Thursday 31 July 2008
All that guys want is
to be friends
and
a little bit more.
"That's all?!"
It leaves girls
a little bit sore.
Commitment pushes and pulls.
Everyone seeks their own
security.
"But to be absolutely secure,
means
the other is
absolutely insecure."
That, is the paradox.
Push or pull.
Which are you?
Promises can be broken.
It never was eternal anyway.
It just makes
the recipient happy, safe.
Smug.
Its as if,
commitment causes one,
to become a product to be
possessed,
played with for but awhile,
and tossed aside in the end.
(We all know what happened to the stray dog.)
Becoming 'yours truly' has this
unfortunate effect
of being taken for granted.
Its as if, being nice, romantic, and loving
is a must.
And not because I want to,
or not.
My wishes become
irrelevant.
While yours,
become all important.
Its the post-modern-day slavery, 'tis.
To be bound by vows
that one has no certainty
(or desire)
of keeping.
Commitment does not promise love.
Nay, it does not need to be
explicitly said,
or vowed upon.
Its not as if vows make it eternal anyway.
"Seek ye first his love, and commitment will follow thereafter."
And the sweet, passionate lovers,
(of twenty or more years)
say
"Amen."
PostScript: And if he or she
has no love for you
(it died. duh.)
commitment just makes it worse.
to be friends
and
a little bit more.
"That's all?!"
It leaves girls
a little bit sore.
Commitment pushes and pulls.
Everyone seeks their own
security.
"But to be absolutely secure,
means
the other is
absolutely insecure."
That, is the paradox.
Push or pull.
Which are you?
Promises can be broken.
It never was eternal anyway.
It just makes
the recipient happy, safe.
Smug.
Its as if,
commitment causes one,
to become a product to be
possessed,
played with for but awhile,
and tossed aside in the end.
(We all know what happened to the stray dog.)
Becoming 'yours truly' has this
unfortunate effect
of being taken for granted.
Its as if, being nice, romantic, and loving
is a must.
And not because I want to,
or not.
My wishes become
irrelevant.
While yours,
become all important.
Its the post-modern-day slavery, 'tis.
To be bound by vows
that one has no certainty
(or desire)
of keeping.
Commitment does not promise love.
Nay, it does not need to be
explicitly said,
or vowed upon.
Its not as if vows make it eternal anyway.
"Seek ye first his love, and commitment will follow thereafter."
And the sweet, passionate lovers,
(of twenty or more years)
say
"Amen."
PostScript: And if he or she
has no love for you
(it died. duh.)
commitment just makes it worse.
10:57 pm
Monday 28 July 2008
Megan told me today, that the vj schedule and nj schedule for years twos are... damn slack. It makes me wonder.. who was the freaking person who came up with Protected Time?
My 5500 word Independent Study is way over the limit. I've to cut it down to 3000. Worse still, Mr. V said its probably cause I digressed, and I kinda agree with him. So I'll have to re-edit. And you know what? The digression was what I spent so much time researching and writing in the beginning. Now all that's left is what I did yesterday. wth.
"Damn sian arh."
On a happier note, I saw my ex-crush when I alighted from bus 12 and I couldn't help but smile. She smiled back too. haha, but she's attached already.. Lucky guy.. Still, at least we aren't pretending the other doesn't exist or going way out to avoid each other like last time.. It kinda reminded me of the times gone by when I was such a loser in secondary school. :) She's really chio cans.. wait, I go hunt for her pic.. hehehe..
There you go.. chio right? haha, which reminds me, I still have that band blazer with me.. oops. ^^''
I'm so tired I'm beginning to ramble.. stayed up late to finish the I.S. you see. haha.. the madness continues.. the saddest thing is, I can't write the I.S. while listening to music! T.T oh the agony..
My 5500 word Independent Study is way over the limit. I've to cut it down to 3000. Worse still, Mr. V said its probably cause I digressed, and I kinda agree with him. So I'll have to re-edit. And you know what? The digression was what I spent so much time researching and writing in the beginning. Now all that's left is what I did yesterday. wth.
"Damn sian arh."
On a happier note, I saw my ex-crush when I alighted from bus 12 and I couldn't help but smile. She smiled back too. haha, but she's attached already.. Lucky guy.. Still, at least we aren't pretending the other doesn't exist or going way out to avoid each other like last time.. It kinda reminded me of the times gone by when I was such a loser in secondary school. :) She's really chio cans.. wait, I go hunt for her pic.. hehehe..
There you go.. chio right? haha, which reminds me, I still have that band blazer with me.. oops. ^^''
I'm so tired I'm beginning to ramble.. stayed up late to finish the I.S. you see. haha.. the madness continues.. the saddest thing is, I can't write the I.S. while listening to music! T.T oh the agony..
5:50 pm
Sunday 27 July 2008
Its nice being alone at home afterall. I told Alex about being lonely, home alone. And he said that I was just stressed. 'Cos I have to stay home and mug the Independent Study. Quite true. I'm almost done with that crazy thing. haha, its been sheer madness.
