Its becoming a lifestyle, sleep at 3-5 and wake up at 10-12. Amazing what happens when I get school burnout.

Boredom Inverse came over today for group project work this morning. The shot of coffee at starbucks was useless. Now you know how tired I am huh. What the hell.. I wonder why Yitheng said it was a productive meeting.. I'm staring off into space trying to remember anything substantial that I did. Still trying.

Or maybe I'm just tired and don't remember.

The HC elects will be heading off to their camp tmr.. 3 days of fun and laughter. Or otherwise. Do I want to go? yeah. and maybe no. Yes cause I feel part of their family still. No cause oac june camp will be damn exhausting. Need all the rest and conditioning time I can get. Maybe cause its the fear of going there and feeling outcast. Wadeva.

Was supposed to go rollerblading today. Never plan properly, then unforeseen circumstances cropped up. ZzzzzZzzzzzz.

I don't care. I'm going before jcts.

Really, really, need to sleep.

really.

round and round it goes.
All a blur.
pseudo oscillation
reflecting choppy images;
a scattering of light
through empty space,
lance through my dillating eye.
Focus and barely see
reality bending
in the mirrored realm
of fantasy
mirroring
the trembling
of a crumbling
world.
Mine.

I love hanging out with you oac guys! From laughing at stupid videos like Indian Thriller on youtube to the Nintendo DS craze unique to us, the bonding just gets better. Wilder. =) What insane times we have! Adri's house is damn cool, with a chin up bar outside his bathroom.. =p compulsory 5 before entry.. I should do that too. =D Visit Dex's house next. =b

I owe teachers alot, ALOT, of homework. oops. Amazing how each day feels crazily long and then passes by in a flash of fatigue and pain. 5 months gone. poof. like that. scary stuff. haha

June camp is nearing. I'm scared. Really really scared. I'm not fit enough to meet the standards yet. I think Samantha (Grand senior) doesn't like me. I think I'm gonna be singled out by the seniors and grand seniors during the camp. I don't want to crack. Hate it. Alot. I've got to train very hard now. Distance myself from the seniors and grand seniors, so that I won't feel so hurt when they will (THEY WILL) start giving real ap. During the camp from hell. Buff up damage control. I have to.

What a fun week. Sweet exhaustion that kinda blots out all the bad stuffs that has been happening lately.. Titans really really is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I hope to go through again next year. Not as a organiser but a participant. Abseiling Basic Course(ABC) 1 is successfully completed this morning. =) Evaluation and the trashing session was carried out today too. Hope that the team spirit will increase exponentially from now on. Time is needed, but in the absence of time, Just Do It.

Faster.

The theme for June is: Divide and Conquer.

From my studies, to june camp, to the disc comm's evilness. Everything. =p

I'm aching everywhere.

Sometimes people just need to rant. And rant. I do. In my mind, on my blog, to certain friends... We all need an outlet for the stress that we get from everyone, afterall. If I can solve the problem on my own, I'll most certainly do my best to. Don't want to influence my friends negatively or anything. With a new friendship, I hate to bog it down with negative stuffs.. Until I feel very comfortable with that person, and that person with me.

Very short tempered these days. Stressed. Either I crap alot and basically have fun till I forget my problems cos I replaced them with good memories, or I will emo, and emo damn badly.. Everyone has their own problems, but nobody likes hanging around someone who's almost perpetually depressed right? *looks into the near past and wonder why I had any friends*

Titans (individual): I put in my best and am very happy with the results.
Titans (team): today, we came in last. Last in points but I do not for a moment think it was cos of a lack of effort and team spirit. We did our best. The only thing I regret is our marks do not reflect it. Go Gamma! =)

PS: shmily, I did not write this after talking to you. haha! takkaire! =p

I'm lost at what to do. except study, mug, study, mug... eat sleep go for training. Such a safe routine. Such an ordinary one. Just like a nobody. Just like Peter Parker. Gives up on himself because everybody's given up on him. And his girlfriend doesn't understand. He's changed but she doesn't see it. So life goes on in drearyness. And like Peter, all I can do is sit by the window and gaze as my world caves in. Maybe because of what I have done. yeah. Maybe that's it.

Can't I have a second chance?

Tomorrow's titans. Not ready for it, never will be. Not looking forward to the intense fatigue of the next three days. A non-sports player won't ever understand. Dread it, but encouraged by the camaraderie of my fellow OACians and Gammanians. We are all in this together, regardless of how tempers may flare, especially in the team events. My legs are sabotaging my chance. Chance to win? No. Chance to COMPLETE the RACE.

