwell you slide from one happy thought to the other, of how your lives, now one, were meant to be. And so you slip away into the dim shadows, faster. Intoxicating reverie and the bliss that never ends ended so suddenly when you hit the bottom of the well where the water quenched the fire and all that was left for you as an inheritance from this pit of hell is a word. Numb.

So you scream to heaven the mistake. It cannot, couldn't be such an original fake. What everyone told you was a lie, it has to be, it must be. And the truth, your truth is her. Her smiles, her laughter, her joy and her tears - they are the reality. She is pure she is holy, only maligned by demon schemes and mockery. Your faith in her virtue shall remain as you refute the evil lies with disdain any who dare profane the sweet name of ...

Yet the seed of doubt, a fracture, sown, weakens resolve with the hint of treachery and crushes love with a question mark.

Two walks to remember:
'neath the leafy canopy where the motes, like my dreams, swirl and dance - and along the runway, where my hopes soar on metallic wings. Pure serenity.

One friday ritual to look forward to:
a good book in the wonderful aroma of beans on a lazy friday evening in the company of a soulmate. Drink deep of Iced Mocha and tempt myself with Java Chip. All in venti, nothing less, safe in the haven of weekly rest.

to a very good buddy of mine:
Trust your heart deep down inside. You know more about that person than most people. We are all looking for affection and maybe both of you have found it. So ends the nomadic life and perhaps the beginning of settlement. Rumours are just that: unproven and superficial. Act on evidence only but be forever sensitive to what your heart is telling you. Quarrels and miscommunications and misinterpretations are inevitable, sure signs that things have gone to a deeper level. don't da jing xiao guai. smiles.

THIS IS A RANT.

I have a problem with authority. so? isn't the first time and definately not the last. There is this loserish prick in X college. he is the discipline master. he is my dad's old and discontinued acquaintance. i can see why this is old and discontinued.

Mr. X is a very unreasonable teenager trapped in the body of a fat aging adult male. he has no neck. his belly protrudes such that he cannot see his shoes. its a wonder how he puts them on right in the morning. does he have a wife? i should think not. such a disagreable person should not have the felicity of a wife. unless of course, she is as much of an irritation. pity his children. really.

this volatile discipline man attempts to throw his weight (not literally meant) by trying to be intimidating (not that i am, for i spotted his futile attempts) and haughty in tone and mannerisms. his use of sarcasm and sardonic criticism of students will never endear him to us. the great divide just gets wider daily. a mockery of aristocracy, this autocratic bipolar maniac stalks the hallways for little things to pick on. a shirt accidentally left out unbeknownst to the poor victim is made into a big huge issue of bad attitude and defiance of school rules. my headphones, a necessary piece of technology for music adicts, were picked on by him. something about not looking like a student. yeah right. you don't look at all like a teacher, you fat kid. you look like you belong in an institute of sadists.

i remember one incident one euge tried to tap his card outside the general office and he saw euge. hauled him and two other friends to his office without any reason or explaination. the innocence of the two other guys were protested by euge and me. to no avail. at the office, the he of a man stated that euge was wrong and that he should write his apology on paper. when euge restated the innocence of our two poor friends, the highclass-gangster said contemtously: "i know what to do. you don't have to teach me how to do my job, boy."

this incident is not isolated. one of my friends forgot to bring another shirt to change into this morning. so he was forced to buy a polo t. no problem with that. now he has to write a freaking apology letter for that.

huh? so this boy goes around picking on students so that he can get his apology letters to show that he is doing some work and get his pay increment as well as a bonus at the end of the year? screw you hard, mr. X.

because my internet connectivity was so screwed up yesterday, this post shall be the slur of two days.

my family is disintegrating. its a sore ache that increases every passing moment. all relationships eventually reduce to self and money. like euge said. heart cramp. i hate home more and more. cos it is a neverending source of hurt. we barely tolerate each other now. dad's gone for good. the food sucks. the heater's spoilt. all the empty promises are left hanging in the air like cobwebs and a load of dust. all that's left is the hope of surviving this shit and actually breaking free of this sick hole. and all i can do is run away.

i actually felt happy, really happy during yesterday's oac training. something i haven't felt in a long time. (a month) the team morale (my opinion) was high and we were doing our stations with gusto.

i was trying real hard to be positive in everything. if no one has realised.

then mr lim, the real nice oac teacher-in-charge, crushed all my high regard of him. in an instant. he seemed the nice, encouraging fatherly figure in all our trainings. never taking an active role as an instructor (except during kayaking, and he was nice then too.) during our land trainings, giving constructive feedback during evaluation and actually providing a contrast to the seniors.

