Stayed up all night.

Kinda feel wasted. empty. No matter how many happy endings I watch, they can't drive away the pain and lost I feel at the dual separation. Tragedy engraves itself on its audience before drowning them in a wave of despair. Agony.
So many people want to go to heaven. but where, and what, is heaven? You can't tell me for sure, can you? A place where your fantasies are played out? everyone will be in a different heaven then. A place without pain? Without sorrow? Without.. loss? but someone has to go to hell, right? the christian's heaven is a place where God resides, where I'll sing his praise for all eternity. Uh, okay. Sounds.. interesting. What about my family? My friends? My.. life? What's it like there? if heaven is a place where I lose all contact with my friends, my family, my love.. it would be.. devastatingly lonely. Even, if I could finally see God. So what if they (and me) are all part of the "Body of Christ"? If we all lose our identities, our personalities, our sense of self and all that ever happens there is a continual singing of God's [insert good qualities here], Heaven will be no more than an empty shell to me. But don't mind me, I'm just an ignorant human being who cannot fathom the will of God. (if i could I'll be God myself.)

To be honest.. Heaven holds no particular attraction for me. Its just I'm adverse to hell where all the pain and suffering there is reputedly unrivaled anywhere else. just a random thought.

Math. Its synonym is madness. I've a whole lot to catch up on. But I have not been able to for a variety of reasons. Its not a lack of time, but rather a lack of mood. Maybe the enormity of the work I have to do is affecting me. I feel so vacantly alive. Consciously dead. an experience unique to exam periods when I have not prepared but want to do well. Laughs, God help me.

Oh, dawn arrives, and the birds call.

Fate. Stay night. I wish.