Its one of those days when an epiphany hits. It is one of those instances when enlightenment tenderly embraces depression. Its bittersweet taste lingers still.. perhaps forever. An overwhelming hate and anger arises within me, threatening to burn and drown the perpetrators, the traitors, who had me like they would a whore, casually flinging me aside once they climax and release.


Have I been too obliging?


Why am I so weak-willed. Too spineless to take a stand when enough is enough. Always giving in, always pretending that everything is fine, always patiently playing the mistress, to be used and abused. A lesser human being. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I don't have to take all this shit from all of you. This ain't 1800-always-available-for-your-crap hotline. You bitches don't actually give a damn about me. All you care for is your fucking self with your fucking feelings and your bloody bruised egos. Its always about who made you upset, what made you sad, how you know the solution, how you don't have the spine to actually solve your own problems, you you you you and you. Always about you and your fucking needs. What makes you think I enjoy your fucking repetitive whining? Stop saying you don't know how to solve it. I'm a firm believer in God-given brains, so sit down and think about the fucking problem. Why keep running away? Why keep bitching about it when you're not taking constructive steps to actually resolve it? If emotions won't help you, cut it away and think logically. I can't believe why you choose to be so fucking stupid. I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy. So fuck off. Bitch.

When Shakespeare mentioned that Life was a stage and we're all actors, I don't think he was joking.
Especially about the acting part.

I never liked parties with strange people. The atmosphere begins to feel forced. And everyone spends most of the evening sizing everyone else up, leaving no time for true camaraderie. So the most common thing to do is to form social cliques - cliques of people whom one knows, or have no difficulty labelling "agreeable" and "ingratiating" or perhaps "non-threatening". Few pursue a deeper connection. I think, perhaps, the worst is ending up at a party where the only person you know is the host himself. The feeling of being ostracised (perhaps not intentionally) and feeling awkward must pervade one's entire being, leaving one's psyche with the irrepressible desire to just "up and run".

The problems of hosting are numerous. One popular trend of thought is the larger the group, the more thought given to food and accommodation (i.e. space, seating). While on the other hand, the more diverse the group mix, the greater the need for social activities to break the ice and encourage a fair amount of interaction. It is not an understatement that the host makes or breaks a good party. That's why I kinda hate being one.

But this is also an essay on hosting so I'll get to it. One of the key responsibilities of a host is planning. Needless to say, the bigger and more complex the event, the more detailed and thorough the planning needs to be to accommodate the tastes, palates and social preferences of everyone. Outdoor, indoor, choice of cuisine, seating arrangements are essentially the most basic of every party. The trickier (and invariably more important) aspect of hosting is the burden of envisioning the social interactions of the party-goers. Whether group A will get along with group B not just depends on the individual's bias, but also on the availability of opportunities for a common understanding and a sense of mutual respect. Hosts often find that the most trouble-free way to determine compatibility is to sound out clique B to clique A and find out their opinions. Hence the idea is to NOT send invitations out en masse. Obviously clique A is invited first due to their superior rankings on the social ladder of the host as compared to clique B. If clique B is found to be incompatible, a few options are then available to prevent a social disaster at the party. The most obvious one is to NOT invite clique B. The second method is less brainless and a lot more difficult: a combination of the host putting in lots of good words for clique B, working on softening clique A's stance while cautioning either group about the other's sensitivities, and then exposing them to one another in a smaller setting (casual dinner) to let them get to know each other better. Most hosts find that the best way to increase the chances of a successful party is to ensure that everyone not only knows of almost everyone else but are comfortable with interacting, with the lee-way to not know of up to a maximum of 10% - 15% of the total attendence. (I mean, besides having a good time, parties are for getting to know people [better] after all, right?) Hence for large parties, hosts often find themselves working exhaustively months beforehand, building social networks from scratch, painstakingly resolving differences, slowly moving from small parties to ever-larger ones until the grand day itself. I will not delve into the cost of time and money here. The other crucial party-making/breaking responsibility of a host is to INTRODUCE different social cliques to one another. This cannot be emphasised enough. Introductions should never just stop at names. Even though the host knows that both cliques know of each other's existence, he should still make engaging introductions like

"Vittoria, meet Damien, he's my best friend - he's very enthusiastic about the outdoors and frequently participates in activities like kayaking and rock climbing. Damien this is Vittoria, she's my classmate from SMU, we shared the marketing module together - we were so bored that we took to writing random poetry. She's pretty good."

