because my internet connectivity was so screwed up yesterday, this post shall be the slur of two days.

my family is disintegrating. its a sore ache that increases every passing moment. all relationships eventually reduce to self and money. like euge said. heart cramp. i hate home more and more. cos it is a neverending source of hurt. we barely tolerate each other now. dad's gone for good. the food sucks. the heater's spoilt. all the empty promises are left hanging in the air like cobwebs and a load of dust. all that's left is the hope of surviving this shit and actually breaking free of this sick hole. and all i can do is run away.

i actually felt happy, really happy during yesterday's oac training. something i haven't felt in a long time. (a month) the team morale (my opinion) was high and we were doing our stations with gusto.

i was trying real hard to be positive in everything. if no one has realised.

then mr lim, the real nice oac teacher-in-charge, crushed all my high regard of him. in an instant. he seemed the nice, encouraging fatherly figure in all our trainings. never taking an active role as an instructor (except during kayaking, and he was nice then too.) during our land trainings, giving constructive feedback during evaluation and actually providing a contrast to the seniors.

Its not that the seniors are bad or anything.

they have a reason for being cold and professional, even antagonistic during trainings because it's to not take trainings as a slack time (like most other pdps) and push ourselves, to doubt our limits. they try to be nice after all that, during evaluation they mince their words some times. afterall, we all can be nice if we put in the effort.

but mr lim?

he really shocked me.

me: go yong quan!
teammates: not yong quan! yong xiong!
me: oh, sorry.. Go Yong!
mr lim: what is this joshua? you don't know your own teammate's name? (incredulous tone)
me: sorry, slipped my mind. (and i looked away and continued to cheer.)
mr lim: how long have you been here, joshua? (cold, critical.)
me: few weeks. sorry.

but the next few lines cut even deeper.

i have a notoriously bad memory. the new guy was doing his turn on the chin up bar. he was struggling. showing effort. and in line with my will to change from being pessimistic to being positive, from discouraging to encouraging, i cheered him on.

me: go! good job! yes! do your best! good job!
mr lim: (disdainful, mocking tone) you call that a good job?

i was stunned. i looked away. i couldn't believe i was hearing this.

mr lim: joshua, you call that a good job?

i'm angry. very angry.

me: yes sir. i can see him trying hard, doing his best. he is making an effort. isn't this a good job? it is for me. i want to encourage him.
sir.

shrug it off joshua, just shrug it off.

so we gathered at the track. for another 5km run. and i laughed.
claudine: why? what's so funny? (in the usual claudine tone.)
me: huh? no la.. its laugh or cry. laughing it off is better than crying.

whenever its possible, hide everything behind a perfect meaningless smile. hide it all.

and when you can't. evaluate. and cry the sick, sick anger, hurt and betrayal out. in one bittersweet release. i couldn't take the claudine tone anymore, when she coldly questioned me for my comments on mr lim. yeah, i couldn't take it anymore. lost in the swirl of emotions, i cried. yet again.

yet again.

Tears, why do you always fall
when I don't want others to see you?
Sobs, why do you escape my lips?
I don't want others to hear you.
You both destroy my stoic facade,
displaying the hurt deep down inside.
Why am I so fragile, a body of
shattering emotions?
I hold all of you so tightly,
so close to my fragile heart,
to protect you from
mockery and ridicule,
yet some of you still struggle and slip away,
wrenching free from my cloistered embrace.
Into the world.
A sea of unfriendly faces and disbelief,
of set rules and traditions
- A boy must not cry.
Yet how do I explain as my tears
Fall
as I
sob?
Pretend it never happened.

the seniors tolerated me. my teammates affected concern. I don't want to think about what goes on in their hearts. the possibilities are too painful. so, the superficial is good enough for me. for now. oh, and jun han was real nice. really really nice. when he didn't have to.

As with all rainy mornings, i went to school late. nic's gotten friendlier this week. but, i'm not putting any faith in it. she's equally nice to everybody. i guess i'm not preferred. i'm done with being a pathetic-guy-led-by-the-nose up one emotional cliff and thrown down another. one thing i realised about girls. as a general trend -

they like a guy. the guy likes her too and shows his affections in unequivocal actions and behavioural patterns around her. she can't miss it. and the girl goes: "ooh, i like him.. but, what if he doesn't like me? he appears to.. but..how i wish he would tell me!" and she continues being very nice to him, if not more. then this guy tells her that he likes her. she goes: "oops. that's not what i wanted. what if he wants a relationship now? oh no, i really really don't want this." and she proceeds to tell the guy just that, when all he did was tell, with no strings attached. what a nice assumption huh. kind of like taking a nice icy dip in the almost frozen pool during winter. girl tries hard not to encourage the feelings in him now. but she can't help but like him. and thus, the poor guy is brought on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. nice huh. guys are pathetic. and girls can be quite stupid. what a recipe for disaster.

guys are forthcoming with their emotions and feelings. females aren't. and don't argue on felicity. don't even begin.

so its either you like me or you don't. and until one is forthcoming, you are not worth my time at all. girls hate indecisive guys.

well, we hate indecisive girls too.