Prelims was really bad. I've never gotten worse grades in my life. I guess there's a first for everything. It's okay. As okay as losing an arm because you were careless. But its okay.

There is more to life than grades. More to life than money. More to life than an arm. At least, I hope there is.

Good music.
Good games.
Good food.
Good friends.

What more could I ask for?


Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true at last, there is life and joy.

What would I give, for that Christmas Eve

My heart is bleeding from a memory.
A memory that refuses to go away.
That wistfulness intertwines with nostalgia,
and I am wretched.
Indeed, very very wretched.

Your smiles torment me.
Your joy is my sorrow.
Your gain my loss.
But why?
Why the pain?
Why the emptiness..

Everytime you surface in my memories,
the wound reopens anew.
And the crimson regret spills and overflows,
never filling those empty dreams..
My empty dreams.

Hope is said to give strength and life.
But what if Hope dies..?
What if my Hope dies.
With it goes my strength and life.
For you I lived.
For you, without you, I would die.
Am dying.
Dead.

Fate or God, or cruel Lady Luck,
we meet at a distance,
never ever close.
Not even a quick wave.
Your smiles were never for me;
your smiles were for everyone but me.
I said I would give up on you.
Its over. It should be.
But my heart aches miserably.
You are near,
so tantalisingly near,
but yet so far away.

All that remains is
Why.

And more painfully,
Why not.

I've a question:
Are men psychologically and/or physiologically unable to commit permanently to a relationship?







On an Unrelated Note:

The average paycheque is designed to keep the masses in the workforce for at least 25 years. Because of Singapore's declining birthrate, inflation will exponentially increase while our pay increments lag far behind. This would mean that we would have to work for 35 years instead. Or maybe 40. Or 50.

The question no longer is whether one wants to work or not. One must work to survive.
let's take a look:

1. HDB is only for married couples/family.

2. so if one remains a bachelor, the cheapest private housing - condominiums- is about.. 0.8 - 1.2M?

3. with inflation and steadily increasing property prices (don't forget the influx of foreign immigrants - I heard a rumour that the gov. wants to jack it up to 8.5M people in S'pore) when one can put a downpayment on a house, it would cost approx. 1.2 - 1.5M.

4. now, if your starting pay is 5000 with an annual increment of 500 plus 2 months bonus, you will need at least 28.633837181 years. Now, this is just to pay for the house.

5. count in condo maintanence, insurance, car, food, dates, holidays, music cds, home theatre system, furniture, (my CFIIIS yamaha grand, my Nikon DSLR) and the price tag is wayyy higher.

6. Now, after working 28.633837181 years, to pay for all this.. what are you going to retire on?

7. the average guy gets into the workforce (after uni. ed.) at 25. therefore he would have to work at least 35 years (or more). So he quits the workforce at 60.

8. 60 years old. Can you now finally enjoy? Or must you think of living till 80 and save up every penny?

9. My conclusion is this: Euthanasia should be legalised.

It is necessarily so.

That at crunch time, usually around the (major) exam periods, one begins to think about what life has to offer (if one fails the exam). Small consolation, but necessary, necessary delusion to anaesthetise the deadly fear. Dread poisons, paralyses like the incoming headlights exponentially approaching the fated roadkill.

That is probably why vice exists- A saccharine distraction as your dreams and hopes shudder, sunder under the cruel grind of meritocracy. Why oh why, must we sleep? If we didn't, then we would not need a house. Why must we eat? If we didn't, we wouldn't be worried about when the next meal is coming. Then, we could focus on the more important things in life- music, good books, the arts and aesthetics.

I am necessarily bored with-.

Piano

Sweet is the sound of the weeping hammerklavier
as my hands gently caress her cold white keys;
as my fingertips softly push her pale ivory keys.
Quivering notes in resonance; vox angelis pianoforte,
Sing for me;
Scream for me.

Sleep today after physics was fitful, stormy, dark and evil.
In the afternoon.
Which was bright and sunny, calm and balmy.
Such mockery in contrast.
Quite insulting, and a little disappointing, that the world wasn't up in flames when I woke.

How the sun drains the life right out of me, I don't think anyone will understand.
Mugging chem now.
3 hours left.
Joy.

Vows

Breathe,
for she never was.
Never was as you thought.
Everything began with a mistake.
Mistaken identity.

Fate or God, God or Fate,
whichever pleases you,
at once stifling and
liberating at once.
-but never coincidental.

The weight of the world
is only made up of
your previous lovers, her previous lovers
and the stiff spike of-
a jealousy.

Under that jealousy, a hurt
because:
Forgetting to remember
is less painful than
Remembering to forget.

But that's what un-stifles
this life!
The maddening uncertainty
of the pendulum and the clock-
Until you see the accursed symmetry.

Loves, hates, fights, breaks,
patches, kisses, loves, hates-
Enjoy the simplicity
of the harmonic motions!
Oscillations that go on, and on, and on, and-

So you wait for her
to wait for you
to wait for her,
before you decide to
exchange one evil for another.

For better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
to more intensely
love, hate, fight, break,
patch, kiss, love, hate-

Dance, Little Girl
Inspired by and dedicated to Eunice Yeo, a very dear friend.

