Ms Nansi should have Language Arts more often, to give me a great Thursday full of breaks, one after every lesson =)

"thanks Ms Nansi!"

Went for make up PE today. Damn, skipping sucks. especially if you have to do 1000 for one make up session. Stopped at every 100 skips. Shins hurt like crazy. Then I realised: I can do 2 x 15 inclined pull ups for 1 make up PE. -.-

Oh and, there was this alpha boy called aloysius. He ran off to play basketball after doing 50 skips and had the cheek to tell the PE teacher he finished a thousand.

Of course I exposed him. duh.

I mean, he saw me watching him while I was doing my skips. Imagine yourself, skipping painfully to a 1000, and watching this slacker tell the teacher he did it too. He was asking to be screwed. Real badly. So I did. haha. LOSER. Then I realised he's from Adri's class. Oops. Its too bad, cos if I knew that earlier, I might not have done it.. poor guy.. LOSER x 2.

Promo exam timetable's out! Quite a neatly planned exam this time. Maybe I'm a little confident? yeah right, what with a whole 3 term's worth of math to catch up. NEED EUGENE'S BOOK. haha

Courage is learning not to worry
and casting all cares to the One who
offered to carry them all.
It makes life a lot simpler,
and happier.
As God intended,
So shall it be.

-glance-

mugging too slowly. Stuck at alcohols. tutorials. Its 30 days and counting down. I've not touched math AT ALL. panic.



I missed you.
missed the chance to know you.
So close.. so achingly close.
Almost. But never to be.
Dream never became reality.
You were the reason,
the reason why I tried
so desperately,
so damn hard.
The reason I got so lost,
so lonely and unhappy.
Everything was a distraction,
distraction from the hurt,
the overwhelming bitterness,
that bled from my heart,
the tremendous aimlessness
an uncurable, deep cut.
You are so close,
so achingly close.
Almost, but never to be,
my dream ain't reality.
My last chance slipped quietly away,
when I got my posting results that day.




"and my heart still misses you."

Heh. I saw the mysterious green blob today. Or rather, I SAW THE CRUMPLER and knew it had to be him. He's not a bad looking guy.. which is bad. But it must be expected that she would not be so unaesthetic as to choose a complete loser. Bad taste would be horrifying. for a girl. Now to find out if he's clever, or dead stupid. I wouldn't be surprised.

I notice, finally, the flaws that I failed to see. The ugliness is apalling. Funny how it just takes the knowledge that she is (possibly) with someone else, to dispel any lingering feelings that I had. Sad. I could have woken up sooner. But at last, I'm free.

alex my bro caught two green blobs on his camera.. that lousy phone of his.. still it would make a good background to serve as a reminder of how beguiling a certain group of people are. they are EVIL.

I'm on the lookout for a certain crumpler's owner. ooh. don't let me catch you. haha

I can't wait to find out who you are, loverboy. I hope you are ugly, rotten and a good-for-nothing. It would be greater vindication if you sucked at your studies too.

Guess I'm back to roaming the boulevards, window shopping without an aim, trying but never buying. After all, its for the shopping experience. that's why everything's so expensive currently. The harder to get, the more we want. Remember the Veblen Theory. It applies.

In the end, the greatest tragic comedy is to see someone buy what you've always wanted.

Or watch them buy what you've rejected, and laugh at their folly.


I know your dirty little secret.
smirks.

Cheers.

I don't know.

Woke up with a sore throat on such a rainy day. Beautiful and cleansing. Cold. A huge blanket of dirty white overhangs while the drizzle abates. The notes sit on my table. Untouched. Unwanted. Detested. But I know I will dutifully pick them up. Soon. So very soon.

Now.

I feel stuck in a snow drift. Cold, useless, tired. The dark night a soft, downy, black nothingness. Soothing, because it hides the ugliness of life, of demands, of people stretched too thin. It promises sleep, the universal salve to stress and unhappiness.. blissful escape. This blog is becoming useless. Too many restrictions, too much obligation to be politically correct. time to change address. bye.

Just a quickie.

On the long drive back home just now from causeway point, I had a good long chat with my dad. A chat on life, studies and oac.

I feel as if I have failed the team, like, everyone is pulling their own weight except me. My failure to do ok in my grades have caused me to be suspended, and that is such a disgrace to the team..

"But have you ever realised, that maybe, just maybe, the team has let you down?"