Being alone makes me think. It makes me sad. It makes me age. Melancholy is like alcohol. Addictive after awhile. Drink deep of that bittersweet emotion. Get intoxicated with that lovely gravity. Feel it spin. Feel it spiral. Down and down and down. What a wonderful ride on the vertical rollercoaster. It makes me... sink all the way into the pillow and descend into the depths of sleep. Ahh. The world ends in sleep.
Am I desperate?
Why is it so hard to be a part of your life?
Is it because,
of geography.
Or grades.
Ignored.
It pisses me off.
I am desperate.
No more.
Enough.
Being alone makes me think. It makes me sad. It makes me age. Melancholy is like alcohol. Addictive after awhile. Drink deep of that bittersweet emotion. Get intoxicated with that lovely gravity. Feel it spin. Feel it spiral. Down and down and down. What a wonderful ride on the vertical rollercoaster. It makes me... sink all the way into the pillow and descend into the depths of sleep. Ahh. The world ends in sleep.
Am I desperate?
Why is it so hard to be a part of your life?
Is it because,
of geography.
Or grades.
Ignored.
It pisses me off.
I am desperate.
No more.
Enough.
11:24 pm
The Dove and the Child.
Saturday 26 July 2008
The Dove and the Child
A dove
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
There is something in the air; a certain tension.
An anticipation.
Of what, she does not know,
so she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
What is the meaning,
of a beating heart,
wild, uneven.
Painful.
A throbbing in her head,
stabbing agony,
then a numbness.
Her wingbeats slow slowly,
and she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
The child appears, with his handful of grain.
He smiles.
Is it really grain?
His smile widens
with a chasm in her mind;
a spasm.
His cold eyes burn into her, as she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
Recognition hits her belatedly,
like the hard unforgiving asphalt.
Humourless laughter resonates
through her broken, poisoned body, and she
flutters, dying, dead.
A dove
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
There is something in the air; a certain tension.
An anticipation.
Of what, she does not know,
so she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
What is the meaning,
of a beating heart,
wild, uneven.
Painful.
A throbbing in her head,
stabbing agony,
then a numbness.
Her wingbeats slow slowly,
and she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
The child appears, with his handful of grain.
He smiles.
Is it really grain?
His smile widens
with a chasm in her mind;
a spasm.
His cold eyes burn into her, as she
flutters, uncertain, fearful.
Recognition hits her belatedly,
like the hard unforgiving asphalt.
Humourless laughter resonates
through her broken, poisoned body, and she
flutters, dying, dead.
1:36 pm
Home Alone.
Thursday 24 July 2008
Loneliness.
I never knew what loneliness was, truly,
until all of you left me here all
alone.
Come back soon,
my dears,
because I miss you.
There is nothing like an empty house.
Its not a nice feeling at all.
Vacant and hollow.
The home is not the physical,
though that is important.
The home is not just the social,
though that is important.
The home is
all of you here with me,
in a place we call ours.
For now, I'll savour this emptiness,
drink deep of its sorrow,
and let this surge of loneliness
remind me
of all the good times we have had together;
that I have taken for granted
you all who have made me who I am.
I miss all of you..
so very, very much.
As Eugene would say,
"relish it."
I will try, though I feel like crying.
Never thought I would be homesick at home.
And its only day one.
edit:
something that I said, from my conversation with Eugene:
"its not that I don't appreciate being alone.. its a new experience.. an experience out of my comfort zone. And the feeling is so alien.. so foreign.. its so extreme its scary. Its at once empowering and at the same time disabling. I'll leave it at that for now.."
I never knew what loneliness was, truly,
until all of you left me here all
alone.
Come back soon,
my dears,
because I miss you.
There is nothing like an empty house.
Its not a nice feeling at all.
Vacant and hollow.
The home is not the physical,
though that is important.
The home is not just the social,
though that is important.
The home is
all of you here with me,
in a place we call ours.
For now, I'll savour this emptiness,
drink deep of its sorrow,
and let this surge of loneliness
remind me
of all the good times we have had together;
that I have taken for granted
you all who have made me who I am.
I miss all of you..
so very, very much.
As Eugene would say,
"relish it."
I will try, though I feel like crying.
Never thought I would be homesick at home.
And its only day one.
edit:
something that I said, from my conversation with Eugene:
"its not that I don't appreciate being alone.. its a new experience.. an experience out of my comfort zone. And the feeling is so alien.. so foreign.. its so extreme its scary. Its at once empowering and at the same time disabling. I'll leave it at that for now.."
7:15 pm
Illness
Sunday 20 July 2008
I've been ill the last three days.
But it was a fever unlike any other. Before, it always fogged up my mind and it was a struggle to form sentences with more than 3 words. During these times, I was always stricken with a sense of despair and utmost depression, my thoughts always straying to "why did God let this happen to me?"
I might as well be asking "why doesn't God make me rich arh?"
But today, on this Sunday morning as I prepare to go to church, it suddenly struck me that not once in the entire duration of my illness did I ever feel depressed. Instead a calm and a lucidity pervaded my entire being. From the moment I left Eugene's house till, today, regardless of the temperature or the discomfort, my soul was contemplative and quiet. I did not blame God at all.
