Yeah, Auds, really miss those halcyon days.. you still remembered the underground playroom huh? haha, so fun =) Are there no more christmas gatherings? quite sad isn't it? Still, there must be some random chance to accidentally meet.. since our schools are so near? haha, I know vj people frequent the siglap area =) but I guess parkway is where most of your crowd goes to? Still, there will be no way we'll meet at someone's wedding, cos.. well, we have no common friends. x) we can do smth way cooler: do you rollerblade? haha

chem was AWESOME. awesomely hard that is. Apparently, euge was supposed to tell me smth.. but he FORGOT! heh, it's alright euge, not blaming you or anything, but cos I find this ironically hillarious. I'm so Glad CHEM IS OVER.

Hanging outside the oac room really brings in that raw wistfulness to go TRAINING again. Really really miss those times. But they are coming back! YEAR-END EXP. xD Its amazing how I could be so stressed out over balancing studies and oac commitments. I gotta learn to prioritise both.. ADRI owns everybody else in carem (spelt like that?) still, I would rather play pool. smoother action and more control. Really, thanks for lending me your DS when I was stoning. I DEPROVED. zsst.

its the weekend. the promise of REST. so very tantalising. Just physics left. Ace it? I hope. Really like the short walks with eugene.. talking about life in general and having someone laugh at my jokes keeps me sane. I know it does for you too. =) Thanks zai-ness!

The brwncws in MJC have finished their exams alr! zzst. that was yesterday. and MEGAN! you just had to call me just now to tell me you are BLADING! argh. Three more days.. zzzst. Can't wait!

PS: I'm going back to work at haagen dasz! =) ICE CREAM! *grins*

He wants you so much, did you know?
He tells himself that it's okay
that you love him anyway.
Its always been "hi" and "bye"
when you pass each other.
Did you hear him sigh
as you walked by?

Look deep into his eyes
and perhaps you'll see,
a yearning deep inside
for your love, it sets him free.

Alone together, but still
he has to take the initiative
to ask, to suggest, to allude.
Just because he's the guy, he should?

He laughs and jokes
desperately, for you
he'll do everything to allay
your fears.. won't you do it for him, too?

Your smile says good morning,
your hand, trust.
Lean into him, full of faith.
And your kiss, deep passion.
But most of all,
when you're far away,
what he needs is to hear you say,
those three words as you breathe gently into his ear.

"I love you."

I'm talking about YOU. yeah you, girl.



PS: I'm not talking about me la. zzst.

All you do is study, dear,
so very hard
as if you wanted to
break free
of society, a cruel place
full of malice
and unacceptance.
Where everyone else has a
friend,
accept you.
Searching for but never finding
that someone who aprreciates,
who makes you feel
so precious,
so fascinating,
so very wanted.

So you hide
in the books,
in the senseless equations
and microphysics.
Trying so very hard
to numb the pain,
to dull the aching
loneliness.
Lose yourself
in grades and achievements
hoping they will give you worth,
admiration and value.
Its the only way, afterall,
not to feel so
helpless.
So Useless.
Dear girl who cries silently in the dark of night,
you remind me
of me,
in the not-too-distant past.

You wish you were strong enough
to laugh at the insanity of it all
but you can only weep, bitterly,
at the brazen skies
holding the unseen heavens and a cruel God,
who blesses everyone
but you.
All your hopes and dreams
dashed, shattered
and vaporised
as cold fatality creeps in
like a poison.

Please, little girl,
what if
I told you God was never like that?
That the misery is illusory,
and you hurt so much...
'cause you tried too hard?
Christ came and died to give you
Life, and Life more abundantly.
He loves you so very deeply.
Rest in God, for he provides.
So dry your tears
little one, don't cry now.
You are blessed, dearest.
Yes, even right now.

It has been a great weekend, just forgetting about school and all its associated stress and troubles. Of course I did study a little, but what with my piano exams today, I couldn't really do much without feeling the necessity to bang on the piano once in awhile. Stress. What an evil word. Can't really escape from it. Thank God for good music. Soothing escapism.

"What's your escape?"

I wish so much, hope so much, and want so so very much. Its like almost setting myself up for failure and disappointment. But I know I can trust in Christ. I'm still remembering the wonderful stuff I saw on michel's blog. haha.

Two more weeks before its PARTY TIME! haha =) really looking forward to it. desperately need to awp something. Satisfying knife in the head. lol, I'm talking LAN. hee. I've taken a liking for capoeira.. anybody wanna learn with me?

