Dear phyllis, (no, I'm not being sarcastic.)

Its a pleasure to know that you are brave enough to address a post to me after all the horrible things I have said and done to you(take this as a public acknowledgement & apology).

Firstly, do you remember that in the email I sent to you (which I bcc-ed to my friend to pre-empt any misunderstanding) I stated that I would stop all forms of hostility, implicit or explicit? Therefore, the poem (free verse rather) has no reference to you or your situation, past or present, at all. In fact, it is not even about love. At least, its not the main focus. Perhaps the lack of words caused you to misunderstand? I was lazy you see, and did not want to bother typing out paragraphs of opinions and supportive evidence, et al. I wished to be as succinct as possible in conveying emotion and meaning, as they were in danger of being lost in a convoluted mass of proper sentences. In short, I took poetic licence through the economy of words. In case you misunderstand, I am not saying that your comprehension of nuances is inferior. Rather, I am saying that I left room for personal interpretation, and that your interpretation is not what I intended. I am reluctant to explain my position, because poems/free verse once explained thoroughly and exhaustively, destroys (or at the very least, degrades) the value and impact of the poetic intent. As once said to me by a philosopher, "that which is said loses its meaning. Once it is captured in and trapped by words, it is diminished." But for the sake of clarification, I will risk it and make the sacrifice.

Thus, my intention revealed:

This poem is first and foremost about the thorny issue of commitment.
I hold that love is not made up of commitment. Rather, commitment exists because of love.
If love is not eternal, then commitment isn't either and will possibly die.
Vowing to commit does not make the commitment exist forever. All promises can be broken; it is not binding nor absolute because humanity is incapable of the ideal, though we attempt to achieve it.

The idea is, that committing, not out of love, to a relationship is fatal. It makes one feel trapped. I believe, the very act of saying "I will commit" diminishes the commitment.
I am not saying that there is no love in commitment. I am saying that commitment just to satisfy the other party's insecurity is detrimental to the relationship in the long run.
There might exist a form of love between two people, but unless it is strong enough, it cannot sustain commitment. To demand it too soon, is the beginning of the end.

Furthermore, commitment breeds a sense of familiarity that tends to encourage one to take the other for granted.
This can be related to the "honeymoon period" phenomena.
Also, it causes one to have high (and unrealistic) expectations of the other.
When these expectations are not met, it adds to the strain of the relationship.

What then?

Unfortunately, there is the pre-existing notion that people who do not commit are flirts and "players". This view stems from an inferiority complex. One feels insecure hence the need for the other to commit even though commitment now is premature.

Is it wrong to just be friends and have fun while getting to know each other? So what if the other person is not "The One"? At least I have made a good friend. Is socialising wrong if we are on the lookout for potential life partners? I do not think so.

"But, shouldn't love be exclusive? Don't tell me you are willing to share your girlfriend! Love is selfish."

True, I believe love should be exclusive, but also I believe that exclusivity arises from the intensity of love, not the other way around. If my love interest is not exclusively with me, it is because she is not ready to commit yet. She may be the best for me, but I may not be the best for her, or what she wants exactly. Do I hate her for that? No. If I force her to commit, it might cause a souring of the relationship. Having such absolute terms as these give rise to the impression that "if you can't commit, I can't continue seeing you and I will be upset with you. Forget this, I was in this for an exclusive relationship, and if you can't give me that, goodbye." Its as if its "all or nothing".

Going into the next step and becoming steads is a commitment. This should occur when both are ready. It should never be forced. There should be no hesitation. It is a natural occurrence, not a vowed-upon formal decision. How to feel comfortable doing this? Enough love. Some might feel that if the other person is not ready to commit, then he/she does not love me enough.

"You don't love me enough! Let's not see each other anymore."

Again, a very extreme, absolute position. The person may not be ready yet, but may/will eventually be. A pressured relationship is no relationship at all.

That is why I like girls who are friendly and game for a laugh. Girls that do not mind hanging out, even if its just one on one for a movie and dinner date. After all, there is nothing like spending quality time together to get to know the other person better. And if I do not feel the other person is for me, at least I have gained a close friend. Not being compatible does not mean the end of the friendship. Its a no-strings-attached, let's-see-where-this-goes kind of friendship.




Phyllis, I will not comment about your relationship. I believe it is still a sensitive issue. But I thank you for sharing your side of the story on your blog. It gives me a fresh perspective.



Let me attempt to answer the points you raised:

Mere smses and words are not love. But they can contain a little bit of love. They can express a little bit of love.

I believe in the sanctity of love, so I never had the intention of insulting it. After analysing what I wrote, I saw no insult to love, only a criticism on forced commitment not out of love.

No, I do not think anyone fully knows what love is. But I believe that we can love, and that people can feel our love for them. I also believe that there is such things like "strong love" and "weak love".

My opinion on promises is this:
They can be broken regardless of the relationship status, whether its between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, best friends or acquaintances. What matters in the end, sometimes, is the intent and not so much the deed. Even though the deed is hurtful.

Oh btw, I just read the later part of your post about me criticising/insulting you through poems. That's hurtful. I do not intend to rescind on my promise to do my best not to hurt you anymore. Sometimes, it does help to clarify the author's intent before making conclusions? How ironic, I wrote up there in this post that the poem/free verse is without reference to you or your situation at all.. If you must know, this poem/free verse is based on my personal experiences. It has no element of you in it at all. Your suspicion only goes to show that you are still very wary of me. I am sorry for causing you to feel that way..

However, I do feel that you have become more diplomatic in your posts (minus the last part about me being insidious) and the way you seek to convey your thoughts and feelings.

I have resolved to be direct in my interactions with you since the apology email. That is intrinsic to avoid hurting you further. Regardless of your statement that you frankly do not care about what I or others call you or say about you, I still believe that as a human being, our words and actions (or inactions and innuendos) can still hurt you. Of course you resolve to not let it affect you (much). Such thinking is encouraging. It reflects your tenacity and the will to move on.

On my niche:
Hmm. Being direct? haha, yeah, only to people who can take it now. No point being overly direct and pissing people off. Its better to moderate my comments and stop being antagonistic instead. On the same note, I am not lying to you. Believe it or not, its up to you. If your post had been a full-fledged insult and rant, I would not have bothered replying. So kudos to you. ^^

Thanks for clarifying your thoughts! I do not intend to ignore you. Its just.. the situation between all of us is very.. sensitive. And if ignoring you (in school or online or both) makes you feel better, just let me know.

Best regards,

Joshua