Hey, I missed school today. Like, totally. The burning last twilight took too much sleep away.. Overslept till it became pointless to go to school, what with school ending at 11.40am for me. It was a really restful day. Nothing but leisure and a little bit of physics. Yeah, I should be mugging like a madman. So sue me. =)

I figured mom has been digging me for information on dad. Like what the. I trusted her. At least I thought I did. Ignore the fact that I leaked out sensitive classified information, albeit indirectly. Still, I thought better of her. Disappointing. No, I do not claim the moral high ground. I act based on a purely selfish basis. Dad's happiness takes precedence over hers. Its not a question of who's right and justified. Its about hurting someone. And I rather that someone be her. Too bad. Blame it on the incessant nagging, screaming and threatening.

Shoots, its 10.51 pm now.. Better go catch the Zs 'fore I deficit again.

Cheerios.

Paramore, paramore... I must stop thinking of thee.

Its 12.20 am on a tuesday twilight. I can't believe I'm doing it again, the agressive burning of the lamp. Trying so hard to think of examples to the vagarities of the social sciences. Not easy, but definitely interesting. Its like a whole load of mundane, common sensical knowledge without any significant phenomenons. At least there isn't any for that last paragraph I scribbled on the green-lined notepad. Trawling the net for information makes one realise how much junky, useless trash is out there taking up bandwidth while all the goodies remain hidden. For awhile anyway.

Decided to take a break (wish I had a coffee. Starbucks.) and just update a little on what's cracking over here. I need to rest. Really. Not that school life is tough (though it is) or how miserable it is to see the twins and do nothing (though it is too) but gee, I've been trying too hard lately. When was the last time I had a computer gaming spree? Ages and aeons ago. Need to chill and live life the way it was meant to be. So stop me if you can (though you most probably can't).

Hmm, one should never focus on the problem but, for record purposes, I have one. Let's label it X. Just for a little faith test, I commit it to the Lord today.

Now I rest.

I realised, that today, I came close to what I have been doing for the whole of last year: bumming around wasting my time. It felt.. bad. Stop it Joshua. You must understand that to the oac guys, bumming around is rest and relaxation compared to all the crap they have been slogging their guts out for. For you, its boredom. To them, its a great break. Well, anything is better than working.

Life is colourful, sploches of dark threatening hues against a bleak backdrop set against an overcast circumstance.. When it rains it pours, flooding, drowning, cleansing. Violent colours, vibrant colours, all come pouring down in technicolour shades. Pain & pleasure, all roled into one.

I want to be friends, that's all. But I guess I don't know how, don't know what. Completely senseless about propriety and doing stupid things like ASK WEIRD QUESTIONS. Oh well, bye bye beautiful. It was nice while the game lasted. Sorry I spoilt your fun by guessing who you were. I should have played dumb. LoL

The sky is one lacklustre shade of off-white, my inner mirror. Its Valentine's on this lovely but uneventful day. Paramore sings quietly in the background. Okay, maybe not so quietly. Misery Business is the name of the game, as my heart takes another short trip on the swing. I glance urgently at the phone, willing you to reply, to send an sms hours overdue, to imply that I did not cross the line; that its really game over. One can only wonder at the potential mistakes one made in retrospect. Regrets? Not really, just a slight wistfulness at a chance that slipped by. Not meant to be is not meant to be only after one has tried. I tried. And its not meant to be.

And I really can't seem to remember your face.

PS: You did reply after all.. LoL

There was this ugly incident on the train involving an uncivilised indian.

Question: is the above sentence racist?


The idea of racism seems to be linked to comments that involve a race. But there is nothing more defining then his race. What if I changed it to: it was a man in his mid-30s, wearing a dark-coloured, collared, long-sleeved shirt, whoose skin happens to be dark. Vague huh? So, if I just use the word 'indian', the stereotype picture kicks in. Coupled with the word 'uncivilised', it does wonders in making one picture a not-so-affluent, angsty indian picking a fight.

But if I phrased the sentence differently...

There was this ugly incident on the train. Ugly, because it involved an indian. An uncivilised indian.

Now, this would smack of racism, because I appear to be targeting a specific racial group to the exclusion of all else.

one question: If I targeted my own race, would I be guilty of racism? Or reliability enhanced as thought in social studies?



PS: I really had a bad encounter with a different race on the train yesterday. But the above ideas are just an academic study. My personal views are not expressed here.

School in TJ has been hectic. At least I feel that way. It the K.I.(Knowledge & Inquiry) I.S.(Independent Study) that is really draining away my resources.. Namely my time and sometimes my money. First, the requirements for the I.S. are so very vague, that a first time academic proposal writer like me shoots off on a beautiful tangent into the realm of "its-too-general-and-vague-there-is-nothing-of-substance-here-please-do-it-again". Yes, I know its vague. I wrote it with that intention in mind, mind you. Its a subtle way to say I need you to tell me how, like, be more specific in your intstructions please. Even after asking for directions when help was not forthcoming, my muddled mind was not less muddler (such a word? no? okay, nvm, I create it. Now.) Basically, I was told to have more, then told to be specific. So what are you trying to say exactly? haha.. I won't say its her fault, but I would appreciate she not assume that everyone has experience writing such proposals like the gifted few. But things worked out after daddy prayed for me (all glory to God). My first proper draft was "a major improvement". I personally felt that my draft put her in a good mood. ^^ (euge, you know what I mean)

