The weeks are passing by, one after another. Things are moving so quickly, too quickly sometimes.. I wish time could slow down once in awhile, so we can pause and take a breather before diving yet again under the waves of work and pack schedules that leave no space for ourselves until the weekend. Sometimes, there's no weekends.

Already, I'm specialising in my vocation. The pace quickens, the demands increase, and more is expected. We will perform or get dismissed. That is the nature of life: little room for mistakes. Two years is not a short time. I'm thankful all the support I'm getting. Without all of you - eugene, alex, nick, kenneth, megan and eunice - I would just be a shadow of myself today. A hollow. I'm coming to an edge. My life feels so empty sometimes.. you guys are God's gift to me, a gift of sanity amidst the craziness of the world.

Having mee pok for lunch with genius on Saturday, trying our hand at making choc souffle and playing a bit of dota.. these are the simple joys that I had with my best friend this weekend. It made my heart ache though, for the simpler days of before.. where we could have done that every day, every weekend.. all that freedom of youth, lost.. I wish I had time enough to do that with my other best friends too. So many things I wanna do every weekend, so little time..

God. In You I find rest. In you I find the strength to go on. You've given me so much, so much. By Your grace You save me all the time. You give me hope in all of this.

It is already too late.

haha, I'm so tired right now.. I don't know what's gonna happen next. whatever God wills it to be I guess. I have no more energy for things like love. Not for a very long time.
Girls don't like good guys.

It hurts.

What do people do when they screw up? What do people do when they burn all their chances and all that's left is the smouldering ash of could-have-beens?

Move on. Do other things. Stop thinking and all that self-reproach. Subscribe to every available distraction. Friends. Family. Get a pet.


Yes, no, maybe?
I wish I knew what she's feeling, before its too late.
Although it kinda feels like that alr.
Or maybe I never had a real chance in the first place. Not even one in a million.

What was I thinking?
Blind & naive.
Hahaha, thinking like that, its really funny.. =)

"Must be joke."

1. driving license (~$4000)
2. camera (~$700)
3. gym (~$2000)
4. japanese classes (~$3000)
5. Form a jamming group (?)

Haha, I know, not the easiest things to do.. but the driving license is top priority.
The camera's for posterity.
The gym's for.. fun.
The Jap classes are for.. more fun.
The jamming group's for.. stress relief. haha


I got to stop being negative.. Like the negative film strip, I've been filtering light and making it go all wrong. In the end I just screw myself up. Its not merely being diplomatic.. its roots go far deeper than that.. Its a mindset change I need.

I gotta believe (even if the risk of getting damaged increases) that people mean well.. Stop thinking so much in negatives. I gotta be more like eugene in this. I hope I come out of this change alive.. and a better person. Thinking the worst of every person - Paranoia. Thinking the best of every person - naivety? how to find the right balance.. argh.. my head's killing me.. But I guess, being naive is better than living the life so negatively. Okay, time to change lanes.

God help me.

Its been a long time..

Updates:
I signed on to be in the Air Force as a C3 officer. Just finished my Air Force Service Term (AFST) and am currently spending one of the last days of block leave for this year. Will be having my pro-term in AFTC at paya lebar.. at least its nearer than JK.. but still.. stay in.. =/

Its crazy I know.. there's a lot of things I don't really understand about myself. I'm discovering new boundaries and idiosyncrasies about myself everyday, and its like I'm looking at a total stranger sometimes.

I miss my freedom the most. I'm still dealing with it like most of my mates are.. Serving takes a lot out of us and its not been easy.. and its barely even half a year.

Not knowing where the wind blows I
will take my chances
and trust God to open paths that I never thought
possible. Because Faith is
like the desperate cry of those
who are lost and
confused,
hitting road blocks and
dead ends
for God to
do something only God can do.

The L word is forbidden starting from today.

Quickly, slowly, phase one is over.

No regrets, except time.

Have I grown up?