Uncle Anthony said yesterday when he came to visit, "Its amazing how one small microscopic bug can cause the whole body to break down."
How true.
It was one small but significant act in the Garden of Eden that took away our innocence. And it was another small but significant act at the Cross when our righteousness was restored through Christ.
And in relationships, its not that huge bouquet of roses and that box of expensive Godiva chocolates that matter (only).
Its the small but significant little things like the unexpected sms or that random call out of the blue that matter. We all know that small things always add up to big things, no?
Especially the significant ones.
'cos when its significant,
it is not small anymore.
Expectations kill when they aren't met.
But if you can exceed someone's expectations, you've just made that someone a very happy person.
But it was a fever unlike any other. Before, it always fogged up my mind and it was a struggle to form sentences with more than 3 words. During these times, I was always stricken with a sense of despair and utmost depression, my thoughts always straying to "why did God let this happen to me?"
I might as well be asking "why doesn't God make me rich arh?"
But today, on this Sunday morning as I prepare to go to church, it suddenly struck me that not once in the entire duration of my illness did I ever feel depressed. Instead a calm and a lucidity pervaded my entire being. From the moment I left Eugene's house till, today, regardless of the temperature or the discomfort, my soul was contemplative and quiet. I did not blame God at all.
Uncle Anthony said yesterday when he came to visit, "Its amazing how one small microscopic bug can cause the whole body to break down."
How true.
It was one small but significant act in the Garden of Eden that took away our innocence. And it was another small but significant act at the Cross when our righteousness was restored through Christ.
And in relationships, its not that huge bouquet of roses and that box of expensive Godiva chocolates that matter (only).
Its the small but significant little things like the unexpected sms or that random call out of the blue that matter. We all know that small things always add up to big things, no?
Especially the significant ones.
'cos when its significant,
it is not small anymore.
Expectations kill when they aren't met.
But if you can exceed someone's expectations, you've just made that someone a very happy person.
8:35 am
A little blue..
Wednesday 16 July 2008
A little blue..
I am tired.
No, I dont need you to help me, come up with a solution or console me. I just need to tell someone I am tired.
And very afraid.
the future is so uncertain. And some say its fun because its uncertain. But I think its fun only when you are part of the elite, 'cos your future is promising. It is no fun, with grades that suck and 3 months left to the National Exams.
Please don't tell me, with a smile on your face, that I can do it. It makes me feel... stranded. Stranded because no one seems to understand. Maybe you do, and I am just unaware. I just need someone to listen when I say:
I am tired.
This feeling is not unique. It has happened before, and its happening again. Am I a noob? Maybe. A very scared & tired noob trying to make it in a world with no good place for noobs.
Talks about university admissions, SMU, NUS, NTU, scholarships... all these highlight my position in the pecking order of academic future. Not very high at all.
Is this stress? I don't know. Sounds like it.
It doesn't help, when I have TA superstudents for classmates, who have finished or nearly finished their Idependent Study. They consistently score As for every class assignment. I barely pass or just fail all together.
It does not help when the other subject teachers seem to assume that all I need to do is study their subject and no else. School would not be such a waste of time if I knew my work. But sadly I don't.
Am I in a rut? Stuck in the doldrums of depression?
I don't think so.
Life still goes on with or without the As in my A level cert. Time marches on at its own pace still. Its just that, I'll be quite sad at not getting what I want. But it does nothing for me if I'm depressed. Being a little kid and kicking up a fuss doesn't help.
Am I consoling myself? Maybe.
I'll just say I'm being objective.
And honest.
I don't like mediocrity. But can I say that I'll do my best?
I'll do what I'll do.
If I make it to my uni course,
I would say its not because of me.
Call it luck or blessing or whatever.
I think its divine intervention,
A miracle.
And then I'll laugh at this post.
I am tired.
No, I dont need you to help me, come up with a solution or console me. I just need to tell someone I am tired.
And very afraid.
the future is so uncertain. And some say its fun because its uncertain. But I think its fun only when you are part of the elite, 'cos your future is promising. It is no fun, with grades that suck and 3 months left to the National Exams.
Please don't tell me, with a smile on your face, that I can do it. It makes me feel... stranded. Stranded because no one seems to understand. Maybe you do, and I am just unaware. I just need someone to listen when I say:
I am tired.
This feeling is not unique. It has happened before, and its happening again. Am I a noob? Maybe. A very scared & tired noob trying to make it in a world with no good place for noobs.
Talks about university admissions, SMU, NUS, NTU, scholarships... all these highlight my position in the pecking order of academic future. Not very high at all.
Is this stress? I don't know. Sounds like it.
It doesn't help, when I have TA superstudents for classmates, who have finished or nearly finished their Idependent Study. They consistently score As for every class assignment. I barely pass or just fail all together.
It does not help when the other subject teachers seem to assume that all I need to do is study their subject and no else. School would not be such a waste of time if I knew my work. But sadly I don't.
Am I in a rut? Stuck in the doldrums of depression?
I don't think so.
