"When one says one has no choice, one effectively loses control of oneself."

Disclaimer: This is fiction. Any semblance to a real life situation is amazing. Amazingly horrifying.




When she has been wounded and shamed, she gets desperate, desperately grasping at straws to cover the gaping wound. A wound that never heals. Toxic, sick and unhappy, she is unable to find the source of the venom. It courses through her veins, thick, green and ugly. A bright, venomous green. Green.

She doesn't know why, why she feels so bitter. It grasps her in its tight embrace, constricting. Crushing. Every single day. She is so angry. And it eats her up inside. Her heart beats with a rage, crimson blood red. Red.

Even then, she does not realise, that all that pulsating red and green makes her soul decay into a rotting black entity. I think, she's losing her sanity. Forgiveness afterall, is the hardest thing to do. She would rather die.



In the end, as Alex said, "bitterness is like eating poison and hoping the other person dies."

And I said, "what a loser."








The world is quite sad at the way things are turning out. Jane just doesn't want to pull the arrow out. She rather lie in the dust screaming to the rest of the world, "Look at me! Look at me! Ah, it hurts! I'm dying! I'm bleeding to death!" And when the wind blows against the arrow, Jane screams even louder. Simply pull out the arrow Jane, put on a bandage and recover. Then what ever happens from then on, will have no effect whatsoever. But Jane says, "its not that easy! The person that shot me must say sorry to me first! Then only will I pull the arrow out!" Grow up, we plead. Move on, we beg. But then Jane says, "ha! If that's what you want, you are not getting it! I will NOT move on. So there."

Bleed to death then.

Back from my holiday!

long 5 hour drives are just lovely for contemplating the corkscrew turns of life. Must be an effect of the endless winding roads extending into the horizon.

This journey thought me alot. About myself, and about others. Resolving conflict and managing tensions is not about solving the issue at hand. Not most times anyway. Alot of it is backing off and giving the other party some time to cool. The smart thing to do is to never react to a situation, but respond in a positive way.

"Err on the side of humour." =)

Every relationship has its sore spots and triggerpoint explosions afterall, and learning not to prod them is part and parcel of building up a close, strong and lasting relationship with another person.

And long 5 hour talks with alex in the quiet hours of post-midnight are marvellous too.

"friends are worth more than all the gold and silver in the world to me."

=)

I'll be off in 9 hours for m'sia.
A respite from the general sianed-ness
of Singapore.

Alex,
you sleepyhead! Don't sleep after dinner la. lol! I'll send you and Megan the pics when I get back. Eh, we haven't started the financial game yet..

Eugene,
I understand your busy-ness. Please don't stretch too thin. I believe you can do it! If possible, lets hang out sometime after I get back and June camp is over. Even if its just to mug. lol. You exist.

Megan,
what can I say. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.. Jia you for the competition, and have a safe journey to China! oh and, Leroy's a genius. lol =)

I'll be back on the 29th, with the NS med check on the 30th, friday. Hopefully I would have finished mugging math by then (an insurmountable task). I'm determined to have FUN while studying this hols (another insurmountable task). I'm gonna get an A for math and physics. Chem and K.I. ... maybe not this time.. B? haha (how many insurmountable tasks must I list?!)

heh heh, no choice, I made a promise, so I'll just have to

Ban. Kai.

I have no idea why I came to school today. Last day of the last week of school. Happiness.

God.
I don't know what to do.
There is so much I want.
But there's one thing I want above all.
Tell me I'm foolish.
I feel.. controlled.
And I hate it.

Sanctus Espiritus,
Redeem me from my Solemn Hour.

Alex asked me if I were being depressively emo. But no, I weren't. Not consciously anyway. I know that I should be happy, excited to be having a day out with two best friends. And I did have a good time.

I felt left out, after the movie. Left out of the one thing that I desire most. Its an emptiness, a longing, a desire. My life is quite messed up. There is no aim, no purpose save that one and only thing I live for. I told you about it, Alex, in the wee hours of Saturday morning. There is that, and nothing else.

One thing you said that pierced through the fog of self-denial:
"You never ever did do anything about it, even though you liked her."

I'm just so very tired of all the stupid excuses I've been giving myself. I've lied to myself long enough. I know you guys mean well, but the loss of certain dreams are still very sore for me. Rake up not the past that has not passed enough.