Dance, little girl,
in the quiet alcoves by the bay.
The gentle sea-wind caresses
tenderly on this Sunday.
Away from the prying eyes
you dance,
merrily, happily
in the shallow wade-pools
as the secret melody pulls
lovingly,
always lovingly on you.

Dance, little girl,
on the fair meadows of Summer-May.
The gentle prairie-wind whispers
and the yellow-gold daffodils sway.
Away from unkind stares
you dance,
joyfully, gladly
by the bubbling stream that almost sings
of the secret melody, pulling
lovingly,
always lovingly on you.

Oh, but what happen'd,
little girl? Why
no longer joyful nor glad?

The sadness in your eyes overflow
through crimson tears
as your world grows harsh, cold.
No love, no love, no more.
Gone are the Summer days of before.

And you dance,
on the shards of shattered dreams.
your broken sobs fill the aching emptiness,
Hope's requiem, deep Sorrow's hymn.
In the midst of mockery,
pierced with loss and blood-red agony
you dance,
abandoning yourself to
the secret melody that pulls
lovingly,
always lovingly on you.

Like that Sunday,
in the midst of Summer-May.

Eugene's post set me thinking: Why am I studying what I'm studying, and doing what I'm doing?

While I began to ponder why, an answer began to gradually emerge: I am doing all this, because I am afraid. I am afraid that later in the future, I would regret not studying, that is why I must study to solve a future regret.

I am not against education, but the fixation on it as a means to an end. It is true that for survival's sake, one needs to be economically active. But it is more than survival. The truth is, that we are after self-actualisation (refer to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). We, are after power. Nobody wants to jeopardise their chances at achieving self-actualisation. But the problem is, the education system as the only means of self-actualisation is implicitly forced down our throats, since the moment we could hold a pen. Is it really?

The questions that one should begin asking is: Is all the time and effort I put into the paper chase worth it? Is 10000/month jobs or 20000/month jobs really worth 7 am - 9 pm, 6 days a week, 52 weeks a year worth it? Is the stress, the unhappiness, the failed opportunities at relationships due to work commitments really worth it? Can we say it is worth it?

Its as if we are all living for the future, that we fail to live in the now. 16 years of my life will be ploughed into the system if I finish my university education. Another 30 years will most probably be spent working. Is it worth it?

Education was a noble ideal. Until it became an economic tool to justify who got the higher paying jobs. But education is not my life. Working is not my life. They are necessities, true. But necessities for survival are at the bottom of the pyramid in Maslows Hierarchy. Self-actualisation is at the top.

Some believe in the power of delayed gratification. The idea is, that what I don't spend today, I get back in greater proportion tomorrow. Or, if I don't play today but study, I can get a good job and be able to "play" more. E.g. If I don't splurge 1000o dollars on that home theater system today, I can probably invest this money and get back twice that amount next year. E.g. 2 If I slog my guts out at work, I'll be a millionaire and then I can retire in a few years time. The thing is, do you know if you'll still be around next year? Or even tomorrow?

These questions have no easy answer. Both extremes are costly. The key is finding a balance. And all balances are subjective; it depends on the individual. What matters at the end of the day is, what would make you happy?

"Don't live in fear."

I got a pair of Shure earphones! Okay, its freaking ex. but my ears just couldn't resist the awesome sound reproduction. Plus, I've been off the life-support system (music) for long enough. Its almost like an addiction. It feels good to be plugged in again. haha

The Comex '08 fair was really a squeeze. Its really mad, considering that the whole convention centre's worth of space was fully utilised for the exhibition. I mean, even the ballrooms were totally crowded out by the handphone service providers and the handphone megabrands like Sony Ericsson and Samsung, et al.

Was really tempted to get the X-Fi mp3 player from Creative, and it comes with quite a good pair of earphones as well. Or so it was published. Tried both the player and the earphones. The player is really good, but only without the X-Fi capability, which is such an irony. The earphones of Creative were over-attempting to jack up the bass notes and over-sharpening the high-mid freqs., resulting in oppresive base killing the low-mid freqs and an extremely harsh high-mid range respectively. Still, they were way cheaper than what I had to shell out for my Shures. I guess you get what you pay for. (Am I reassuring myself that my Shures were worth it? hmm.)

However, with a good pair of earphones, I've begun to realise that all the music players at home (incl. my Nokia N73) kinda fails to max. out the potential of my earphones. Which means.. I got to fork out more lucre to get a decent mp3 player. Oh no.

This can be applied to life, no? Managing expectations is a must for happiness. Don't over-upgrade your tastebuds when your bank account can't keep up. Or when you can't enjoy the simple pleasures of life anymore.

Anyway, Sunday was spent going to church and basically hanging out all day with Alex, Megan and Eunice. Sundays are really beginning to be really fun =) Crossing out pictures of *Ahem* in the papers, alcohol wipes and the talking session in the most unglam of places (sitting on the pavement in town) talking about random stuff - these really made Sunday so enjoyable. ^^

On a (pseudo) philosophical note: The horizon that can be reached was never a horizon in the first place. So in the futile quest to attain the impossible, it is no longer the goal that is important ('cos the goal can't be achieved anyway), but the process; the quest.

I am happy, and content for now, and I guess that is what matters.