Life still goes on with or without the As in my A level cert. Time marches on at its own pace still. Its just that, I'll be quite sad at not getting what I want. But it does nothing for me if I'm depressed. Being a little kid and kicking up a fuss doesn't help.
Am I consoling myself? Maybe.
I'll just say I'm being objective.
And honest.
I don't like mediocrity. But can I say that I'll do my best?
I'll do what I'll do.
If I make it to my uni course,
I would say its not because of me.
Call it luck or blessing or whatever.
I think its divine intervention,
A miracle.
And then I'll laugh at this post.
7:16 pm
Monday 14 July 2008
A brief sparkle in your eye
before an eternity passed me by
till the transient happy moment of your smile
gave way to a tremble,
and tears as you cry.
Deep in depths I cannot see,
not because of you, but because of me.
For I am not true of Love,
(it stabbed me hard
in the heart,
when I bequeathed it to thee)
never was,
and never will be.
I miss those halcyon days..
halcyon, because of you.
before an eternity passed me by
till the transient happy moment of your smile
gave way to a tremble,
and tears as you cry.
Deep in depths I cannot see,
not because of you, but because of me.
For I am not true of Love,
(it stabbed me hard
in the heart,
when I bequeathed it to thee)
never was,
and never will be.
I miss those halcyon days..
halcyon, because of you.
Today, was just another normal school day. A good school day. Good, because nothing Bad happened. Good, because the heart beat thrice.
Its always nice to start a week without being late, and I have Sophia and Claire to thank! They saw me waiting for a bus at 7.20 am. Late by all standards. So they got me to join them in the cab. That was really nice of them ^^
I think I'll join the Nike run. For the goodie bag. "Joshua! That's the wrong reasons for running!" heh, Yao, I think that went through your mind right. I was doing a bit of thinking lately, and it crossed my mind that the only really 100% outdoorer in my batch is Eugene. His love of outdoors is comparable to my love for Japan. I would love to go camping in the wilderness, but Eugene would go camping AND climb a mountain AND do survival cooking WITH the fish we catch from that lake in Hokkaido. I hope this illustrates the difference. Its not that I don't like the rest of the things; I do. But those things don't cross my mind without some external influence: Eugene's passion.
But the likelihood is, that Alex will come along with us. And he will roast, or panfry, the fillet of fish to perfection. I don't mind at all. ^^ It would be a lovely experience, just us three, out there communing with nature so wild, so beautiful... so awe-inspiring. Its a short silence, a gentle reprieve from the hellishly fast pace of a global economy. Its a break to forge bonds of friendship that will last the ages to come. I believe, that we will have a time of closeness, of friendship, just the three of us in the midst of raw, untamed and unfettered creation. It will be a time that I will forever hold in my memories.
This is a random, happy post. A reflective post..
Its always nice to start a week without being late, and I have Sophia and Claire to thank! They saw me waiting for a bus at 7.20 am. Late by all standards. So they got me to join them in the cab. That was really nice of them ^^
I think I'll join the Nike run. For the goodie bag. "Joshua! That's the wrong reasons for running!" heh, Yao, I think that went through your mind right. I was doing a bit of thinking lately, and it crossed my mind that the only really 100% outdoorer in my batch is Eugene. His love of outdoors is comparable to my love for Japan. I would love to go camping in the wilderness, but Eugene would go camping AND climb a mountain AND do survival cooking WITH the fish we catch from that lake in Hokkaido. I hope this illustrates the difference. Its not that I don't like the rest of the things; I do. But those things don't cross my mind without some external influence: Eugene's passion.
But the likelihood is, that Alex will come along with us. And he will roast, or panfry, the fillet of fish to perfection. I don't mind at all. ^^ It would be a lovely experience, just us three, out there communing with nature so wild, so beautiful... so awe-inspiring. Its a short silence, a gentle reprieve from the hellishly fast pace of a global economy. Its a break to forge bonds of friendship that will last the ages to come. I believe, that we will have a time of closeness, of friendship, just the three of us in the midst of raw, untamed and unfettered creation. It will be a time that I will forever hold in my memories.
This is a random, happy post. A reflective post..
8:22 pm
Miracles of Life.
Thursday 10 July 2008
Miracles of Life
In search of happiness.. all of us are, I think.
What makes you happy?
What makes me happy?
It makes me happy when I see Megan win her competition (ok, 3rd, but at least still got placing). It makes me happy, when she smiles. It makes me happy when she enjoys herself. It makes me happy when she makes beautiful cards for me. It makes me happy when she gives me little presents for no rhyme or reason whatever. It makes me happy when she took time off to spend my 18th birthday with me. It makes me happy, when she sends me random smses full of "I love you"s. It makes me happy, that she asks for my opinion regarding issues and problems in her life. It makes me happy when she says I'm her best friend! It makes me happy, when we have those random chats, be it starbucks or ikea or whatever. Place doesn't matter. It makes me happy, when I make her happy. It makes me happy to see her happy. Megan makes me happy!