DREAMLIST.
Learn gourmet cookery
Learn capoeira
Get my pair of blades (not knives la.)
Get my biking license immediately after Jan 2008
Then.. get that Aprilia RSV 1000 R Factory sportbike. ($20000 w/o COE and tax)

Sponsor, anybody? haha

Was blog-browsing awhile ago, and michel's blog had this very inspirational post. Its a sweet reminder of God's amazing grace, a gift that i can barely comprehend. No matter how downcast and depressed I become, or how fearful the situation and cirumstance, I know that I can trust God, if no one else. The last post was just a dig at the question: "what's heaven like?"

Other blogs ranged from subtle hints at stress to outpourings of panic and fear. So this is what society is becoming. Quite sad isn't it? Makes one wonder: is this stress just to survive worth it? Or if suicide would provide the quick exit out of this misery (don't worry, I'm not suicidal. Just discussing this objectively.) that we are all in. No wonder suicide figures climb annually.

Human population density increases year after tortuous year, but how many nieghbours do you know personally? And how many can you call your friend? I don't know any kid in my neighbourhood. And I'm not particularly affected. A far cry from the close-knit societies of ages past. More people, less friendships. Its a lonely planet. No wonder people want to belong somewhere: churches, mosques, temples.. bars, pubs, discos.

The thing is, how do we be happy in such an unforgiving world? Where failure deals the hardest blows and fate (seemingly) trumps all your efforts. an unforgettable event would be getting 8 points instead of the expected 6 for o levels, and failing to get into vj. (Yes, I'm still very sore over that.) I begin to wonder, if however hard I try and do my best only results in failure of my objectives, and its the worst damn bad luck streaking back all the way since God knows when, why am I trying so hard then? Can I just not.. relax? Then, I see people, who do less and get more.. not study that much (or that smart) but get all the lucky breaks/blessings and I wonder again, am I cursed? Or fated to live a second class life no matter what? (I'm writing not as a Christian, but in general here.)

"Its like, all the miracles keep happenin', only in other people's lives."

"Prayers are getting answered, but its like, all not mine"-kind of feeling. Did I say something wrong? Did I not pray enough? Is it not God's will? All the questions just keep cycling through my head.. over and over. over and over and over. And the worst thing is, there seem to be no answers no matter who you ask.

"oh, its cos you are sinning and not right before God."

"oh, its because you are asking it for material gain. God doesn't like that."

"oh, its God's higher purpose."

The first two are just being judgemental. The last gets this response from me. "From now on, God, let me want only what is Your will for me. If its not Your will, let me NOT want it. Save me all that heartache and misery."

So, back to being happy. Its an easy answer, but not an easy path to walk (as always, the truly good things in life are always hard to obtain. Why? Ask God.) Want not what your neighbours have. Be satisfied with what you've got.

I'm not saying be fatalistic. I still cling on to my hopes for a better life (or what I think it is.) and the wants and needs and everything else on the neverending wishlist. The thing is, stop missing what you've not got. Its better to spend time working towards them, and enjoying what you've got even if you don't get exactly what you want. I'm still learning this lesson. Its hard. But possible. Always possible.

PS: oh, its audrey's birthday today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUDREY! =)

Stayed up all night.

Kinda feel wasted. empty. No matter how many happy endings I watch, they can't drive away the pain and lost I feel at the dual separation. Tragedy engraves itself on its audience before drowning them in a wave of despair. Agony.
So many people want to go to heaven. but where, and what, is heaven? You can't tell me for sure, can you? A place where your fantasies are played out? everyone will be in a different heaven then. A place without pain? Without sorrow? Without.. loss? but someone has to go to hell, right? the christian's heaven is a place where God resides, where I'll sing his praise for all eternity. Uh, okay. Sounds.. interesting. What about my family? My friends? My.. life? What's it like there? if heaven is a place where I lose all contact with my friends, my family, my love.. it would be.. devastatingly lonely. Even, if I could finally see God. So what if they (and me) are all part of the "Body of Christ"? If we all lose our identities, our personalities, our sense of self and all that ever happens there is a continual singing of God's [insert good qualities here], Heaven will be no more than an empty shell to me. But don't mind me, I'm just an ignorant human being who cannot fathom the will of God. (if i could I'll be God myself.)

To be honest.. Heaven holds no particular attraction for me. Its just I'm adverse to hell where all the pain and suffering there is reputedly unrivaled anywhere else. just a random thought.

Math. Its synonym is madness. I've a whole lot to catch up on. But I have not been able to for a variety of reasons. Its not a lack of time, but rather a lack of mood. Maybe the enormity of the work I have to do is affecting me. I feel so vacantly alive. Consciously dead. an experience unique to exam periods when I have not prepared but want to do well. Laughs, God help me.

Oh, dawn arrives, and the birds call.

Fate. Stay night. I wish.