The last brief spell of comforting darkness before the sunshine orange yellow gold of dawn fades in purposefully, haughtily. And already the stife and restlessness of the school term starts, with students beginning the ungodly routine of going to school. Placidly, flaccidly they trudge to class. Obediently, they begin to fill themselves with things they will never ever use in their lives. The certificate is just a passport to a (hopefully) better life. Its afterall, the Singaporean Dream. Wasted years of bereaucracy.

Obediently, I will once again stand at attention to a National Anthem with no meaning for me, recite a pledge for equality that hold no posibility and lie once again as I sing the school song. Subserviently, I will rise and bow to teachers who cannot teach and greet principals and discipline masters who deserve no respect. All of this, the Singaporean Dream. Wonderful hypocrisy.

Soon I will enlist in my compulsory National Service, where I will be used and abused. Maybe, I will die and waste all the "education" I've had for the last 15 years of my life like the recruits who dropped dead straight into the insincerities of "national condolences, but we still must continue with some dying every year." Or maybe, I will die as a national hero (if my country wins) for a war I didn't start, for people I don't care to die for, in a country where I have no voting power because I am a minor who is too minor to vote, but not minor enough and must still go to war and die anyway. We are, afterall, just a tool to achieve some obscure ideology.

But most likely, because statistics tell me so, I will fulfill another portion in the wasted years of bereaucracy, and finally study something that I'll finally use. Get a job, get paid marginally higher than a female in compensation for two wasted years of my time (like time like that can ever be bought) and begin the long slog to pay off an atrociously expensive small house and car when I can get both at a fraction in Australia. Afterall, its the Pay And Pay more country.

When I finally become financially independent, hopefully I still have the capacity to enjoy life after years of overwork, stress and fatigue. Keeping both eyes on inflation and my depreciating bank account, I'm forced to spend within ever smaller means. Get sick, and watch the account black hole into nothing. Sell my house, sell my car and move into an ever smaller room in an ever smaller Home for the Elderly, where I become senile as I wait patiently (or not) to die. If I am lucky, I go in relatively little pain.


Of course, the rapture might happen tomorrow and out the window this random speculation goes.

Being honest, I would regret not getting laid, getting my CFS-III Yamaha Grand, learning the violin like Yao wants to, forming a band with Alex, getting Japanese citizenship, marrying someone as pretty as Goto Maki, Ai Takahashi or Reiko Tsuchiya, (a brilliantly beautiful and beautifully brilliant violinist) + (they are all Japanese btw), not being able to attend Ayaka Iida's or Utada Hikaru's or Yui's concerts.. Not ever tasting authentic wagyu or kobe beef *sobs* ...or eating the nice white chocolate cheesecake from Japan again.. Not owning the Sony DSC-W300 and taking all those wonderful pictures on my first trip to Japan (hopefully at the end of the year).

So, its been ever so lovely to indulge in such fantastic dreams. Nicholas, I haven't been very truthful with you. *laughs* Gocchan is beautiful no doubt, but it is what she represents (at least to me) that gives me a certain hope for the future, that makes all these wasted years in a bereaucracy enjoyable. It is this thing called "dreams" and what Eugene knows as "ideals" that sustains the human spirit.


And at last, I have found my bankai's name.

It is.. エスポワール:夢の又夢

後藤真希リターソズ! =^^=

余り! x)

Gocchan is back! She's signed on with Avex Trax, under sub-label rhythm zone! I'm so very happy! ^^ Finally, she's free from UpFront Agency.. IYAA! I'm just so overjoyed!

After one year of seclusion due to her brother's crime
(usual japanese way of taking responsibility for family members. seems stupid, but family honour is family honour)
she is finally able to persue her music and her dreams again.

I guess we all knew subconsciously that she was returning, what with the reopening of her blog and her vocal + dance training in Los Angeles.

^^

She has great potential. Hopefully Avex does not screw it up for her. I can't bear it if they create another koda kumi. But that's just my PO. (I like koda's voice, but they market her like some.. slut. I'm sorry if I offended any koda fans x) )

Love


On another note, all idols have an image to maintain, and to a certain extent they craft an image to appeal to a specific fan base. But don't we all have dreams, of ourselves and how others view us?

I guess the idol life is that.

Still, I kinda hate the way the paparazzi tear into the private lives of our stars in an effort to "reveal the truth" and show how they "failed in their responsibility as icons". I can live without that, thanks. We all have flaws. Screw the responsibility. Their　(music idols) only responsibility should be to create music that lasts a lifetime. ^^

or in Avex's case, an image that lasts a lifetime. (with ref to the edit.)

がんばって、後藤ちゃん！

EDIT: I guess its fairly certain that 後藤真希 will be.. sluttified. Because, "avex really has a way of turning its idols into tarted-up, high-dollar hookers," according to one of the international wotas..

Damn you Avex, damn you.

Bankai.
with referrence to zai's blog.

Fuel. What drives a person? Love, lust, hate.
Passion.
All this can be made into resolve.

But there is no one manifestation of resolve,
like there is no one form of bankai.

Some bankais are an explosion of power.
Some, like Ichigo's, increase speed.
Others, like Tousen, disable the oponent.