"Not yet, not yet..."

It is an irony.

The previous post goes unfulfilled, as God willed that I, be cast into the spotlight of obligation.
Weighed down heavily by responsibility, my mental back strains and breaks ever so slightly, ever so slowly.

Inevitable, that I drag myself from the depths of a hellish week to an oasis of a weekend. Before the storm. Before field camp.

Life is full of surprises, and I tell myself, this is exactly what I live for; that this is, in the end, a journey full of experiences - experiences that make my life interesting. Why then, am I chained to anxiety?

A moodiness overcomes my senses and I am left, robbed of time and bereft of rest. Perhaps my paranoia is unjustified. Or is it?


I feel like a caged bird.

"I have no rest, I have no say, and I long to be free one day."

There are some days when I can't wait to get up, get out and get going. And then there are other days where I just...

Don't really want to.

There's no need for a reason. But lets say there is, and if there is, it would just be summarised as

MOOD.

or whim. or fancy. (and whatever else pleases you.)

Life would be nicely and quietly spent observing other people try, strive, succeed and fail. It would be the stories of their lives viewed like a motion picture, in real time - no cuts, no second takes. No risk, no risk at all. Just sit by, quietly, invisibly watching them with vapid interest like I would a monkey performing a trick.
Or tricks.

There is absolutely no need for me to do anything.

This week in the infamously unpredictable island East-North-East of the Red Dot, I give up smiling, joking, being obsessively cheerful and encouraging. It would be nice to withdraw once in a while.


Its time to just observe
and write.

So it came and went.

The PTI said, that BMT will be the best time in NS.
I don't think he was kidding.

Nothing bonds people as shared trials and experiences and maybe shared brainwashing. Forced. Forced to work together or die.

In dedication to the OO:

Sit still and listen to the
worn out
rank speak the same language
from a different era.
Do you hear the slight tremble of
his vocal chords?
The desperation in his eyes?
The elevated heart rate
transparent in his dilated eyes?

You can almost hear him
beg.
For our adoration.
What a decorated man.
Which museum does he belong to?



For myself:

Sitting in the bunk during night admin time
listening to all of them talk
of how they got accepted into this course
and that.
Depressing.
So I just curl into a corner between
the metal cabinet and metal bedframe.
Plug in the mp3 and take out the letters.
Read.
Hide.
Sleep.

Everyday begins with movement
while my brain shuts itself off
from all the thinking
the pondering
and all that's left is to
do
as I am told or otherwise
but nonetheless to
do
and
do nothing.

And so the days go by.
quickly.. slowly..

Its one of those days when an epiphany hits. It is one of those instances when enlightenment tenderly embraces depression. Its bittersweet taste lingers still.. perhaps forever. An overwhelming hate and anger arises within me, threatening to burn and drown the perpetrators, the traitors, who had me like they would a whore, casually flinging me aside once they climax and release.


Have I been too obliging?


Why am I so weak-willed. Too spineless to take a stand when enough is enough. Always giving in, always pretending that everything is fine, always patiently playing the mistress, to be used and abused. A lesser human being. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I don't have to take all this shit from all of you. This ain't 1800-always-available-for-your-crap hotline. You bitches don't actually give a damn about me. All you care for is your fucking self with your fucking feelings and your bloody bruised egos. Its always about who made you upset, what made you sad, how you know the solution, how you don't have the spine to actually solve your own problems, you you you you and you. Always about you and your fucking needs. What makes you think I enjoy your fucking repetitive whining? Stop saying you don't know how to solve it. I'm a firm believer in God-given brains, so sit down and think about the fucking problem. Why keep running away? Why keep bitching about it when you're not taking constructive steps to actually resolve it? If emotions won't help you, cut it away and think logically. I can't believe why you choose to be so fucking stupid. I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy. So fuck off. Bitch.

When Shakespeare mentioned that Life was a stage and we're all actors, I don't think he was joking.
Especially about the acting part.