It makes me happy, when Alex has a life that he's happy with. (I'm not saying he has no life!) It makes me happy when he invited me over to play his playstation! It makes me happy when he brings me to the Singapore Swimming Club for dinner, pool, swimming, bowling, LAN, etc. OH YA, the JACUZZI! It makes me happy, when he downs that mug of beer, smacks his lips, orders another one and smiles. It makes me happy, when he invites me to share in his life of sitting at al fresco bars listening to live music. It makes me happy when we have long, 5 hour talks in the wee hours of the morning about random stuff, crazy stuff, the stuff of dreams.. It makes me happy when he shares his business plan with me, and tells me the earnings he got from it. It makes me happy when he shares his worries with me, cos he trusts me. It makes me happy when we have those "smash those glass bottles" sessions. It makes me happy when he listens to my whining, picks up my calls when I'm crying like a baby, etc. It makes me happy, when he organises my 18th birthday bash and dinner. (He more or less paid for everything, plus gave me a crumpler from the most expensive range) It makes me happy when he says "You are the blood brother I should have had." It makes me happy, when he asks me out for breakfast on Sunday mornings. It makes me happy when he turns down the air-con cos I'm cold, and throws a sweater/blanket over me. It makes me happy when he cooks me supper. It makes me happy when he recommends good movies that he knows I would like. It makes me happy just to hang out with him. Alex makes me happy!
It makes me happy, when Eugene gives me a call out of the blue, just to talk. It makes me happy when he covers for me when I'm absent from school. It makes me happy, when he recommends good music to me. It makes me happy when he jokes around and lightens up the atmosphere. It makes me happy when we have our "Eh, look! 10 o'clock. How much? eh... 5/10? you? So low! At least got 6/10 la.." It makes me happy when he sacrifices the privileges of the oac room and slacks in the hot stairwell with me. It makes me happy when he talks to me about oac stuff even though I got kicked, cos he knows I'm still interested in the going-ons. It makes me happy when we have a Worms 2 competition on his psp. It makes me happy that he does his best not to get angry with me even though I'm being an ass and deserve to get shredded to bits. It makes me happy that he shares his thoughts on God, religion, home, school, etc. It makes me happy when he tells me, "no matter what, you will always be my brother." It makes me happy, when he introduces me to his friends, like Yen Kheng, Nicholas, (there's one more.. play DOTA wan.. oops, forgot his name ^^'') [his name is Kenneth. Yao reminded me. haha!] It makes me happy, when he asks if I'm okay. It makes me happy, when we run to the bedok jetty in the wee hours of the morning. It makes me happy to just sit by the poolside and talk about random stuff. It makes me happy, that he chiongs down from oac to spend my 18th birthday with me. It makes me happy when he is frank and honest with me. Eugene makes me happy!
It makes me happy, when daddy shades me from the harsh world. It makes me happy, when daddy talks to me like a best friend. It makes me happy when daddy shares with me about his life, his thoughts, his plans for the future. It makes me happy when daddy is supportive of my dreams. It makes me happy cos my daddy is always nice to my friends. It makes me happy when daddy allows Alex to accompany us for lunch and tea on Sundays after church. It makes me happy when daddy helps me with my finances. It makes me happy when I know I can run to daddy whenever I've had a bad day. (he was the only one I could run to after being kicked from oac. I was so sad..) It makes me happy when he brings me around Singapore to see all the places that I would never have seen. It makes me happy when we go on little adventures to explore places for good food. It makes me happy, when daddy never chases me away, never throws his temper at me. It makes me happy when daddy gives me dreams that I have never thought possible before. It makes me happy that he suggested going backpacking at the end of the year in Japan! It makes me happy when he went out for coffee and supper with me when he just got back from over 5 hours of driving home from Malaysia and was damn damn tired. He always pays for everything! omg, feel so bad.. It makes me happy when he calls me to encourage me. It makes me happy when he tells me, "no matter what, I have never ever regretted having you and your sisters in my life." It makes me happy when he randomly calls and says "I love you!" I love him so very, very much! Daddy makes me happy!
It makes me happy when my sisters, Sarah and Samantha, look up to me, do my share of the housework (oops) play with me, endure my madness, tickle me, punch me, joke with me, cry with me, laugh with me, hug me, ask me questions, scream in my ear, cook me food, give me sweets, talk about the boys in class, about music, and say "oyatsumi! oniisama!", "ohaiyo gozaimas!", "nani?", "aishiteru!" It makes me happy when they are happy to see me when I come back from a really crappy day at school. It makes me happy when I can wash their dishes. It makes me happy when I can cook for them. It makes me happy that they are happy! I love them so very much!
The list goes on.. New things will keep being added, it never ends.. I am so very blessed. They have made this life meaningful, bearable, even enjoyable.
Hengsuay? more heng I think. ^^
All of YOU are miracles.
PS:
To those who are not mentioned: sorry!
To Megan: Sorry yours is shorter! I'm sure there are more things than that!
12:06 am
Tuesday 8 July 2008
To be honest...
I feel quite guilty for making those devious innuendoes.
I believe that everyone is a Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde.
I think that this recent darkness belies
that drop or two of decency
that might still linger in the murky depths of her soul.