Be thankful that you have even a friendship with her, Alex. At least you know you have tried. I have none, and will always be haunted by what ifs and countless nights of sleepless regret. I want her friendship, but I have no idea how to get it. None at all. I screwed up all my chances already.

Life can only get better from now on.

We will keep the truth between us -
if we only try
love will never die.

You ask me,
why I'm hanging around?
Baby, I'll always be your fool.
Why, cos you make me lose my cool.

Its never too late
for you to see
what you mean to me.

"You have stolen my heart" - Dashboard confessional: Stolen

I broke the 20 pull up limit today. x)

K.I. was easy. But still, I screwed it up. x)

told yao i'll be back to watch titans. i didn't. x)

I'm level 77 in cabal as of today. x)

I didn't send the details abt tomorrow's movie to megan and alex until almost 11. x)

mood: x)

lols.

x)

Hey Xiu, Sophia waved at me outside the esplanade after the vj choir concert. Didn't recognise her at first. LOL ^^''

Quickly, the term has ended. The holidays (full of mugging) draws ever nearer. Can't say how much I'm looking forward to it.

Freelance today was easy. A whole lot of standing around doing nothing. Plus a 3 hour wait for the pay. THAT sucked. Thanks Angel, for being such good company. Without you, I would have been bored to death. About studying together during the hols: only at starbucks. haha!

Just read Yao's recent blog entry. It was about how the last training for year ones came and passed just like that. I don't remember my training days to be so short. Oh well, tricky thing, the perception of time.

I'll be off to M'sia next fri afternon. So I'll miss Mardi Gras. Who wants my ticket?


Poem time (free verse):

I'm thinking of you, dear.
Do you ever think of me,
Far away in elyssium,
A utopia, a heaven,
Where I'll never ever be.
You were always so blessed
With my dreams
And
Gifted with my hopes and desires.
In this dark despair of night
The moonbeam shines for you,
While my last matchstick burns
Out
And I die in the cold
Every Christmas
Eve.

I was randomly searching for blogs today, and I came across the one I used in my upper secondary years.

The me then is so different from the me now. Its shocking, what I've been through. Heights and depths, confidence to insecurity, unhappiness to joy. My past was so foreign, it felt like a polar opposite. Yet I am unable to deny it. Those words, those emotions..

The cruel twist of nostalgia.

The first post I saw was about vj. And how she made it, but I didn't. I guess, that started me on the dizzying spiral into madness. Depressing, being depressed for such a long while. And no, I still haven't really gotten over it.

Regret. It poisons me still.

Sweet innocence of youth. What a mockery.

Quietly, softly,
the approach,
so that the heart that hurts
won't hurt so badly again.

Expectations kill.

So without pretense,
in the absence of ulterior motives,
it is simply thus:
Friends.

Nothing more.

In dedication:

Silently, surely and full of grace.
Every movement,
every sway,
an explosion of art
in its purest, truest form:
body language refined,
the world of literature redefined.
No song sweeter than her joy,
in all its natural beauty
as the cascadence of
expression magnifies
from measured adagio
to the sharp allégro,
culminating in a grand sforzando;
grande finale.

From an sms to my best friend:

My Best Friend,
whether you regard me as one or not now,
I am very, very sorry for this mess.
I don't have the chat log.
Maybe she does.
But nonetheless,
I have betrayed you.
Unwittingly, but betrayed you still.
I remember that for your friendship,
loyalty is demanded,
and in this instance,
loyalty was found lacking.
Believe me please,
that I meant you no harm..
If ever those cursed words were typed out,
it came from an ill mind.
Still,
I fraternised with your mortal enemy.
Not to scheme against you,
but to find a way to resolve this peacefully.
Yet, I have fraternised with the enemy,
and for that,
I am at fault.
I beg your forgiveness,
though I do not deserve it.

I am truly,
very sorry.

right.
if i did use that particular word, it was not meant.
Clarification: He never has, and never is, doing anything of that sort.
so forgive me, or not, if you will,
for this misunderstanding.
rage if you must.
it is at an end now.
if i have written it, then i apologise unreservedly to all parties involved.
it was not intentional.
the only person i'm truly sorry to for this mess,
and it does indeed seem as if i caused it partially,
is my best friend.
I have betrayed you,
unintentionally,
but nevertheless.
I am sorry.
I don't expect forgiveness,
afterall,
expectations kill.
But if there is any chance to make amends,
I will endeavor to do so.
Be it a year,
ten years,
or my whole life time,
I am in your debt,
my best friend,
whether you regard me as one
or not.