Things aren't that grey though. But not for the I.S., I would not have found my third home (alex's house being my second). Its called the National Library. More specifically, the upper levels of erudition. (I hate the basement level 1 trash. I'm not referring to books.) The peaceful environs not yet invaded by Ah Bengs, Ahmads and Muthus out to attract attention and outdo one another in antics of the utmost stupidity, annoyance and disturbance, is a safe haven for scholars and novice researchers, especially if they are socially more cultured (like me). But the pains of ignoramuses and inconsiderates are not left behind on the ground floor, even at such lofty heights. This incident of a mid-forties male, chinese, brought his brat of a son to the LKC ref. lib. where I was in the midst of a most serious research, gave me the greatest displeasure. The said chinese male was dressed in garments so casual it could barely be worn in the heartlands, if not only at home. He had an attitude to match. Gazing in wide-eyed amazement at the beautifully furnished hall I was in, he gasped (at an audibly irritating volume) in surprise and subsequently turned to his brat and exclaimed in vaguely intelligible syllables that the library is so wonderful. The brat was worse. A chip that degenerated off the old block. He did not bother to keep his squeaking voice hushed. He galloped (yes, like a horse left with only two legs) around with heavy, loud footfalls fit to wake his father from the dead, if the old man dies. I'm thankful they found the books (and their contents) too abstruse for their pea-sized uneducated brains, thus leaving the library and returning the peace they so callously robbed me of. Bastards. haha

To be honest, I hate stupid, inconsiderate, impolite people. Basically, uncivilised barbarians and abominations of society. That means Ah Bengs, Ahmads and Muthus. In all fairness, not all Ah Bengs, Ahmads and Muthus are stupid. But they are all inconsiderate and impolite. Am I exaggerating? If they are polite, they won't be labelled Ah Bengs in the first place. In fact, the root cause of my intense dislike could have stemmed from the apparent weakness in what they pride themselves in: the need for a group identity that empowers them when in actual fact they are all cowards too fearful to face the truth of reality and experience the whole spectra of emotions, correction, experience it FULLY. They only choose to hate and get angry. No shame, no remorse, no sadness. These gets suppressed under the insurmountable amounts of hate and anger they exude from every pore. Alright, say I'm elitist. But all I'm looking for is a world without such undesirables. And yes, it is too much to ask for.

After writing all that, I looked at my blog title and it says: Twins. Damn, I sidetracked once again. LOL! So, back to the title, Twins. There's this pair of TA2 girls in TJC. God, if my future wife would look like them, how blessed I would be. The tangible grace and poise of these two provides the greatest eye candy any guy, of the same taste as me, could ever wish for. So mesmerisingly beautiful, these two gorgeous females.. I think culture, upbringing and social values (that determine whether one is an Ah Beng or, in this instance, Ah Lian) can be detected in the way one conducts oneself in public. True, what happens behind closed doors is another story, but if the base, animal behaviours can happen in public, then the person has no inhibitions at all in doing it to a greater degree at home. *shudders* At least, the person who can be civilised in public, can be civilised at home too. Correct me if I am wrong, but what happens in public is the tip of the iceberg on what's happening at home. And even if these two are bitchy and full-time Ah Lians, they are picture perfect, and will always be my beloved eye candies. At least, until I leave TJC. (I might still come back and visit though, just for a glimpse of these two attractive potentials.) ^^

PS: Yixiu says that Remiko from TA3 is my angel

Its been weeks already, since I last smsed, IM-ed, or called you. How are you? I'm so sorry, I didn't want to hurt you this way. I'm overcome by guilt everytime I touch a computer. Yes, that's where all my memories of you reside, through the crystal screen of a laptop.

I have not forgotten you, never could, can't and never will. Its not so much love, but the deep interactions of the soul at an intimate level. The late nights and early mornings of curiosity and excitement at the discovery of a whole new world. That, was the cruel lure, the promise of a fairytale dream.

I find saying the words "I love you" in english very awkward and uncomfortable, so alien and unexpressive. Call it cultural exclusiveness, but I can only convey the depth of my emotions, especially love, through the nuanced articulation of my beloved mothertongue. Strange, isn't it, that after all the years of hated memory work and agonising periods of chinese, I only grow to love it after I've washed my hands off its education. The colour and life that it brings can never be fully encompassed or duplicated by the relatively sterile english language.

Not that english is any inferior. My favourite genres of music are in english, the beloved medium of expressing the "so-out-of-love" feeling.. The choice medium of expressing angst and sorrow. But not love. Not that it fails to do so entirely, but it does not portray what I feel fully.

Yes, language is a barrier for us. A huge one. You'll never understand me and I'll never understand you. Not entirely. Its the difference in culture, that illicited such exotic attraction, and in the end, will be the massive fractures in our relationship.

I am like the wind, staying not for long, always moving, always searching, but never finding the place where I'll be content. I am infatuated with infatuation, in love with love. That bright burst of attraction and the tantalising possibilities that give rise to such intense emotions, wildest hopes and beautiful dreams.

But dreams and reality are worlds apart, one in the ideality of the mind, the other in the cruelty of the world. Unless She comes along, the one more perfect than the mind's ideal, shocking my reality into a dream. Sadly, She isn't you.

But I am lonely. The loneliness of a bachelor, none understands, save his closest friends, cos only amongst them can such feelings be confessed freely, and surprises of surprises, they feel the same way too. Still, I have faith that She is going to appear in the least expected way, chase away the dull haze of loneliness with the bright blaze of her love.

Till then, I'm free to window shop, seeing, trying but never buying. Afterall, I have only so much love to give.

Love, the bittersweet intertwining of two lonely souls.