But I am doubtful as to
the possibility of it ever surfacing
in whatever else interactions with
that jaded, hurt soul.
No,
I don't pretend to understand
someone so bent on being
misunderstood.
Isolation does not cure the wound.
All it does is let
that patch of broken flesh
rot unfettered,
ooze with pus
through the bruised epidermis,
sick yellowish brown,
as gangrene sets in,
purpling,
decaying.
The brave face the pain;
antiseptic dose
of nauseous flame.
The cowardly run from the pain,
try, but pain catches up in the end,
and its death in agony.
I wonder, why Nicole and I can be on talking terms, friends even. I wonder, why I am not jealous of her boyfriend. I wonder, why Megan had to continue reading Eugene Lim's blog. (tell me why, if you know, Megan!) I wonder, why a guy cannot be free to do as he pleases after a breakup. I wonder why, some girls are so vindictive, while some can be so mature as to let the issue rest. I wonder why I can say its my fault that things between me and G became so sour, and really mean it from my heart, whilst others try only to justify themselves. I wonder why I have no urge to visit G's blog.
My opinion is this: Some are just too insecure. They feel a need to be validated. They feel a need to be of significance to their ex. Its an ego thing. Its everyone's fault but their own.
And you don't have to agree with my opinion.
I wonder, at the person who will use my style of "I wonder" and question that person's emotional capacity to face up to that person's own character flaws, and learn to take criticism positively, if not constructively.
"the fool says, why should I take criticism from you?"
and I say, "amazing, you know what criticism is."
I feel quite guilty for making those devious innuendoes.
I believe that everyone is a Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde.
I think that this recent darkness belies
that drop or two of decency
that might still linger in the murky depths of her soul.
But I am doubtful as to
the possibility of it ever surfacing
in whatever else interactions with
that jaded, hurt soul.
No,
I don't pretend to understand
someone so bent on being
misunderstood.
Isolation does not cure the wound.
All it does is let
that patch of broken flesh
rot unfettered,
ooze with pus
through the bruised epidermis,
sick yellowish brown,
as gangrene sets in,
purpling,
decaying.
The brave face the pain;
antiseptic dose
of nauseous flame.
The cowardly run from the pain,
try, but pain catches up in the end,
and its death in agony.
I wonder, why Nicole and I can be on talking terms, friends even. I wonder, why I am not jealous of her boyfriend. I wonder, why Megan had to continue reading Eugene Lim's blog. (tell me why, if you know, Megan!) I wonder, why a guy cannot be free to do as he pleases after a breakup. I wonder why, some girls are so vindictive, while some can be so mature as to let the issue rest. I wonder why I can say its my fault that things between me and G became so sour, and really mean it from my heart, whilst others try only to justify themselves. I wonder why I have no urge to visit G's blog.
My opinion is this: Some are just too insecure. They feel a need to be validated. They feel a need to be of significance to their ex. Its an ego thing. Its everyone's fault but their own.
And you don't have to agree with my opinion.
I wonder, at the person who will use my style of "I wonder" and question that person's emotional capacity to face up to that person's own character flaws, and learn to take criticism positively, if not constructively.
"the fool says, why should I take criticism from you?"
and I say, "amazing, you know what criticism is."
1:51 pm
Venus came from sea foam.
She came from vitriol.
The innate difference was
she did not have the divine nature.
Pity the falling star
as it burns in life-giving oxygen.
Its graceful arc belies
the intensity of the anger
of Saint A. who flung it far.
Descend in flames!
Oh wretched body,
condemned from the heavens you abandoned.
Weep your tears of molten iron,
in your very own
Fall from Grace.
Like a fallen angel,
the facadious beauty stripped,
the dark core once hidden,
now exposed.
In anger and shame
it burns.
Wreathed with incoherent flames
that snake insiduously,
it is an interesting,
albeit temporal,
spectacle.
amusing.
She came from vitriol.
The innate difference was
she did not have the divine nature.
Pity the falling star
as it burns in life-giving oxygen.
Its graceful arc belies
the intensity of the anger
of Saint A. who flung it far.
Descend in flames!
Oh wretched body,
condemned from the heavens you abandoned.
Weep your tears of molten iron,
in your very own
Fall from Grace.
Like a fallen angel,
the facadious beauty stripped,
the dark core once hidden,
now exposed.
In anger and shame
it burns.
Wreathed with incoherent flames
that snake insiduously,
it is an interesting,
albeit temporal,
spectacle.
amusing.
12:33 am
Sunday 6 July 2008
haha, the Pact.
This will be the last (hopefully).
May God give me the strength.
It is amusing when young kids try to imitate adults. And equally amusing when adults behave like little kids. It never ceases to make me laugh. Afterall, age is a very poor indication of maturity. I realised a long time ago, that mom always used terms like, "your problem", "your house", "your car" and especially "your children" whenever she gets mad at dad (which is very frequent btw).
One question: Are they not the woman's too?
My friends always wonder: why does Joshua have such a close, happy relationship with his dad and why does he dislike his mom? Afterall, its dad who's involved in an affair while mom is the victim apparent.