Its not that the seniors are bad or anything.

they have a reason for being cold and professional, even antagonistic during trainings because it's to not take trainings as a slack time (like most other pdps) and push ourselves, to doubt our limits. they try to be nice after all that, during evaluation they mince their words some times. afterall, we all can be nice if we put in the effort.

but mr lim?

he really shocked me.

me: go yong quan!
teammates: not yong quan! yong xiong!
me: oh, sorry.. Go Yong!
mr lim: what is this joshua? you don't know your own teammate's name? (incredulous tone)
me: sorry, slipped my mind. (and i looked away and continued to cheer.)
mr lim: how long have you been here, joshua? (cold, critical.)
me: few weeks. sorry.

but the next few lines cut even deeper.

i have a notoriously bad memory. the new guy was doing his turn on the chin up bar. he was struggling. showing effort. and in line with my will to change from being pessimistic to being positive, from discouraging to encouraging, i cheered him on.

me: go! good job! yes! do your best! good job!
mr lim: (disdainful, mocking tone) you call that a good job?

i was stunned. i looked away. i couldn't believe i was hearing this.

mr lim: joshua, you call that a good job?

i'm angry. very angry.

me: yes sir. i can see him trying hard, doing his best. he is making an effort. isn't this a good job? it is for me. i want to encourage him.
sir.

shrug it off joshua, just shrug it off.

so we gathered at the track. for another 5km run. and i laughed.
claudine: why? what's so funny? (in the usual claudine tone.)
me: huh? no la.. its laugh or cry. laughing it off is better than crying.

whenever its possible, hide everything behind a perfect meaningless smile. hide it all.

and when you can't. evaluate. and cry the sick, sick anger, hurt and betrayal out. in one bittersweet release. i couldn't take the claudine tone anymore, when she coldly questioned me for my comments on mr lim. yeah, i couldn't take it anymore. lost in the swirl of emotions, i cried. yet again.

yet again.

Tears, why do you always fall
when I don't want others to see you?
Sobs, why do you escape my lips?
I don't want others to hear you.
You both destroy my stoic facade,
displaying the hurt deep down inside.
Why am I so fragile, a body of
shattering emotions?
I hold all of you so tightly,
so close to my fragile heart,
to protect you from
mockery and ridicule,
yet some of you still struggle and slip away,
wrenching free from my cloistered embrace.
Into the world.
A sea of unfriendly faces and disbelief,
of set rules and traditions
- A boy must not cry.
Yet how do I explain as my tears
Fall
as I
sob?
Pretend it never happened.

the seniors tolerated me. my teammates affected concern. I don't want to think about what goes on in their hearts. the possibilities are too painful. so, the superficial is good enough for me. for now. oh, and jun han was real nice. really really nice. when he didn't have to.

As with all rainy mornings, i went to school late. nic's gotten friendlier this week. but, i'm not putting any faith in it. she's equally nice to everybody. i guess i'm not preferred. i'm done with being a pathetic-guy-led-by-the-nose up one emotional cliff and thrown down another. one thing i realised about girls. as a general trend -

they like a guy. the guy likes her too and shows his affections in unequivocal actions and behavioural patterns around her. she can't miss it. and the girl goes: "ooh, i like him.. but, what if he doesn't like me? he appears to.. but..how i wish he would tell me!" and she continues being very nice to him, if not more. then this guy tells her that he likes her. she goes: "oops. that's not what i wanted. what if he wants a relationship now? oh no, i really really don't want this." and she proceeds to tell the guy just that, when all he did was tell, with no strings attached. what a nice assumption huh. kind of like taking a nice icy dip in the almost frozen pool during winter. girl tries hard not to encourage the feelings in him now. but she can't help but like him. and thus, the poor guy is brought on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. nice huh. guys are pathetic. and girls can be quite stupid. what a recipe for disaster.

guys are forthcoming with their emotions and feelings. females aren't. and don't argue on felicity. don't even begin.

so its either you like me or you don't. and until one is forthcoming, you are not worth my time at all. girls hate indecisive guys.

well, we hate indecisive girls too.