No second chance.

Retreat and I will Age.
Hesitate and I will Die.
Cast away my Fear.
Look forward instead and scream:
Ban-Kai!

this week has been such a rotten one.

What with seeing 3 teachers and the discipline master. sigh. burning high frequency. Though, miss lim was so very nice! =) like her alot!

Monday:
1. physics SPA.
2. found out I got into hc. but what happened after that was quite demoralising.
3. got to do my treasurer's proposal
4. plus lots of homework undone.

Tuesday:
1. ms nansi was so disappointed that half the lecture class did not do their lit essay.. sorry ms nansi! =x
2. Cheena oral. think I failed it.
3. met ms t. and another teacher together. got grilled for not attending the pre-university seminar meeting on the previous saturday, 12th of May, and going for my kayaking two star course instead. Was told that I'm out of pre-university seminar. That night, I had the premonition that the matter wasn't that easily solved.
4. was late for hc meeting.
5. titans training.
7. met up with ALEX! ohyeah, that was a good one.. almost late.. lol, rushed down in a cab, got stuck in a jam, and prayed fervently for the doors to the concert hall to still be open. it was. ^^ saw alot of familiar faces at the vjc choir performance at the esplanade. had supper at macs before chilling at his place. reached home around 1 am.
6. plus, lots of homework undone.

Wednesday:
1. we (oac) failed quite badly at orientiering.
2. My right leg still feels very very injured.
3. Got worse after I ran the 6 rounds around the track.
4. plus, a lot more homework to be done.

Thursday:
1. My premonition is right. had to meet the discipline master in the morning cos ms t and her friend blew the issue out of proportion (my opinion). Three page report on ME. I'm honoured beyond recognition.
2. felt abit depressed with the prospect of being kicked out of HC.
3. had double period math. x_x
4. met the discipline master AGAIN. continued his cross examination for one hour till P.E. was over.
5. have to see him every morning at 7.20am or earlier until my lateness is resolved.
6.Saw HC teacher-in-charge regarding my lateness, pre-university seminar, the discipline master, etc. She is very very very nice! =)
7. Had to see the P.E. teacher 'cause I missed P.E. have to do 4 make-up sessions next week. X_X
8. Correction: BOTH legs now hurt like crazy. couldn't run the 7 km route for titans training today.
9.still have tons of homework to do.

Friday:
1. was on time for school (sigh with relief)
2. (oac) I couldn't finish the pull-ups. Arms too weak, no stamina.
Worst example of communication breakdown happened today.
we exceeded the time limit by a factor of two.
Forced myself to run around the track for punishment.
everyone was agitated.
we didn't manage to finish camp craft session.
no time extension.
deborah cried.
Seniors talked to us one-to-one.
got tekaned by this P.E. teacher who was formerly in charge of oac during evaluation. what the hell?!
she's using us as free labour on monday to put up a banner.
her excuse is to see if we are worthy of being oac intructors-in-training. "why in the world should we prove it to you?"
she had that smug smile that said "I'm so clever! Thought of such an ingenious way to make people work for me! they will never know! hahahaha."
dislike her alot.
Her comments during evaluation were close to useless.
She has the most loserish ideas.
We accumulated a total punishment of 420 push ups.
sweet agony to be enjoyed all at one go another day. i'm lovin it.
3. the rain prevented me from going home again.
4. HOMEWORK.



Its a beautiful fresh saturday morning.. Rest and some reprive from the hell I endured. Strange though, I don't feel so emotionally pissed and angry as I thought I would have. Maybe I've grown up a little. Or maybe I've just gone cynical. Sad acceptance of such a way of life, or keeping under control the strife that threatens to break free and wreak havoc all over. For now, its just a calm that soothes my very soul. I remember praying to God for the strength from Him to get through this week. I survived. I'm happy.

Miss Lim talked about being responsible.. as a student, as a HC elect, as an OAC(razy) intructor-in-training, as a teammate, as a classmate, as a child, as a brother, as a friend, as someone special to that special someone. Multiple roles on the vibrant stage of life, God, I ask for a new thing. Give me the strength to juggle all, plus being a Christian that makes your heart glad. Amen.

Swift channel of flowing Light
weave Time's fabric
into the core of my soul.
Etch deeply the memories
Good and Bad,
into a pure remembrance
of a single entity,
me.