No they have not, have they? Yet if we are all harping on teamwork, and how no man gets left behind, then why is it that the team is making demands of me, to get over and done with the suspension and get back into the team? I can't do it, I'm not at that level of balance between oac and my studies yet. Has the team ever considered my career as a student? My prospects? My life? Is all this insignificant compared to the greater whole? If everyone matters, and our views are appreciated and important, then care for my studies and how I'm coping with the stress of school work and oac should come naturally. Am I really selfish in saying I can't cope? Or is the team being selfish in its goals regardless of the cost to my life by pressuring (I'm not saying they do so maliciously, but I'm feeling the stress) me to contribute through self-sacrifice?

If the views of every member are important and treasured, how much more so the member! So I plead with you, my team, my friends.. Its great to want to achieve more in our term as instructors and to leave a legacy of inspiration behind, but by working towards the ideal, let us not neglect reality's demands. By doing badly for your promos, you will bring disgrace to oac, because our parents, our principals, even our peers, will attribute our poor grades to be caused by oac. Imagine this next year:
"Hey joe, i think i'm gonna join oac.. what do you think? sounds cool?"
"what? I heard that the people there did badly for their exams.. their activities are seriously damn exhausting.. no time, no mood to study. they are currently struggling to cope with their studies now.. don't join, later you become like them.."

Very zai huh. I know we all have oac in our hearts.. some more so than others.. to live up to the legacy of the previous batch and to create our own significant history.. but please, couldn't we cut down on intensity until after promos at least? The grades DO matter. We are called students for a reason after all.

For yourself, myself, and oac.

PS: this post is not targeting anyone in specific. talking about the team dynamics in general. Any offense caused is regretted. I think this PS is stupid, but neccessary.

http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceMen.htm

To clarify: the post on the 8th of August is a rant on, and a rage against, a person's views, not the person himself. I kinda like, divorced the person from his views, and addressed the world in general with the word "you". I know the post became damn personal-like towards the end. I'm sorry, really.

"How one person's catharsis can be another person's pain." - sad irony.

I hope to release, not inflict, pain. Not at the expense of a friend anyway.

Drip.
The droplet expands
in minute ripples.
Chaos breaks the tension,
marring the placid lake of ideality
with its hard cruel reality.
The surface trembles,
then stills.
All is calm once more,
the droplet's failure
to break the Dream;
to shatter the inner core.
Drip. Drip.
Pour.

Sacrifice yourself, in patroitic pledge and silent tears in your eyes, as you take the fall, knowing that they will honour you in their thoughts, and their annual speeches, of how you tried and died, while in their heart of hearts they thank whichever god they pray too that you died instead of them.

Would it be right to blame you if I died? No.. I have only myself to blame, for not having the backbone to say no, to save myself when I could. Dying for pride, dying.. always about dying. Which is worse? Dying, knowing that you have the esteem of your friends, or living, with their scorn and loathing? Which is better.. Dying while doing your best or living with the shame of taking the easy way out?

I feel obliged to stay with the team and die. I feel a strong panic for my studies. I don't want to pass. I want to get As. Torn in two. As usual. The conflicting feelings stifle; they (the feelings) alienate me from the team. I don't think they (the team) will understand how I feel. Maybe I've not tried hard enough to voice out. More likely voicing out the wrong way. I hate being politically correct on my own blog. It irks. But I guess its just society's need to be soft and gentle with each other; to speak without strong emotion. A world full of moderation, and consideration.

I realised: disclaimers and warnings don't work. The human will always attempt to justify in defense of oneself.

I still don't get your point of view.

When all else fails, just partition the mind.

I was always individualistic, anyway.

1. Rush my math and chem and phys.
4 chapters per week.

2. Do any K.I. homework that crops up.

3. Lit and chinese can take a backseat. for now.

4. Once I'm done with math, chem and phys, start reading alot of K.I.
ALOT.

Total: 3 hours per tutorial. 12 tutorials a week. 36 hours per week. finish by September. Or else.
x.x

An insane post for an insane time.

I'm happy. I feel free. Ecstatic really. Liberated from the confinements of commitment and effing responsibility. Its an insignificant part anyway. Use you abuse you lie to you cajole you play on your sympathies and exploit your sense of duty. You can't deny afterall, the sense of outrage, that bloody feeling of bleeding inside from smiling all day at the people you have been screaming bloody murder at all night.

The hypocrisy staring back at me through your fearful eyes; i'm gonna rip it apart. Ruthlessly; Brutally. Mercilessly. The lies have to go, didn't you know? There was a reason for Pinocchio. Oh the vibrancy of Life! The ultimate masquerade; swirl of colourful deceit! Mesmerise me with your antics! Do you have a new mask today as you strut through the runway? That's what school is really for, anyway.

Good morning world. I'm going to sleep.

"When there's not enough Time, Break the Hourglass."

Smash it thoroughly.