Of my Freedom.

Not that I mind.
Too much idle Time sends the mind into the Devil's Pantomime.

She will disappear into the mist as I leave the familiar shores of Monotony for the horizon of Dreams. The brave unknown, the wild unknown beckons.

For the far Isle of the Black Pearl beckons.

A New World, a strange world... A wishful Fantasie, or the Darkest Nightmere...? The thrill verily excites me, like the Seabreeze for the Sailor, and uncharted maps for the perpetual explorer. Push the New Frontiers for Gold, Gems and Glory. For Life, Love and a Story.

Oh Wright of Wunderlust, how you have seduced me... young Banshee, with your True Call, you have awakened me, and I... I am to wed thee. For alas, your sisters keen for our Sorrow, and lure me ever onward across the Sunset-ochred Sea.

You shall I seek and find,
and only you shall I wed.

Red, the colour of roses,
they bloom in the midsummer heat
a dark night, a deep night.
The dappled moonlight
the only light
greying the glades
with cold, dark moonlight.
A night for deeds
of crime of thought of passionate drought.
Red, the colour of blood
in mine still-beating heart,
the only warmth in my cold, bluish veins,
Silence,
the only blessing for my pains.
Silence,
the only answer left for my pains.
Freely given, unwillingly received, poison'd to keep.
But keep, bitterly,
in the glades of cascading silence,
with only the wailing moon,
spilling her pale blood
on this dark night, deep night.

Is a blessing beyond measure.

Walking around Bugis, adrift and alone, drives home the aching loneliness of well, being alone. Not so much the lack of a girl, but more so the lack of a companion, a friend. Wandering about, circling the entire place 4, 5 times, every floor, every nook and cranny, every toilet.. This was my fate yesterday. Stupidly, I left my earphones at home.

Was feeling empty. Guess being dehydrated and downing two cans of Suntory Coffee doesn't help either. I was so bored, I went down to the boombox (a.k.a. arcade) and watched people kill creeps on House of the Dead 4 (or was it 5? is there even a 5?) and pros whack the drum machine and scoring perfect combos. Sad huh.

The happiness I felt when dad, flor, and little bro jon met up with me for dinner, was a mixture of relief, joy and comfort. Where we go and what to eat for dinner became an irrevelant question, as long as we were together. The fatigue lifted, or at least, was held at bay.

No matter how upset I get with the family, I guess when I'm lonely, they more than make up for it. haha

And no euge, I wasn't chionging CS.. haha, though I might.. lolness, but I still prefer Left 4 Dead.. lol

Didn't church with her on Sunday. She's with the cousins. Or so she says. I asked her to go cycling today. I asked on Thursday. She said it was a nice idea and would get back to me about it. She hasn't. She'll probably sms me later today to say she forgot, or that she's busy. Or she won't sms at all.

I think I should give up trying.
I think, I should write a letter.


This is what I want to write in the letter:

"Hi.

I kinda wonder a little at why what we have (if we even have anything at all) is getting so cold. But I think I know the answer. You either noticed and don't give a damn, or noticed and didn't give a damn. So which is it? If you are playing games, I am sorry, its not having any other effect except driving me away. Maybe that's what you want. Well, congrats, you have succeeded.

Because, I am not one to chase. It is, a fucking waste of my time and effort. Hope you find your Mr. Right (or Mr. Chase), because, it definitely isn't me. How about that guy you were practically gushing about? The one that can drive you around and bring you to nice posh restaurants, who makes loads of effort to please? Oh, and I don't think we can be friends either. Not because of me, but because of you. You can't seem to take me liking you and me being friends with you. Either that, or we have different definitions of friendship. Regardless, I think its safe to delete me from your contact list, because, I think I probably will.

Merry Christmas."

But I probably wouldn't.


Though its tempting.

A dandelion is only good for one purpose, and that is describing how I feel.

Pushing daisies is a really good drama series, capturing facets of candid human interactions in a quirky setting, making me realise the fragility as well as the strength of love, and through it, the preciousness of it all.

The cats are wailing tonight. They too, describe how my soul, and my semi-subconscious really feel.

I think I shall get a Norwegian Forest.. Or a Maine Coon..

My shoulders feel heavy.

Reality is sinking in, and its not just the reality that the exams are over. This reality, is the realisation that I have to go into the army, have to start making money and how time and schedules start to get tighter, like a noose around the neck. Would I have time for my friends? Would they have time for me?

The world's beginning to seem like a really crazy place. Consumerism seems to be therapy for lonely hearts. The inner cry for someone to notice the bleeding and make it stop. But the clothes and the toys don't seem to staunch the bloody flow.

And yes, fear, a very real fear of what is to come, and what is to go. Death leaves a bloody hole in everyone who cares for you; loves you. And I wonder, how many holes can I take before I succumb and die.

I have come back from Japan, to a warm welcome by my dearest besties.. thanks, you guys have no idea how much it means to me.. ^^ spending time one on one with daddy was a dream come true. Though there was a little friction due to prolonged exposure, it was the most memorable trip I have ever had. I have gotten to know him so much more, and... love him so much more. I know I am not where I want to be as a son, and there were some disappointing moments... may God grant me the time to make you proud. I love you dad

But for now, I will live however I choose to live, and leave the future in God's hands, and the past in my memories, I shall remember them fondly. Because.. what else can I do.



I am missing Japan.