Its not always rainbows and butterflies.

I have no idea how to do my K.I. essay. I have no idea how to do my I.S. Math is a blur. Physics is just rushing by and Chem. Dear, dear chem just grins at me in all its organic beauty.

Thank God for:
Thursday Labour Day - a day to finish up all my overdue work.
Friday Starbucks - to diffuse the tension of the week and cheer me up after I.S. consultation.
Saturday VJ Dance - to convince myself that friends is all that I will ever need.
Sunday Church - where I get my dose of divine intervention.

Then the chaos begins anew.

I hesitate to type the next few lines, deeply aware of the harrowing patterns of past statements. Trend is, the positive thing once stated disappears. Still, i will say it: I'VE CUT DOWN ON CABAL.

There. The urge to play creeps in agian. Joy.

Its almost midweek (grins) and that means the worst is almost over. Almost, because one can't say how this week could twist around. We all hate ironies. It usually results in tragedy.

In a semi-cool computer lab, with so much to do and no will to, one can only console oneself by the (relatively) useless task at hand: blogging. A semblance of work with the comforting clack of the black keys. Mind focused firmly on every letter and word typed forth, never straying to the frightening void desperately waiting to be filled by all I need to know to pass my A levels. Instead, I look up and out the grilled windows and smile at such a beautiful day. Nature, in all its sweltering heat of the Singapore climate, beams back at me with the promise of clear skies and good weather. How wonderful. Still, I am dimly aware of a part of me that wishes it would rain torrentially to suit the dark angst of my psyche.

Maybe it will.

Afterall,
Its not always rainbows and butterflies.

Its amazing how frost can be transmitted electronically.

Cold.

Then again, sensory (and emotional) perception is just an illusion.
Stay busy or stay cold, it matters not, 'cos I don't really care.

Not anymore.

the lost of a dream is very real;
as real as dreaming is, anyway.

fictionjunction is very emotive.
especially honoo no tobira.

I seem to have lost a childhood dream.
I have no new ones.
Life is exponentially drawing towards meaningless.

my only joy can be found in music, physical exertion and friends.
Nothing else seems to matter.
Stuck.

I want, but I don't know what I want and when I want.

I, must stop being afraid of you.

Foreword, Disclaimer, and whatever-political-have-yous.

The entry below is an expression of a chapter of my life that has gone unwritten for a (long) time. Unwritten no more, it finally appears, in what I hope is a more mature form. WARNING: DARK, ANGSTY EMOTIONS IN THE POST BELOW. NOT FOR THE OVER-SENSITIVE. The objective of the below post is first and foremost to capture MY memories of, and MY thought processes on, that momentous incident. Secondly, it is meant to cause the relevant people to critically analyse the knowledge construction of what makes a true OACian(laughs) - basically, wake up if you haven't. I as author assert that the situation depicted below is true to my perception at that point of time, time being the end of last year/beginning of this year. All views and opinions are solely mine and I claim partial responsibility not amounting to compensating any reader (or reader's kith and kin) who commits suicide due to emotional trauma or any action of that sort. Any (mis)representations are solely my responsibility. Current relations are cordial with (all) the OACians of the 07/08 batch. At least, from my point of view. No disrespect is meant. I, the author, apologise for any greviance caused from you voluntarily reading the below entry. Your (constructive) input is greatly appreciated. All similarity today is purely a (sad) coincidence.

Finally, I want to thank my father, my mother, my first sister, my second sister.. Oh shut up Joshua.

Weep As I Crush You.

OAC. The pain, the suffering, the agony, was all worth it. Worth it as long as you were physical. I never felt more alive with you in my life. Never, that is, until you begin to die in my heart. But die you did not, until you rotted, decayed and infected my soul with fear, hate, anger and angst.

Angst.

Tell me why I felt angst. Why, when you were supposed to give me new life. Why, when all day and all night I thought of you. That was because, you betrayed me. You did not tell me what you truly were. So many skeletons in the closet.

I became one of them.

Thank you, because from you, I learnt alot. No, not how to be stronger, not how to fight, not how to work in a team. No, all I really ever learnt was to toe the line. All I learnt was to be politically correct. All there is, is to practice the art of showmanship; showcase a lie to get by.