Life's been pretty sweet these few days, all that fun with the klazmates. thanks yiling and sam and euge for waiting for me during the break before chem! thanks brina for making her so hyper and happy! thanks char and yiting (yitheng) and euge for being such superb project work members! thanks carian for your 'advice' and angel for being helpful and friendly! 0307 rocks.

songs albums I grabbed from euge (recommended listenings): infinity on high by fallout boy, lights and sounds by yellowcard and phobia by breaking benjamin.

she seems much much happier now then a few weeks ago. i guess its cos brina's such a nice person. and maybe cos i appear to have lost interest? i don't know. but seeing her happy makes me happy too.

I stare at the blank pages and think,
how much we have left unsaid.
To chance, luck and whim
We have left the fate of us.
And on the spur we err, caution our ally.
uncertain smiles and superficial trivia.
Is that all we have?
What about the roses that said too much; too little?
They have rotted and died in our Brave New World.
And in this mire of needless confusion,
ignorance is no bliss.

euge tells me its not worth it. all the hurt and anxiety is useless, needless. i guess i kinda feel this way sometimes too. i'm tired. whoever said love knew no bounds, said wrongly. the beginnings of what feels like love dies very quickly when its not a mutual thing between us. well, can i declare it officially over? very soon.
almost.
now.

Remember the rose i gave you
the symbol of our love?
yes you remember the blood red petals
dripping down, fading.
coagulating.
coldly you crush them,
inhaling that final release,
sweet stench of decay,
as the last petal falls
and time breaks itself into twelve aching pieces.

When I saw you, day broke and the soft light pierced the dark morning sky. Chasing away the chills with your very presence, I felt deliciously warm. Laughing, dancing, we drew near. And nearer. The proximity became maddening, while the sun rose high above in the sky. Then the heat grew unbearable. And through the haze I reached out, hoping you'll do the same too. Guess it was too much to wish for. So I stood alone on the barren sands in the desert, with salt traces of vapourised tears. And our day, my day draws to a close, leaving me once more by the shore, in the descending twilight of the night, my sorry plight. Sunburnt and colder than I ever was.

stop lying to yourself joshua. its just got worse, not better. everything you believed in was big goddamn lie.

yeah, i'm not okay. just the luckiest kid on earth. period.

fine, i'm a spoilt brat, its my fault okay? but, if a kid breaks a glass, who do you blame huh? the glass or the kid? who spoilt me? you did, mommy and daddy. and now you tell me i have to pick up the shattered bloody pieces of my life and fix myself, cos you guys are too busy killing each other. well, go ahead. kill yourselves. i don't care, i don't wanna care. just stop oh-so-accidentally stomping all over my broken dreams and CRUSHING ME.

it hurts deep inside, you sick parental failures. you think money solves all freaking problems, huh? well, you may be right, so lay it on thicker, cos that pitiful amount is not stopping the haemorrhaging.

i like it when you both say you love me, cos that's all you ever do. a lie i will no longer willingly believe.

mom, just shut up, get over your retrenchment, move past your menopause cum midlife crisis and learn to cook a decent meal. a silent mom is a perfect mom.

dad, i thought i loved you. maybe i just loved your money. so why does my heart freaking ache like after the OAC bloody log training chest press? you left me here in this shithole called a house with a mad woman for a mom. you ran away, you bloody loser, and gave me all your nice domestic problems. you think bringing the kids out for a meal, smile your nice perfect smile, say you love us a few times and everything will work out huh? oh yeah, you have been helpful in giving me advice (which you don't practice at all, hypocrite.) after all, talk is cheap and easy. i'm bloody broke, trying to adjust to this void you left, and cope with a new school environment where i'm failing almost everything.

well, stop threatening each other with divorce and actually go and get one. i can't stand this prolonged dull ache that's eating away at my soul. give me one good sharp pain instead. i was never made for marathons anyway.

i swear i'll eat only soya bean for breaks and lunch.

it was so hard to continue smiling the whole day.. i mean, being cheerful is tiring too you know.

the commonest sense
is to keep silent
in the presence of the object
driving you crazy

i'm so tired. that this is gonna be quite a short post.

laugh through my tears
smile in my agony
because emotional hurt, like physical pain,
can be compartmentalised and locked away.

was being emo in chinese.