To be content is a blessing from God, away from the bitter strife in the many battlefields of a war called Life.

Short, intense and brief
will it end in grief?

Poor parents, work and sleep, that's all they ever do. Then I look at myself, and say the same thing. So this is growing up huh.. pathetic.

Woke up with flu. Irritable cos I couldn't find my shirt after half an hour of emptying my wardrobe. And would have been late unless I took a taxi. I could have saved 10 bucks.

Yet upon reaching Changi village.. the beach kinda took my breath away.. Like it does everytime. Unlike overcrowded ecp full of trash. The serene calm soothed my rankled nerves and gave me new life and vigor.

The sky was particularly picturesque today.

We set off on expedition to downtown east! Riding the waves created by the bumboats and huge ships under sapphire skies and fluffy cotton clouds is an experience that begs to be repeated. Splashing water around with our pedals and playing tag whilst on the way, beaching up and picnicking made this sunday the best I had in ages.

Realised my eyes became as red as my shirt. scary.. All that salt up our nose and in our eyes from all that capsize drills.. "your food not salty enough? here, I give you some." haha, good one euge =)
The crapping sessions bonded us together, the kayaking without the seniors made us more of a team. We must all clear this two star course. One hundred percent pass. Its all up to us to help everyone make it. Go O.A.Crazy! =D

Just a quick one before my kayaking two star course.

I realised I do stupid things when I'm tired. Laughing and crying seem to be so much easier. So I don the twin masks of commedy and tragedy, hoping to face life with equanimity. Smash everything I hold dearest to bits. Then crush them, grind it all to powder. Then upon the dawn after in my fading pseudo-drunken stupor, the full weight of events now crush me. Horror upon horrors, you suck, joshua. now, didn't everybody know that.

I know I don't make sense anymore.

The previous post contradicted itself.

fracture of the mind.

time to go, time to hurt again. silently. like it used to be.

Heart heavy, cold and heavy. I should have just shut up and disappeared. My fault it is and my fault to bear. This sad woe, my constructed tragedy. Post not in ambiguity. Where are we now. From the heights to the depths, all in one day. Flawed expression = misinterpretation. And its so NOT funny. I'm sorry.

Sleep is elusive when your mind is frantically running through the multitudes of "what ifs", enacting scenario after wishful scenario. I realised I have yet to draft out my PI. yeah, i'm almost screwed.

As I grew older, life became messier. Additional responsibilities and increasing expectations can really crush the fun right out of life. Find a balance or die horribly trying to catch up like me now. Maybe I should become a mugger again. laughs.

Its almost certain that I will miss titans because of pre-university seminar. And I'll miss tomorrow's learning journeys too. I'm starting to regret badly the decision to join this hyped-up crap. I seriously don't know what this is all about.

There's a hundred and one things for me to do, but I chucked them all aside, since I'm here. What's there to do, you ask? Read up on ethics for K.I., all my math tutorials, study for chem test tomorrow, read newsweek, do physics tutorials, CHEENA HMWK.

Its a lazy holiday morning, with grey clouds peppering the blue-ish sky. Cool wind bringing in the scent of coffee, instantaneous lust for mocha. Resists. In my little world, there's no such thing as homework. Really. Just me, my music and my thoughts of you. Oh, and not forgetting the marvelous amount of food in the kitchen. Licks. Green lawn roughly cut, with the little moths fluttering. Carefree happy dance under the smile of the Sun. And I would dance with you, if only you'll let me. Into your heart. For now, I'm crowded out.

Clasp your hand
never let you go
if only just to let you know

That in my heart
I love you so
and in your soul
hopefully sweet love too will grow
But I doubt you'll ever see
what your affections mean to me.
Can I be more than just a triviality?

Please. Give me that possibility.

Slip and slide from one random idea to the next as I gazed up at the cloudy sky. Vertigo... This world could be simpler. The afternoon heat wave swamped the stands where I slouched in languid misery. My earphones askew and useless, I began to seek other pleasures. And the vice came soon enough, in the delirious poking and singing and giggling with sam and yiling. A distraction from the brutal splinter in my mind: she's avoiding me. Lost myself in the swirling fog of fun. Then I saw her. I trailed her with sad contemplative eyes until my ffil caught my eye. I almost blushed. I guess I'm read easily. adore my ffil. =)

and I'm given a reason to smile. ^^