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A little blue..
Wednesday, 16 July 2008

A little blue..

I am tired.

No, I dont need you to help me, come up with a solution or console me. I just need to tell someone I am tired.

And very afraid.

the future is so uncertain. And some say its fun because its uncertain. But I think its fun only when you are part of the elite, 'cos your future is promising. It is no fun, with grades that suck and 3 months left to the National Exams.

Please don't tell me, with a smile on your face, that I can do it. It makes me feel... stranded. Stranded because no one seems to understand. Maybe you do, and I am just unaware. I just need someone to listen when I say:

I am tired.

This feeling is not unique. It has happened before, and its happening again. Am I a noob? Maybe. A very scared & tired noob trying to make it in a world with no good place for noobs.

Talks about university admissions, SMU, NUS, NTU, scholarships... all these highlight my position in the pecking order of academic future. Not very high at all.

Is this stress? I don't know. Sounds like it.

It doesn't help, when I have TA superstudents for classmates, who have finished or nearly finished their Idependent Study. They consistently score As for every class assignment. I barely pass or just fail all together.

It does not help when the other subject teachers seem to assume that all I need to do is study their subject and no else. School would not be such a waste of time if I knew my work. But sadly I don't.

Am I in a rut? Stuck in the doldrums of depression?
I don't think so.

Life still goes on with or without the As in my A level cert. Time marches on at its own pace still. Its just that, I'll be quite sad at not getting what I want. But it does nothing for me if I'm depressed. Being a little kid and kicking up a fuss doesn't help.

Am I consoling myself? Maybe.
I'll just say I'm being objective.

And honest.

I don't like mediocrity. But can I say that I'll do my best?
I'll do what I'll do.
If I make it to my uni course,
I would say its not because of me.
Call it luck or blessing or whatever.
I think its divine intervention,
A miracle.

And then I'll laugh at this post.

7:16 pm