I'm simply gonna walk and not persue, for it is folly to run after what was never mine. i dream of a future and have hopes for the present. the past was beautiful and hold the fondest memories. so i brush away the stereotypes and hope you do too, for love is defined by us, never by them. i have a dream of who you are, and i'm gonna find out if its real.. have a nice day.

hooray! its speech day this coming thursday! omgosh, and i'll be seeing germainey! haha, another of them cute little buggers.. OI! my physics textbook isn't your toy! still need to pass it down to my siblings ok! ^^ can't wait.. and i wonder what the prize is.. hopefully its more than what euge got.. haha.. $1000 cash! yay! (dreaming.) it will probably be some lousy book voucher.. boo.. anyway, i'll probably be able to get my starbucks iced mocha venci this thursday too! wahaha, doubly can't wait.

i think i should drug myself with opium and make myself groggy.. then maybe i can write like edgar allan poe too.. euge succeeded! (under influence of fever) pro kia.. haha! euge man, you are one LUCKY guy. total randomness. ^^

i am so addicted to "swing swing" by The All American Rejects.

call or don't call.

i love the new pens that i bought! royal purple, baby blue and baby pink! so nice.. haha

my skin is peeling.. ew..

my pw group members are euge, charmander and yi theng! yay! like the best combi ever (almost)

i have a ton of homework (i think.) but i've no mood to go check. and much less do.

attempt at being emo, under influence of milk:

smooth liquid coagulating like the emotions at the back of my throat. i swallow and feel it slide like jelly-o to the pit of my stomach, cold, cool and refreshing. on such a lazy saturday morning, wake not the sleeper with a pesky phonecall. what one needs is a box of godivas and a chocolate elixir at hand, to stir up sluggish romance and perhaps strike a tangent between want and need. settle mine gaze on fluffy white clouds and dream of sweet nothings, a state of comforting delusion. a short reprive from the worldly turmoil threatening to overspill.. spill into my life again. break not the dream while it lasts.

maybe its because of literature, that i'm so sensitive to the little nuances that change around me.. perhaps its because of lit that i read too much into simple things. and make a big mess out of nothing. (so shut up, joshua.)

i realised yesterday true feelings don't change (much) at all. circumstances might hurt you, but the underlying strong emotions remain constant, a lifeboat out of the storms of life. maybe its just her to be that way, so i'll compromise. i can almost tell when she's annoyed. (i think its kinda cute, actually..) made me panic yesterday. (yes, the nick was stupid, real stupid.)

joshua: xiu, should i apologise?
xiu: apologise for?
joshua: making things seem awkward?
xiu: apologising would make things seem even more awkward!
joshua: really..? so i should do nothing?
xiu: you are really caught in a situation.. you can't plan out your next step until you know how she feels towards you.
joshua: i don't. i think its real negative...
xiu: i am a girl, i'm trying to figure it out. you know what? i think you should just go and do what you want to, and not leave any regrets. if by not doing anything, would not leave any regrets, fine, but... if it does, then do something.

i did. i had to. i apologised or "life's got no meaning".

this little conversation with xiu really reinforced what euge said to me "be yourself".

like me for who i am, not for who i try to be.

i still don't know how she feels.

i guess there's a first time for everything, and a noob has to make his mistakes.. oh well. (i guess the only thing i know is when you are unhappy.)

gotta be more positive! (i mean, look at picture 6.)

she looks real beautiful when she smiles.. and even when she's not, she like almost on the verge of doing so.. her eyebrows have this really cute arches.. haha. ^^

so, what's left is this: i kinda wanna say.. i.. (transmission ended.)

So here's the low down of yesterday.

As usual, sze sian was so dao during oac training, but so nice after the training.. the contrast was amusing to see. I like her style. reminds me of me. The route we ran wasn't that tough, no slopes and funny gradients to conquer.. just lots of resting at the traffic lights and then the carrying of yong at the last three hundred metres. yong, had the time of your life, didn't you? ahaha.. then we began log training. sheer agony. i cried. the pain was too much. think my arms haven't recovered one bit. thanks eugene, for lifting my spirits even when you weren't here.. i'm not a weakling; i'm human. my right calf muscle hurts insanely whenever i put weight on it. can't walk, so no surprise i'm home instead of in school. and yeah, eugene's sick too.

i finally worked up the courage to tell her how i felt about our current situation.. but as expected.. its because of me (what can i say? i told you so?), how rude i was to jialiang on monday in k.i. class, how arrogant i was, how i didn't want to talk to her after all that, etc etc.