Thank you.

Right now, I see you clearly in the aftermath of my death; I see the empty shell, that's what's left.

No, its not your fault. You were so beautiful. At least, your ideal was. Such irresistible appeal. You changed hands, you see. And the latter boss had no heart for you. Unlike the former. This boss, pressured the manager with unrelated goals and deadlines. This boss did not, doesn't, and will never care. This boss is about reaping rewards without the hardwork of sowing and toiling. This boss is not interested in working or training together with you. This boss does not (and doesn't want to) understand. This boss, basically sucks. This boss is NOT an OACian.

This boss had it in for me. Ever since I crossed her friend from pre-u sem. Labeled the "bad kid; problematic troublemaker", she searched for every reason to kick me. Unfortunately, I gave her every reason to by not toeing her line. Afterall, to her, I'm just "another statistic" that "didn't make it".

But I must also thank my team, for not only failing to stand up for me, but for taking a stab at a dying man. Justify this statement? I can't. Except, if you wish, the feeling that I have made some effort to improve that went unrecognized. Or maybe cos the majority of you weren't up to standard either and deserved to be kicked out as I was.

But you weren't.

I was.

I could list out alot of your flaws that day. But I was too choked to. Choked because I never expected my team to DO IT to me. To follow the boss and shoot me down. A boss that doesn't care about you, except how you will look on her resume/CV. Maybe you were just thankful that someone else was targeted instead of you. "But, you asked us to point out your flaws what.." hey, I was asking you to tell me what you always tell me every other time during evaluation: NOTHING. why did you suddenly speak up? Was I given a chance to learn from what you suddenly said?

You know, I never really got round the feeling of betrayal. I tried my best to blot it out from my memory. Its a self-preservation thing, you see. But sadly, it didn't work. Its been festering. And growing. I love you guys, but I hate you as well. How can two different emotions run together? Like this lor. Let me do it to you, then you will understand how it can be. My ex-team, you are like an ugly jigsaw puzzle, with all sorts of pieces forced together, and trying to pass as a picture framed on a wall. The thing is, you don't realise how prominent your failures are. Still, when all was nice and rosy, I sincerely had alot of fun with you guys. I thought, through it all, we would make it together. I trusted my team.

Trusted.

My latecoming might be a reflection of my attitude. But your failure to meet standards like push ups, chin ups, etc, is the same. "but we got train wad.." Yeah, and I made an effort to sleep earlier but guess what. You don't realise the magnitude of what I did. To you, making it on time might be damn easy. Well, doing pull ups and push ups and sit ups is damn easy for me too. And, IF you really did train, you wouldn't still be UNABLE to meet STANDARDS. Last I've noticed, you guys don't give a damn about standards anymore. Abit lax now huh? You mean once you BECOME AN INSTRUCTOR, you can GIVE UP ON THE STANDARDS? What's your excuse? because EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING THE SAME? I didn't realise it was that easy being an "instructor". Why don't you proudly tell the juniors how you made it. Notice how the boss doesn't care? Or at least, she didn't "care" about you as much as she "cared" for me. Ooh, lucky me. In a sense, you are JUST LIKE THE BOSS.

Haha, you know what? I don't have any respect for you. You who can't even meet physical standards, which is the easiest to achieve. Much less the mental ones which you all are failing just as badly.

You, who stabbed me at my weakest,
Weep as I crush you.

pain.

A whole lot of it. When your dream burns up in smoky ashes and your heart breaks into pieces. Who is to blame, for all the hurt that you feel. As that elyssium decays into a fitful nightmare, you are left wondering why, why the lies, why the betrayal. Heart palpitating in fear and dread as each week rolls by.. this should never have been the case. Everybody mocks, everyone else jeers, and the blind men continue their farce. Philosophizing seer, you desperately try to understand why you are the only one desperately trying to save the fools. And the blind men continue their farce. Beg, threaten, reason, bribe. Your pleas go unseen, unheard. Perhaps, you are the fool. Used, and abused. For pride and honour. Or the illusion of it.

This is April. Fly, Time, Fly. Then Freeze.
Grins.