Well, I would say first and foremost, that stereotypes like this are just that, stereotypes. Dad has his reasons for doing what he did. Be they justified or not in the world's eyes or whatever conventional morality you might want to bring up, he did what he believed was the best way forward.
I won't bother explaining my dad's reasons in detail. Suffice to say he had no love for mom and was strongly repulsed by her character. True or not, right or not, its not up to you to decide.
Let me tell you what I was seeing instead. A calm, loving dad towards his kids, always attentive to our problems, took genuine interest in our lives, was willing to put aside the hubris that came with the status of being a parent and became more than a father. He became a friend.
Mom was, and still is, angsty, bad-tempered and downright childish. She is almost always in a negative mood, constantly picking fights, quarrelsome, overbearing, authoritarian, a total "control freak". Didn't bother trying to understand us, but rather enforced her traditional (and outdated) views of parenting. Did I mention that she is entirely irrational and controlled by her emotions? When one cannot control one's emotions, its not wrong. Its weak. She views respect as her right. We must obey because she is the mom. But dad taught us that respect must be gained. Obedience is never truly obedience unless out of love.
Mom says she still loves dad, that she wants to reconcile. But all I see is an overflow of anger, rage, bitterness, hate and angst. Unable to partition her mind, she directs all of it at us children too. Her incessant naggings and scoldings do little to endear us to her. Instead, she pushes everyone away with her horrid behaviour. She does things to hurt dad as much as possible. Is that love? Would you hurt someone you love? Would you threaten someone you love? Would you hurt the people who are dear to the person you love? (eg: dad's parents)
True, mom stays home with us, while we see dad less frequently. But staying home with the kids and spending more time with them does not have any normative value at all. Instead, its the quality and not the quantity that matters. I would rather not spend any time with mom at all. All she does is nag, and try to control what I eat, read, watch, drink, when I sleep, where I go. I can never talk to her about the deep stuff, the stuff I talk to dad, zai, alex and xiu. She is like an emotional sink, draining you of all happiness and joy, casting a shadow over your day.
Are all women like her? I believe not. Only the little girls are, and those are the ones to avoid: the childish, immature, bitchy and dumb ones.
Am I judging my mom? I don't think so. I am not normatively evaluating her. After all,
there is no absolute right and wrong.
Morality is a social construct that the blind masses subscribe to mindlessly. There is only what you like, and what you don't. So if someone does something to displease you, it is only "wrong" to you.
In the case of my mom, I am only saying, I don't like her because of her behaviour and attitude and character. "but..! your dad's in the wrong! your mom's the victim!" Sorry, you don't know the full story.
Convention does not hold with me.
I would say that me and dad, we are the victims of an immature girl in a woman's body.
There is no such thing as "righteous". At least, it is not to be defined by man (or girl). Would you consider the Middle Ages crusader who went around killing Muslims as righteous? He was to his own people. Would you consider the terrorist who blew himself up and killed the surrounding people as righteous? His was to his bunch of religious zealots. So, what is "righteous" to you is not to me, and vice versa.
And on the subject of "rights": its an illusion.
This will be the last (hopefully).
May God give me the strength.
It is amusing when young kids try to imitate adults. And equally amusing when adults behave like little kids. It never ceases to make me laugh. Afterall, age is a very poor indication of maturity. I realised a long time ago, that mom always used terms like, "your problem", "your house", "your car" and especially "your children" whenever she gets mad at dad (which is very frequent btw).
One question: Are they not the woman's too?
My friends always wonder: why does Joshua have such a close, happy relationship with his dad and why does he dislike his mom? Afterall, its dad who's involved in an affair while mom is the victim apparent.
Well, I would say first and foremost, that stereotypes like this are just that, stereotypes. Dad has his reasons for doing what he did. Be they justified or not in the world's eyes or whatever conventional morality you might want to bring up, he did what he believed was the best way forward.
I won't bother explaining my dad's reasons in detail. Suffice to say he had no love for mom and was strongly repulsed by her character. True or not, right or not, its not up to you to decide.
Let me tell you what I was seeing instead. A calm, loving dad towards his kids, always attentive to our problems, took genuine interest in our lives, was willing to put aside the hubris that came with the status of being a parent and became more than a father. He became a friend.
Mom was, and still is, angsty, bad-tempered and downright childish. She is almost always in a negative mood, constantly picking fights, quarrelsome, overbearing, authoritarian, a total "control freak". Didn't bother trying to understand us, but rather enforced her traditional (and outdated) views of parenting. Did I mention that she is entirely irrational and controlled by her emotions? When one cannot control one's emotions, its not wrong. Its weak. She views respect as her right. We must obey because she is the mom. But dad taught us that respect must be gained. Obedience is never truly obedience unless out of love.
