Alex asked me if I were being depressively emo. But no, I weren't. Not consciously anyway. I know that I should be happy, excited to be having a day out with two best friends. And I did have a good time.

I felt left out, after the movie. Left out of the one thing that I desire most. Its an emptiness, a longing, a desire. My life is quite messed up. There is no aim, no purpose save that one and only thing I live for. I told you about it, Alex, in the wee hours of Saturday morning. There is that, and nothing else.

One thing you said that pierced through the fog of self-denial:
"You never ever did do anything about it, even though you liked her."

I'm just so very tired of all the stupid excuses I've been giving myself. I've lied to myself long enough. I know you guys mean well, but the loss of certain dreams are still very sore for me. Rake up not the past that has not passed enough.

Be thankful that you have even a friendship with her, Alex. At least you know you have tried. I have none, and will always be haunted by what ifs and countless nights of sleepless regret. I want her friendship, but I have no idea how to get it. None at all. I screwed up all my chances already.

Life can only get better from now on.