But let me talk about my bankai.
Actually, it has many forms and levels,
much like Byakuya's.
But the form I love the most,
is the form where I know my oponent so well,
I avoid all its traps
like Kurotsuchi Mayuri,
and crush it
with ease, reckless abandon and pure joy.
Like Grimmjow.

My fuel?
Pure pleasure and beautiful Gocchan.

^^
stress? What stress?

おはよう！

素晴らし日ですね。

I'm glad Gocchan appears to be doing well.. But I'm just so impatient for her to start her music career again! Its taking so long! *patience~ fufu

^^

I'm sure she can sing well. According to a fan, she has a voice like Ayu, slightly nasal, but really good for ballads. Her recent not so recent (last year, just before she took a hiatus from the industry) single Secret was a beautiful ballad. But the local fans didn't take to well to it. Maybe its because they are used to her more upbeat, provocative songs? Or maybe its 'cos of Yuuki. Argh. What a brother..

Mmm, mayb, she might get real popular like Yui? I guess that depends on whether she can write her own lyrics.. Personally, I think she's better than Koda. ^^

ガンばって！

ahh, better get back to stats! 4 more hours before its time to sleep!

ごめ！
じゃ、また。　＾＾

I just went to HMV @ citylink. Spent a long time being indecisive over getting utada hikaru: HEART STATION or yui: (I can't remember the title.)

yui's more rock while utada's more pop-ish. And I study slightly better with pop. So I got utada in the end. I'll go down and get yui's cd sometime soon though, cos its so damn good too. Why don't I just get both, you ask? Well, I got my da-jie (cousin) her ayumi cd + dvd: mirrocle. haha, so I didn't have enough! zzst. She better appreciate it x) hahahaha

Mom was being her usual pms-y self when she gets back. Pouring her bitchy-ness all over everyone. I decided to give her a dose of her own medicine. Hope she liked it. Not. In the end, she just got madder. She slapped sarah, and I got really, really pissed. I can understand why she's so f-ing mad with everything in her life, like its going out of control and all. But fuck, she is just like pong-pong. (zai, you know what I mean.) Grow up already, woman. You are fifty afterall.

You demand love, respect and obedience, like the generations of parents before you. But hell, in today's society, you can lose all that if you are a total bitch every freaking day. How can we love you, woman, if all you do is order us around like servants, treat us as strangers, and try to control every freaking thing in our life?! There's no need for a step-mother if you are around.

How can we love you, when you make no attempt to build a relationship with us? How can we respect you, when all we say to you is used as verbal weapons to scold us? Your fucking pride will be your downfall. 'Cos there will come a day, when my sisters will break free from you.

Violently. Just like I did.






Mother.

When your life is shattered beyond repair,
and every relationship dissolves in despair,
remember the days when we were still around,
miss those days, when you still had a chance
at respect and love.
But now its too late,
all that's left is hurt and hate.
You told yourself, that we wouldn't be around anyway
horde your money, save up everyday.
Its a self -fulfilling prophecy,
you see.
Your belief guides your actions,
and your actions make your beliefs come true.
So when regret consumes you,
and bitterness is all you have,
with a tear in my eye
for all the good memories that we could have had
if not for your fucking pride,
all I want to say is

I told you so.

Its official: I'm in love with Goto Maki. ^^

(and everything else Japanese of course.)

Had a long talk with Grandma today. She is so wise when it comes to relationships. I have always wondered, why women of my mom's era (and the eras after that) have this immense hubris when it comes to their relationships with their families. Is it because they are working? They are making their own money? Because of female rights groups that tell them they should be strong and adamant and headstrong (like a guy)?

The new woman hates the idea of feminity it seems. Or at least, the feminine that is seen as "weak". Quarrels become more common when two headstrong people live together, with neither willing to back down. Ego, it seems, has gotten into the head of the modern female. Alas, woe to man-kind.

I'm banking my hopes on the last bastion of "soft" feminism: Japan, land of kawaii-ness. haha ^^

Silk.

My heart is wrenched.
Wretched.

There is no tears enough to fill
such an emotional depth
of this love.

To bleed silently through
the betrayal
and to love
and love.

Despite silent thorns
that pierce
so bitterly through
the heart,

she chose to love,
without requital,
and with that love so selfless,
yet so selfish,

weaving her love
softly, endearingly,
heartbreakingly
beautiful...

silk.

in dedication to the movie: Silk
starring Kiera Knightley, Michael Pitt, Koji Yakusho and Miki Nakatani
special mention: Music by Ryuichi Sakamoto

I was having a chat with Alex outside his house yesterday, and somehow or other, the conversation turned to girls (kinda as usual). And as I was thinking about what the woman of my life would probably be, I realised I didn't know what I wanted at all. We all want the usual, like good character, good looks, et. al. and there is nothing wrong with that. Its good to look for these things, and we all do want them.

But one thing above all, beyond all other precious things we want from our other half is the elusive thing called love. They say love can't be measured, but I say it can. The depth of a person's love for another can be seen in the most simple, yet most difficult choice: The choice to react or respond. To react is human, to respond is love. The thing is, we can force ourselves to respond, but that, is no longer love.

Alex said: love can't be forced. I always thought it meant I can't force others to love me. But I realised it actually means, I can't force myself to love.

爱是不能逼的。

I finally know what I want.
The problem now, is getting what I want.