Mom says she still loves dad, that she wants to reconcile. But all I see is an overflow of anger, rage, bitterness, hate and angst. Unable to partition her mind, she directs all of it at us children too. Her incessant naggings and scoldings do little to endear us to her. Instead, she pushes everyone away with her horrid behaviour. She does things to hurt dad as much as possible. Is that love? Would you hurt someone you love? Would you threaten someone you love? Would you hurt the people who are dear to the person you love? (eg: dad's parents)
True, mom stays home with us, while we see dad less frequently. But staying home with the kids and spending more time with them does not have any normative value at all. Instead, its the quality and not the quantity that matters. I would rather not spend any time with mom at all. All she does is nag, and try to control what I eat, read, watch, drink, when I sleep, where I go. I can never talk to her about the deep stuff, the stuff I talk to dad, zai, alex and xiu. She is like an emotional sink, draining you of all happiness and joy, casting a shadow over your day.
Are all women like her? I believe not. Only the little girls are, and those are the ones to avoid: the childish, immature, bitchy and dumb ones.
Am I judging my mom? I don't think so. I am not normatively evaluating her. After all,
there is no absolute right and wrong.
Morality is a social construct that the blind masses subscribe to mindlessly. There is only what you like, and what you don't. So if someone does something to displease you, it is only "wrong" to you.
In the case of my mom, I am only saying, I don't like her because of her behaviour and attitude and character. "but..! your dad's in the wrong! your mom's the victim!" Sorry, you don't know the full story.
Convention does not hold with me.
I would say that me and dad, we are the victims of an immature girl in a woman's body.
There is no such thing as "righteous". At least, it is not to be defined by man (or girl). Would you consider the Middle Ages crusader who went around killing Muslims as righteous? He was to his own people. Would you consider the terrorist who blew himself up and killed the surrounding people as righteous? His was to his bunch of religious zealots. So, what is "righteous" to you is not to me, and vice versa.
And on the subject of "rights": its an illusion.
10:15 pm
sorry, blame it on me
Friday 4 July 2008
Zai recommended this.
Sounds vaguely familiar.
Reminds me of a certain someone.
LOL.
Sounds vaguely familiar.
Reminds me of a certain someone.
LOL.
As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out and apologize for things I have done
And things that have not occurred yet
And the things they don't want to take responsibility for
I'm sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect
I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I am not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there
Because I am in the streets like everyday
Sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I am so proud to call you my girl
[Bridge]
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me
[Chorus]
You can put the blame on me [4x]
Said you can put the blame on me [3x]
You can put the blame on me
Sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
Sorry that you had to go and sell those packs
Just trying to stay busy till you heard from Dad
And you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though Pops treated us like kings
He got a second wife and you didn't agree
He got up and left you there all alone
I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief
I'm sorry that I grew up way too fast
I wish I would've listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry the FEDS came and took me away
[Bridge]
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me
[Chorus]
You can put the blame on me [4x]
Said you can put the blame on me [3x]
You can put the blame on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to see
They were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani
I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
For the embarrassment that she felt
Just a little young girl trying to have fun
Her daddy should have never let her out that young!
I'm sorry for Club('s that didn't)/Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underaged
Enter 21 you know the club they say
Why doesn't anybody wanna take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame
Even though the blame's on you [3x]
I'll take that blame from you
And you can put that blame on me [2x]
You can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out and apologize for things I have done
And things that have not occurred yet
And the things they don't want to take responsibility for
I'm sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect
I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I am not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there
Because I am in the streets like everyday
Sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I am so proud to call you my girl
[Bridge]
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me
[Chorus]
You can put the blame on me [4x]
Said you can put the blame on me [3x]
You can put the blame on me
Sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
Sorry that you had to go and sell those packs
Just trying to stay busy till you heard from Dad
And you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though Pops treated us like kings
He got a second wife and you didn't agree
He got up and left you there all alone
I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief
I'm sorry that I grew up way too fast
I wish I would've listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry the FEDS came and took me away
[Bridge]
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me
[Chorus]
You can put the blame on me [4x]
Said you can put the blame on me [3x]
You can put the blame on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to see
They were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani
I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
For the embarrassment that she felt
Just a little young girl trying to have fun
Her daddy should have never let her out that young!
I'm sorry for Club('s that didn't)/Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underaged
Enter 21 you know the club they say
Why doesn't anybody wanna take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame
Even though the blame's on you [3x]
I'll take that blame from you
And you can put that blame on me [2x]
You can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
What irony.
10:04 pm
Thursday 3 July 2008
"T'was the night on Christmas Eve, when all was silent."
"and dead."
Cockroaches, no matter how irksome, never fully die out.
Weeds always exist and grow to suck the life out of you.
Pull it out vengefully only to have it grow again.
Jealousy is the parasite of the parasite.
Character assassination is popular among rivals. Especially when the rival is too weak for direct confrontation.
Have you ever wondered, if you are reacting the way the other person wants you to react?
The fool provokes the lion and gets eaten.
The greater fool provokes two lions.
"and dead."
Cockroaches, no matter how irksome, never fully die out.
Weeds always exist and grow to suck the life out of you.
Pull it out vengefully only to have it grow again.
Jealousy is the parasite of the parasite.
Character assassination is popular among rivals. Especially when the rival is too weak for direct confrontation.
Have you ever wondered, if you are reacting the way the other person wants you to react?
The fool provokes the lion and gets eaten.
The greater fool provokes two lions.
4:17 am