Was blog-browsing awhile ago, and michel's blog had this very inspirational post. Its a sweet reminder of God's amazing grace, a gift that i can barely comprehend. No matter how downcast and depressed I become, or how fearful the situation and cirumstance, I know that I can trust God, if no one else. The last post was just a dig at the question: "what's heaven like?"

Other blogs ranged from subtle hints at stress to outpourings of panic and fear. So this is what society is becoming. Quite sad isn't it? Makes one wonder: is this stress just to survive worth it? Or if suicide would provide the quick exit out of this misery (don't worry, I'm not suicidal. Just discussing this objectively.) that we are all in. No wonder suicide figures climb annually.

Human population density increases year after tortuous year, but how many nieghbours do you know personally? And how many can you call your friend? I don't know any kid in my neighbourhood. And I'm not particularly affected. A far cry from the close-knit societies of ages past. More people, less friendships. Its a lonely planet. No wonder people want to belong somewhere: churches, mosques, temples.. bars, pubs, discos.

The thing is, how do we be happy in such an unforgiving world? Where failure deals the hardest blows and fate (seemingly) trumps all your efforts. an unforgettable event would be getting 8 points instead of the expected 6 for o levels, and failing to get into vj. (Yes, I'm still very sore over that.) I begin to wonder, if however hard I try and do my best only results in failure of my objectives, and its the worst damn bad luck streaking back all the way since God knows when, why am I trying so hard then? Can I just not.. relax? Then, I see people, who do less and get more.. not study that much (or that smart) but get all the lucky breaks/blessings and I wonder again, am I cursed? Or fated to live a second class life no matter what? (I'm writing not as a Christian, but in general here.)

"Its like, all the miracles keep happenin', only in other people's lives."

"Prayers are getting answered, but its like, all not mine"-kind of feeling. Did I say something wrong? Did I not pray enough? Is it not God's will? All the questions just keep cycling through my head.. over and over. over and over and over. And the worst thing is, there seem to be no answers no matter who you ask.

"oh, its cos you are sinning and not right before God."

"oh, its because you are asking it for material gain. God doesn't like that."

"oh, its God's higher purpose."

The first two are just being judgemental. The last gets this response from me. "From now on, God, let me want only what is Your will for me. If its not Your will, let me NOT want it. Save me all that heartache and misery."

So, back to being happy. Its an easy answer, but not an easy path to walk (as always, the truly good things in life are always hard to obtain. Why? Ask God.) Want not what your neighbours have. Be satisfied with what you've got.

I'm not saying be fatalistic. I still cling on to my hopes for a better life (or what I think it is.) and the wants and needs and everything else on the neverending wishlist. The thing is, stop missing what you've not got. Its better to spend time working towards them, and enjoying what you've got even if you don't get exactly what you want. I'm still learning this lesson. Its hard. But possible. Always possible.

PS: oh, its audrey's birthday today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUDREY! =)