As for the other one,
whom I thought was possible to reason with,
to reach peaceful terms,
I give up.
Thanks for using me as your leverage to exact pain
on my best friend.
You turned out to be a raging, uncontrollable, unreasonable, insiduous,
beast.
Am I wrong?
Yes, I probably am.
But afterall,


what I perceive, is reality.
and reality is the way you are right before me.

Why should I not stoop to your level and behave like you?
"because I'm better than you?"

Pity, everlasting,
remains wholely, unreservedly,
for you.
whether you like it or not.

Self-vindication is a stab in the back. Do so if you wish, but not at my expense. Some things are meant to be kept secret, others to be known, but none for you to assume and twist in misinterpretation for your own agenda. Please do not quote me out of context, especially without my knowledge.

I did think that one should be rationale, could be rationale, and stop this disaster from worsening. I was wrong. Not because you can't, but because you don't want to. You rather cut yourself free. "Is that wrong?" No it isn't, no, not unless your bloody path to freedom lies in the mutilation of everyone who cares, or used to care, about you.

"Your catharsis should never be at the expense of others."

But pride won't let you stop your emotional rampage, not until you have destroyed every bridge and every relationship, friend or otherwise. In the end, the back that you stab is your own. Even if you want to commit the fallacy of ad hominem, please make sure that the "you also" is valid at least.

"Reality is as you make it out to be."

Believe what you will, but know that ultimately it is those beliefs that shape you, or destroy you. Hate, jealousy, pride, all hide the fact that you are one extremely insecure person.

"I pity you."

Its amazing how girls can be so nice and reasonable, sensitive to the feelings of others. More amazing still that they can descend to such depths of rage and insecurity, sensitive to themselves only, so extreme that it is ridiculous. Most amazing in all that chaos is the complete neglect of the mind and all its reason.

I made Samantha cry again.

I wonder why I keep doing that. One moment, we are happy, and the next, stupid things like that have to happen. Invasion of her privacy. One of the many ways I crush her spirit. Over and over again. Thoroughly.
It began innocently enough. Walking into her room, laughing, crapping.. She was writing away in this little book, which I was not interested in, until she hastily closed it and tried to hide it. What happens next? The devil takes over. Curiosity killed the cat. But sometimes, just sometimes, the cat kills the object of curiosity.

I asked her what was so precious about that book (which was mine a long time ago, incidentally.) and she said it was private, personal. Like duh, so I asked what was so personal about it. Family? Boys? And all she deigned to reply was "personal". So I kept on holding the book away from her. She began to tear. Still curiosity (or the devil) held me in its cruel grasp. How easily, the heart turns to stone when its desires are not met, softening only when the sobs started to break through her stoic facade.

Shit.

So it was wake up, or screw up (even more). Wake up then. Did the necessary, hard though it was, and apologised, and returned the book (even harder). The one glimpse in that book will stay with me for a long time. The book's theme was loneliness. Her loneliness.

I guess I made it worse.

Megan asked if I was excited.
I couldn't answer.
Yes, no, I don't know.
They are all the wrong answers.

Then why am I there.
To support a friend.
To enjoy an art form.
To understand myself.

to see you, perhaps for the last time.

Alex, sorry for confusing you again.
I confused myself too.

Wistfulness flutters at the thought of what ifs.
But ideals are never realised.
This one's no different too. Sad.

This is probably the last time; the last glimpse.
A closing of a beautiful chapter;
a chapter I returned to for more than a decade.
A chapter that inspires.
A chapter of dreams.

Goodbye, you whom I have never known, goodbye.
Its been so long since I ceased to try,
to say we are friends would be a lie.
Acquaintances, nothing more,
though I might have loved you (or what I thought was you)
once before.
Goodbye, forevermore.

Silverstein is a new, up-and-coming band. Good harmonising. A little irritated by their screaming. I don't think screamo sounds nice at all. Acquired taste I guess. Still, Silverstein's screamo is at pretty appropriate moments, and thank God the screaming is not the whole song.

On the whole, its a good listen. Dark, emotive and very angsty.

I found two good texts on Accounting in borders. Gonna be spending more time there reading them ^^ lol, cheapskate. Had a starbucks session with xiu today. A think I overtalked. lol. I saw xiu yawning. O.o haha.. I was too, even after a mocha frappe. Geez. Coffee has almost no effect on me. At least not the ones at Starbucks.

I'm tired. Need to sleep.

Soon.