I'm sorry if i appeared rude to jialiang. if i'm arrogant, i will change. but i wasn't trying to avoid you, you were avoiding me. and no, it didn't start this monday, it started ever since carian. i'm sorry. i wasn't thinking. i did the wrong thing. i made you unhappy. its all me. yup, its cos i like you, i want you. want us to be friends. then more than that. but what do you want, hmm? tell me soon, before everything falls apart. (not a bad idea actually, starting everything from scratch.)

perhaps you are confused about what you want? unsure of whether you are making me think the wrong thing? (you are. cos i'm feeling so avoided.) need more time...? tell me whatever you want, i'll give it to you. only one thing i ask of you: be as friendly to me as you are to other guys.

please.

yay. just got my m.c. for my arms. the doctor was so lazy la.. just wrote: excused from p.e. hope the seniors will accept this ($13 bucks!) the doctor was so ominious in his examination of my shoulders.. he kept going on about how it was an inferior dislocation. err? what's that? lol. i can still move my arms you know.. wanted to prescribe me medicine (painkillers?) but i dread spending more money (i'm quite broke now) so i kept saying i didn't need it while he kept insisting. he gave in though. haha.

another of them usual days.

its becoming so common it really is a drag to describe it, so here's a short poem to illustrate:

There's a simple thing called sms, baby
But you don't reply.
trying to build something here, but hey,
won't you reciprocate 'fore i die?
And when our house of cards
come crashing down
Its always my fault,
Not trying hard enough to carry
the problems both mine and yours.
After all, "its you who want me,"
you say.

on a lighter note:

eugene yao! why did you cut your hair! omgosh.. its like, short enough before.. and the barber cut of your nice front spike la.. hai. lol, i like to cut my hair too.. feels good. (don't ask me why, i don't know.) its a pity we (oac.razy) didn't manage to finish the camp craft session (twice ^^'') but at least we secured one pillar. great improvement guys! need to run my 5 km titan's route plus do suicides tmr.. rawrr. and do sit ups NOW.

PS: listen to Swing Swing by All American Rejects.

Days swiftly come and go.
I'm dreaming of her.
She's seeing other guys
Emotions astir.
The sun is gone,
The nights are long,
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

[Chorus]
(Swing) Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise
She knows I was wrong
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold
and so do I to a new love.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

(Swing) Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Bury me
(you thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(away. away, away...)

[Chorus fades till end]
(Swing) Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again

the past two days have been one of the most fun i've had in tjc ever since i came here. fighting to conquer the physical pain and working together as a team was the most pain for pleasure ever.. i really felt like crying when it came to the chin ups.. i'm such a weakling. kayaking around and getting the one-star cert really made this weekend stand out from so many boring others. in oac(razy), when the haze of pain clears, i see so much more clearly.. its an esoteric feeling. addicted. Somehow, when we train hard and it hurts bad, we feel like quitting and just go join some slack pdp. Its the fog of agony that deludes the mind. And i'm lovin' it.

Oh yeah, i'm so behind in my work that i seriously wonder how i'm gonna pass my june test. oh well. play hard, train hard, mug hard. Was running the 5k route when my knee started hurting. alot. limped my way back to the sports complex and joined the twinkle club. haha. am gonna get an m.c. for my arms. can't do chin-ups cos its (i guess) overstrained. grr.. the helplessness everytime we have to do chin ups.. real pathetic.

she's on my mind again..

today was the usual rollercoaster ride. getting quite used to this form of mental torture. she will hang out with the other guys (to socialise? be friendly? make me jealous? cos i know i am.) and i will hang out with other girls and pretend the world over is fine. i don't want to be in some psychotic jealous paranoia. it sucks. i realised: whenever i think (and feel) that we are something more than friends cos she's nice to me, she starts to do something to kill the feeling. This morning, we were avoiding each other for God knows what. couldn't stand it. fixed the permanent smile on my face and went to hang out with jess, mj and jeanette. then she was nice to me for awhile, went to the library together to finish up some work. wanted to accompany her on the way home, and she seemed ok with it. then later on, she wasn't. i realised also: girls change moods very quickly. well, so do i.