It is already too late.

haha, I'm so tired right now.. I don't know what's gonna happen next. whatever God wills it to be I guess. I have no more energy for things like love. Not for a very long time.
Girls don't like good guys.

It hurts.

What do people do when they screw up? What do people do when they burn all their chances and all that's left is the smouldering ash of could-have-beens?

Move on. Do other things. Stop thinking and all that self-reproach. Subscribe to every available distraction. Friends. Family. Get a pet.


Yes, no, maybe?
I wish I knew what she's feeling, before its too late.
Although it kinda feels like that alr.
Or maybe I never had a real chance in the first place. Not even one in a million.

What was I thinking?
Blind & naive.
Hahaha, thinking like that, its really funny.. =)

"Must be joke."

1. driving license (~$4000)
2. camera (~$700)
3. gym (~$2000)
4. japanese classes (~$3000)
5. Form a jamming group (?)

Haha, I know, not the easiest things to do.. but the driving license is top priority.
The camera's for posterity.
The gym's for.. fun.
The Jap classes are for.. more fun.
The jamming group's for.. stress relief. haha


I got to stop being negative.. Like the negative film strip, I've been filtering light and making it go all wrong. In the end I just screw myself up. Its not merely being diplomatic.. its roots go far deeper than that.. Its a mindset change I need.

I gotta believe (even if the risk of getting damaged increases) that people mean well.. Stop thinking so much in negatives. I gotta be more like eugene in this. I hope I come out of this change alive.. and a better person. Thinking the worst of every person - Paranoia. Thinking the best of every person - naivety? how to find the right balance.. argh.. my head's killing me.. But I guess, being naive is better than living the life so negatively. Okay, time to change lanes.

God help me.

Its been a long time..

Updates:
I signed on to be in the Air Force as a C3 officer. Just finished my Air Force Service Term (AFST) and am currently spending one of the last days of block leave for this year. Will be having my pro-term in AFTC at paya lebar.. at least its nearer than JK.. but still.. stay in.. =/

Its crazy I know.. there's a lot of things I don't really understand about myself. I'm discovering new boundaries and idiosyncrasies about myself everyday, and its like I'm looking at a total stranger sometimes.

I miss my freedom the most. I'm still dealing with it like most of my mates are.. Serving takes a lot out of us and its not been easy.. and its barely even half a year.

Not knowing where the wind blows I
will take my chances
and trust God to open paths that I never thought
possible. Because Faith is
like the desperate cry of those
who are lost and
confused,
hitting road blocks and
dead ends
for God to
do something only God can do.

The L word is forbidden starting from today.