[they shake hands]

at this point, if your friends (or acquaintences) are sociable creatures, they will naturally albeit a little shyly pick up the conversation from there. Always introduce them in a positive light. Just... showcase them like you would an achievement. You score points with everybody, what's there not to like, or profit from?

If they are dumb (literally)
continue making small talk like,

"So Damien, I heard you went to Tasmania for an expedition.. what did you do there?"

[guy enthusiastically blabs about what he did]

Here, take note of Vittoria's interest level.
If she's bored, then it time to change the topic.

"Hey Vittoria, Damien might be crazy about the outdoors, but he's surprisingly good with the violin too.. amazing huh, I wonder where he finds the time to do it.. What's your secret Damien? Oh and, he can play that piece.. um.. what's it again? Vittoria, your favourite one?"

If they still don't click.. well, don't push it. From the above, its pretty clear the host needs to know quite a bit of their personalities and their interests, as well as the tact to deliver it fluidly and with grace. It is important for the host to spend a moderate amount of time with the people he is introducing to one another. This is to make the initial moments less awkward. After the appropriate introductions have been made, don't hover around like a worried mother hen. Plus, the host doesn't have that much time to spend with one pair when there are so many awkward silences all over the place (that's if the host failed to sufficiently build the social networks before this mega-party). However, never jettison your charges and jump to the next social introduction. Its rude, impolite and insincere. Always end politely, with a warm note.

"Hey, why don't you guys continue on without me? I need to go get something to drink. You guys want some?"

If they were smart, they would say no, and if the host is smart, he'll leave them alone for awhile even if they do say yes. After a certain point in the introductions, your guests will be eager to get rid of you. (duh. mother hen.) Of course, the above example was an easy and perfect little introduction that ended with spectacular success. On earth however, such instances are rare, unless one is among the most civilised of parties with the most civilised guests. Even then, it is not common. Its not uncommon for people to feel awkward when first introduced, but it is only acceptable after the host has made a reasonable attempt at bridging the cliques (which would usually result in less awkwardness and hopefully, more interest). Also, the observant (or the mathematical) would have noticed that if the host were hosting a party of more than 50 people, bridging all of them in the above way in a single night is theoretically close to impossible, unless there are some common links among them and a greater number of happy outgoing people who have no problem being sociable, or the party's theme is "Welcoming the dawn".

Oh the troubles of hosting parties and the even greater pain of being in ones that don't really make me feel like partying.. Actually, I think both are equally excruciating in its own perverse way. Oh well, for those who like to and probably survive on feeling connected to a massive amount of other people, my advice is this: start small, practice hosting and planning, before moving on to a namemaker/breaker event. Or alternatively, if you are rich enough, just keep throwing money at it. It works. If you throw it to the right places.. (duh, just pay for a party-planner)





PS: Please don't quote me without permission.
PSS: I'll probably draft some rough party ideas next. I'm excited.

She cries herself to sleep at night
with only the moon's sympathies
for her plight
which worsens everyday
a loneliness that never really
goes away
and all that breathes in her is
a choked sob as she
carefully applies her makeup
(stencilled eyeliner, dash of eyeshadow,
faint orange blush, smudgy lipstick)
every morning
carefully because
it is a thin thread of sanity
stretched taut in all its fragility.



Go to the pine if you want to learn about the pine, or to the bamboo if you want to learn about the bamboo. And in doing so, you must leave your subjective preoccupation with yourself. Otherwise you impose yourself on the object and do not learn. Your poetry issues of its own accord when you and the object have become one - when you have plunged deep enough into the object to see something like a hidden glimmering there. However well-phrased your poetry may be, if your feeling is not natural - if the object and yourself are separate - then your poetry is not true poetry but merely your subjective counterfeit. Submerge yourself into the object until its intrinsic nature becomes apparent, stimulating poetic impulse.

Infected by the invisibly microscopic. Pain no where and everywhere. Hot yet not a temperature, cold yet not a Cold. Hungry but strangely reluctant to eat.

Waking up today was a chore.