What would I give, for that Christmas Eve

My heart is bleeding from a memory.
A memory that refuses to go away.
That wistfulness intertwines with nostalgia,
and I am wretched.
Indeed, very very wretched.

Your smiles torment me.
Your joy is my sorrow.
Your gain my loss.
But why?
Why the pain?
Why the emptiness..

Everytime you surface in my memories,
the wound reopens anew.
And the crimson regret spills and overflows,
never filling those empty dreams..
My empty dreams.

Hope is said to give strength and life.
But what if Hope dies..?
What if my Hope dies.
With it goes my strength and life.
For you I lived.
For you, without you, I would die.
Am dying.
Dead.

Fate or God, or cruel Lady Luck,
we meet at a distance,
never ever close.
Not even a quick wave.
Your smiles were never for me;
your smiles were for everyone but me.
I said I would give up on you.
Its over. It should be.
But my heart aches miserably.
You are near,
so tantalisingly near,
but yet so far away.

All that remains is
Why.

And more painfully,
Why not.